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I’ll Be Home For Christmas by Shadylady |
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Dedication: This is not a joyful Christmas story but rather a bird’s eye view of what really happens in life around holidays. Some people find holidays to be emotionally hard to cope with. Remember the Christmas spirit and reach out to those around you. Say hello to your neighbors and hug your relatives. Your touch may be the one element that holds someone together. Nightfall was descending and the air was becoming chilly as Gretchen hurried toward her apartment. Soft rain fell silently, coating everything within its reach. She pulled the lapels of her jacket closer together as she shivered in the darkening gloom. Her tears mingled with raindrops, masking the deep sorrow she was feeling. Her footsteps automatically quickened as she saw the brownstone building where she lived come into view. Surprised to find herself home already, Gretchen finally looked around at the adjoining buildings to be sure she was in the right neighborhood. Christmas lights blinked sporadically in neighboring windows as Christmas Eve sped toward Christmas Day. Gretchen could hear the muted laughter of excited children and some shouts for them to be quieter. She couldn’t even find it in her soul to smile as she was hurting so badly. Dashing the tears from her eyes, she entered the apartment complex and climbed three flights of stairs to her lonely apartment. Gretchen opened the door and flipped on the light before entering the lifeless silent rooms. She could feel her heart pounding harder as she remembered the sounds of laughter and the blazing music that used to resonate throughout the apartment. Now, nothing but silence greeted her. It was just as she left it that morning, starkly clean and barren of any living activity. She shrugged out of her jacket and tossed it onto the couch as she bent down and picked up the mail that had been shoved through the delivery slot. Quickly, she noted it was the same old junk she normally received addressed simply to the current tenant. She dropped them into the trashcan as she slowly made her way toward her bedroom. Her hand trembled as she reached out to open the bedroom door. She prayed as she usually did that her lover would be on the other side of the door. Slowly, she opened the door to find only darkness again and the penetrating chill of an empty room. Turning on the light, she let the tears fall once more now that no one would be witness to her deep grief. Despondently, Gretchen walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down. She knew that if she stood much longer she was going to fall flat on her face. She could not remember the last time she had eaten or even when she felt the desire to eat. Her colleagues had remarked about how unseasonably slender she had become during the time when everyone else was putting on weight, what with Christmas immediately following Thanksgiving. She tried to eat but found it impossible to swallow past the tears that bunched in her throat as she fought valiantly not to break down at work. She stretched her arm toward the nightstand and slid open the top drawer. With tender hands, she reached in and withdrew a picture of her lover, Jo. Her fingers trembled as she lightly ran a single fingertip over the dark features in the picture. As she touched the lips beneath the glass, she could almost feel their warmth just as she last remembered them. In her mind, she could feel Jo’s breath caressing her fingers as she slowly sucked one tip into her mouth. Taking a deep ragged breath, Gretchen closed her eyes tightly as she tried to block out the memories once more. She failed though, as her love for Jo poured forth causing her to break into deep, heart rendering sobs. She clutched the photo against her chest and rocked back and forth, as if she were cuddling a person tight within her arms. Minutes passed until the sobs became dry gasps of air as no tears were left. Gretchen gently placed the picture on the bed beside her before leaning back toward the still open drawer. Her palms dampened as she withdrew a piece of paper that was so tattered it was surprising that she could still see the writing on it. Reaching out, Gretchen clicked on the bedside lamp as, for the millionth time, she read over the words on the single slip of paper. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Smalley, I deeply regret to inform you that your daughter, Sergeant Josephine Smalley, was severely wounded in action and passed away on October 27 2004 from an arterial hemorrhage at the wound triage center along the front line of the attack. She suffered injuries from heavy shrapnel wounds that shattered her shoulder and arm. Despite her injuries, Sergeant Smalley walked a distance of nearly two miles to the triage center for treatment. She was quite conscious and lucid until the end. We heard at 1900 on October 27 2004 of her death from an unexpected massive internal hemorrhage. The staff at the center spoke of her courage in resolutely walking while badly wounded in order to allow others to be treated ahead of herself. On behalf of her platoon and myself, I offer you our deepest condolences. She was an excellent soldier and comrade in arms. Her body will be shipped home as soon as possible, accompanied by a few of her fellow officers who wish to pay their last tributes to a brave and beloved comrade. She laid down her life as a valiant soldier, faithful unto death in serving her country. Yours faithfully in service,
Captain FN Wheeler Gretchen felt the anger and pain well up inside of her as, once more, she recalled the many arguments she and Jo had had when Jo joined the Army. She knew Jo’s faith and allegiance to her country was second only to her love for her. Finally, after months of haggling, Gretchen let her enlist. Within weeks, Jo was trained and sent overseas into active duty. Gretchen remembered Jo’s last promise to her as they kissed good-bye at the airport. “I’ll be home for Christmas. That’s a promise. We’ll be together forever and nothing will ever part us again.” It was Christmas Eve and Jo was home but lying in a cold grave, far away from Gretchen’s loving arms. Jo’s parent had received the notification late on October 28. They immediately made the trip to Gretchen and Jo’s apartment to let her know. Jo’s death devastated them all. Gretchen didn’t know how she would be able to live without her beloved Jo. She was her life. They had known each other from childhood and their love had grown stronger as they grew older until they realized no one else would ever fill their hearts but each other. Now, Gretchen was alone with no future to look forward to. She crumpled the letter and let it drop unnoticed to the floor as she stood and walked into the bathroom. She looked in the mirror and saw the skeleton she was becoming, but it no longer mattered as she opened the medicine cabinet. Reaching inside, she removed the bottle of sleeping pills that the doctor had prescribed at the time of Jo’s death. She had not wanted sleep to dull her senses during that painful time. She wanted to remember Jo. Gretchen filled a glass with tap water before taking the pill bottle in her other hand, turning, and walking back to the bed. She kicked off her shoes as she sat on the edge of the bed. She reached out and turned on the radio to soft, muted Christmas songs before sitting up straight and pouring all the pills from the bottle into her hand. Quickly, before she changed her mind, she filled her mouth with the pills and swallowed water until all the capsules had gone down. She sat the glass back on the bedside table before moving to lie down upon the bed. Curling into a fetal position, Gretchen picked up Jo’s picture and cuddled it once more against her chest as she lay numb, waiting for her life to end. She did not want a life without Jo and there simply was no reason left to live. If Jo couldn’t come to home for Christmas then it was time to join her wherever her spirit may be. The music filtered softly around Gretchen as the drugs began to work on her body. Her breathing became shallow and slow. Her eyes closed but still she held Jo’s picture tight against her breasts, wanting her close as long as possible. As the stillness began to suffuse her entire body, she heard one last song on the radio:
I’m dreamin’ tonight of a
place I love As the last strands of the song faded away into the deadly silence enveloping the apartment, church chimes rang out across the city as Christmas morning dawned once more. Suddenly, a brilliant light shone through the window of the quiet room and an angel drifted down toward the lifeless body of the woman lying on the bed. The angel reached out and touched the crown of Gretchen’s head as she said, "Gretchen , it is time. Rise with me and we will be together forever, just as I promised.” A blue haze glowed over Gretchen’s lifeless body as her spirit rose from its cold, physical form and joined with the angel. As her ethereal form surged toward the angel, her spirit spoke. “Jo, I knew you would come for me. I knew you wouldn’t leave me here alone.” Jo, the angel, smiled at her partner as slowly she nodded her head before drawing them both back into the beam of light that was beginning to dissipate. “As I said before, I would be home for Christmas, darling. We will never be apart again.” “I couldn’t live without you, baby. I was grieving to death. No one has been able to pull me out of this pit of despair. I had to do something to end the agonizing pain that was slowly wasting my body and soul. I had to be with you forever.” Gretchen replied as she wrapped her arms around the angel. The light faded as the two lovers rose into the air once more, united for all time.
The End Footnote: This story grew out of my experiences with despondent people around the holidays. It is at this time of year that issues are accentuated with regard to money problems, loneliness and despair. Taking one’s own life is something I could never perceive of doing but the fact exists that people do commit successful suicides. Generally, the ones who have never talked about it or made any previous attempts are the most likely to succeed in committing suicide. When a person has made multiple attempts or talks about suicide frequently then better interventions can be taken. Reach out during this holiday season and touch someone if even for just a few hours. Your approach may be just what is needed to stave off the despondency of the holiday seasons. If you or someone you know seeks more information on the subject of suicide, please visit http://www.hopeline.com in the United States for a better understanding. One line from the National Suicide Hotline has stayed with me. “You can end your emotional pain without ending your life. Remember, help is just a phone call away!” Our international friends can find similar help and information at http://www.suicide-helplines.org/index.html. Please do not hesitate to check them out if you are in crisis or know of someone in crisis. Thank you for reading.
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Copyright © December 2004 |
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