This story is partly fiction but the emotions are very real.
Love is a strange
bed fellow. It can come out of no where and
knock you for a loop. That’s what happened to me
and though the love has changed it will forever
be in me.
No Santa Claus
By T. Stratton
Sitting in front
of the fire brings memories of what we had for
over a year. You were the person who brought me
things, I never knew I’d have in my life.
Someone that I could talk to and not feel that
the words would cause you to judge me. Love that
would make me cry for joy and also drop into
sorrow and depression.
I reach over and grab my white pack of smokes. I
pull one out and take my lighter and lite the
end up, until I see the glowing red embers. I
know, I promised to never smoke again, but it's
one of my vices. I need that, right now. The
other is evident in the empty bottles and cans,
strewn throughout the kitchen and living room.
It’s my only salvation to keep me sane and I
hate breaking my promise, but right at this
moment and many more I’ve been through, it keeps
what sanity I have in check.
Slowly I watch the smoke circle around my head
and up to the ceiling, as I blow a long drag
from my lungs. The burn on my throat feels great
and I make it worse by taking a long drink of
the alcohol in my glass. I cough slightly from
the effects. To stop it, I take another drink
and it helps.
It's hard to believe, although we’ve never been
in the same room, that the love would affect me
like it has. It was more than just a physical
need that we had, it was a connection beyond
anything that anyone has ever told me about. I
would dream of you and what you smelled like.
Wondered what you looked like, as you fell over
the glorious peak my words would send you up. My
skin would tremble at the thought of your real
touch and my soul shattered, when I discovered
that it would never come to be.
I want to shout at the top of my lungs for being
a coward for not being able to be who you
needed, who I need to be. Time and circumstances
stop me, but who knows what the future holds.
I look over to the unlit Christmas tree and the
fact that no presents will be under it, causes
my whole body to shake with fear. I’ve never
been afraid that I would be alone all my life,
or even of dying alone. That is, until now.
I think back to when things started to change. I
thought I knew why, but I was wrong. The love we
shared was hurting you and you did what you
needed to do. Stepping back and slowly letting
me go. I’m used to that now. Everyone I have
ever known, has done that for a reason that I am
not aware of, until after the fact and the pain
has already happened. I’ve learned from that
though. I will never put forth the effort out
there to get hurt again like that. I finally
felt the big stick and it has knocked some sense
into my head.
It hurts, knowing that I am the reason for that
kind of pain. I never wanted to do that to you.
Your happiness has always been of greatest
importance to me.
So for my Christmas wish this year no Santa
Claus will deliver presents. I only wish that
you find the love and happiness that you need
under your tree with bows and bells on.
I stand on shaky legs and make my way to my
bedroom to try and sleep the night away and with
any luck, the next day as well.
The End
