I guess what I’m saying is that I don‘t love you anymore.  It’s not anything that you’ve done it’s just me.  I need more time to and for myself. 

Shawna said those last words to me before walking out of the door three years ago.  I have to admit that I was stunned.  Not only because I didn’t see it coming, but also because I felt it was totally undeserved. 

Shawna and I had been together for about 4 years.  We had great relationship.  We loved each other completely.  We were always up front and honest about our feelings towards each other and we were truly, deeply, madly in love with other; or so it seemed at the time.  Which is another way of saying ‘At least I thought so?’ 

You can probably imagine how heartbroken I was to learn otherwise.  However, time truly is healer and I recovered fairly quickly from the ugly aftermath of a broken relationship.  I did so well moving on in fact, that I moved right on to Renee. 

Fast-forward three years later to Renee and my anniversary party.  All the fan-fair was there, food, friends and family, coming together to show their love and support for us.  The party lasted until well into the night and damn near morning.  Finally, Renee gave me the look that let me know she was not up for anymore socializing and wanted to have a more private party; you know for just us two. 

So as politely as possible, I kicked everyone out of our apartment and moved to take my favorite lady in my arms. 

“I love you. Do you know that?”  I whispered softly in her ear.  Renee wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered back. 

“Yes. I do.”  She said and then leaned in to kiss me on the lips.  The kiss was one of the sweetest that we’ve ever shared and seemed to last all night.  We stood there just holding each other in a real moment of connection. 

This was the kind of closeness that you couldn’t get with just anyone.  This was a something special.  Something I don’t think I felt, not even then. 

“Ready to go to bed baby, it’s pretty late.”  I told her as we held each other around the waist and walked toward the bedroom. 

We ended the night just kissing and holding each other.  Unfortunately, we were too tired to do anything else.  However, I’d promised her that I would more than make up for it the next day. 

The next morning came early for both us only because the phone rang for what seemed like forever and drug both Renee and me out of a truly blissful and warm sleep. 

“Hello” I answered groggily. 

“Hi, Brooke.  It’s Shawna.  Can we talk?”  I thought I was hearing things at first.  The voice was so faint. 

“Baby?  Is everything ok?”  Renee looked at me quizzically.  It was more than likely due to the fact that I had my mouth hung open like a fish.  But, I managed to regroup quickly. 

“No baby, everything is fine.” 

“Who is it?”  At this moment, I had two decisions. Tell her the truth or lie.  Oh and just so you know, anything less than the truth would be a lie. 

“It’s Shawna baby.” 

Renee’s face actually seemed to pale.  However, her voice was calm. 

“Do you need a moment alone?” 

“No babe.  I want you to stay right here.”  She did so, laying her head against my chest and pulling in close to me. 

My mind was reeling. First Shawna calls out of the blue.  Next, it’s the morning after our anniversary.  How did she get my number?  That thought pounded through my head and lastly, and most importantly, I felt sick that Renee had to hear me talking to Shawna or anyone else for that matter at this time of morning. 

“Hey Shawna I’m guessing the reason you called must be important or else you would not have called me.  How can I help you?”  My voice was tight but I tried to be as civil as possible. 

“Look, I know that we haven’t talked in a while, but I really need to see you.  Can we do lunch? Today?”   She sounded like she had something serious going on and like the sap I can be at times, I felt bad for her. 

“I have to talk to my girlfriend.  Give me your number and I’ll call you back with my decision.”  I felt like crap, but something was telling me that I needed to go ahead and take care of this.  Today!  I wrote down Shawna’s number and then told her goodbye; after that, I faced Renee. 

“What do you want to do babe?”  She asked me so softly, it broke my heart.  I knew two things right then.  One; she already knew what my answer would be, and two, she didn’t like it. 

“Renee, I think that I should find out what's going on.  I don’t like it anymore than you do but something is telling me, not to blow her off.”  Renee lowered her head and knitted her brows together.  She then looked up at me; her light brown eyes sad but understanding. 

“You’re right baby. I don’t know what this is all about.  However, I do know that I don’t want you to get hurt.  Although we’ve been together for three years, I still remember the pain in your voice when you told me what happened.  I just….”  There her voice broke and a tear fell from her eye.  I moved my hand to cup her face and wiped her tear with my thumb.  Then I leaned down to kiss her full on the lips.  I wanted her know that she was the only one for me.  Nothing could or ever would change that. 

When we broke the kiss, I looked her full in the eyes.  “I love you baby.  Only you.  You don’t have to worry about me.  I’m coming back.  I’ll always come back home to you.” 

After a few moments of comforting each other, I picked up the phone and called Shawna. 

“Hi Shawna. It’s Brooke.  What time do you want to meet and where?”  I wrote down the number and address and got ready to go and meet her.  Renee was waiting by the door looking sad and forlorn in her gown and matching robe. 

“Baby, I love that color on you. But it looks better when you smile.”  I tried to lighten the mood by smiling at her lightly.  She returned the smile but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

“I’ll be back. Soon.”  With those words, I walked out of the door and into the cold, crisp air.  I met Shawna at one of the local coffee houses that seemed to be creeping up everywhere and found her sitting in the very back.  As she had already received her drink, I just decided to forego mine and get this over with.  She happened to look up as I was standing there and waved me over. 

“Hi Shawna.”  I said as I sat down across from her.  She looked quite different from the last time I saw her.  Her face was drawn in; her eyes were not as bright or sharp.  She even held herself differently less of the aloofness, which she always gave off with much flair, and more like a heavy weight was bearing down upon her.  She was still an attractive woman, honey blonde hair, blue eyes, nice smile, but she wasn’t as beautiful as she used to be.  Something was missing and lucky me was about to find out. 

“Hello Brooke.  You look well.  I see things have been good for you.”  She said curtly. 

“Yes Shawna they have.  But I’m sure you didn’t call me for that.”  I said as nicely as I could but there was a steely coldness inside of me that flickered as she looked at me. 

“Brooke you were always so perceptive, except when it came time for me to leave.”  She was skating on thin ice but, I held my tongue.

“Well it seems that I’ve lost that sixth sense once again because I can’t figure out for the life of my why you’re here.”  She seemed to be taken aback by that little comment and tried to smile. 

“Brooke, I’m sorry. I really didn’t come here to argue with you.  I came because I miss you. I do. Really.”  With this last bit, she leaned over to touch my hand and I pulled it away, trying not to show the feeling of repulsion that I was sure was on my face. 

She noticed.  She did her best to regain her composure. 

“I know that leaving you the way I did was wrong.  I admit that.  I should have been honest with you from the beginning.  Nevertheless, I didn’t know how to tell you that I’d found someone else.  So I just said nothing.”  That bit of news struck me like a hammer.  I was almost dumbfounded and I had less than a minute to weigh the options I had before me.  Renee or Shawna.  My prayers were answered with my next sentence. 

“Actually Shawna, your decision, no matter what your excuses were or are, was the best one that could have ever happened to me.  If you had waited, I would have bought you a drink.  It’s the least I can do to thank you.” 

She smiled a slimy and sickening smile and said “Brooke you don’t have to play games with me.  I know how you felt about me and I know all about Renee.  But more than anything, I know that she doesn’t satisfy you.  Nobody could ever satisfy you the way that I could and can.  What do you say?” 

Now it was my turn to smile. 

“Shawna your wealth of self-confidence always amazed me.  But where is it now?  You show up here, calling my home, that I share with my girlfriend, which by the way I took as an insult.  You keep tabs on me and you talk about how much you miss me and want me back.  What happened?  Did your new love not work out?”  I said the last part very sweetly. 

Shawna sat stunned. I had the feeling she underestimated how long three and half years actually were.  She also overestimated her power over me. 

“Brooke.  I said I was sorry, what more do you want.  I made a mistake.  I can admit that.  Can’t you?  We loved each other once very much. How can you do this to me?”  She said as tears streamed down her eyes.  It was strange.  Where once I would have tried to comfort her, today I felt nothing. Nothing except relief.  I could have played into her and her neediness for years.  I thought that it was amazing how much a true love can affect such major change in your life.  I decided then to make sure I made Renee sure of that when I got home. 

I sighed deeply then spoke from my heart.  “I know that you are sorry Brooke.  I can tell even now that you are hurting.  It’s almost funny; you admitted that you made a mistake.  You never admitted that when we were together.  It makes me wonder what happened to you to bring you to this point and back to me.  However, not enough to find out.  Yes, we loved each other very much.  Or rather, I loved you very much.  I found out the hard way that you didn’t feel the same way.  So can I admit that you made a mistake?  Yes.  I can.  I can also admit that I’ve made mistakes.  But none while I was with you.  The only mistake I’m making now is leaving the woman I love at home while I sit here and try to play nice with you.” 

I made to stand up and she grabbed my hand.  I pulled away from her gently.  “Goodbye Shawna and good luck.” 

Shawna sat there dumbfounded as I made my way back across the restaurant.  I’d always thought that if I got a chance to see her again, I’d get the answer to why.  Now I see that there is no reason she could give.  This chapter in my life was closed.  Now it was time to move on. 

I made it home an hour later.  Renee was curled up on the sofa, staring out of the window.  I hung my jacket on the coat rack and walked over to her.  I sat down behind her and wrapped my arms around her. 

“Hey.”  I whispered as ran my fingers through her hair. 

“Hi.”  She said as she leaned back against me.  “How did it go?” 

“Very good.” I said sincerely.  Renee turned to me and smiled half-heartedly. 

“Why is that?”  I looked at her full on and took her face in my hands. 

“Well first I want to tell you something…” She looked a little perplexed so I rushed on “….I apologize.  I should never have agreed to see her.  I ruined our anniversary by agreeing to meet her.  I should have never let her or anyone else come between us. Do you forgive me baby?” 

Renee’s eyes welled up with tears but she shook her head yes.  I was so relieved that I pulled her close to me and hugged her tight. 

“Thank you baby.  Thank you.  I also want you to know how much I love you and that you will never, and I mean NEVER, have to worry about her calling here again.  Ok?” 

Her voice was raspy with sadness and uncertainty.  It was barely more than a whisper as she spoke “Yes.” 

I kissed her gently on the lips.  I could taste the saltiness of her tears and at that moment, the only thing I wanted to do was erase the pain that had caused them.  Our kiss intensified and she moved her body to sit on top of mine.  I placed my hands on her back and ran them up and down her spine.  We broke away for an instant to catch our breaths. Then I moved my mouth to her neck, placing my lips against her pulse point and following them with a trace of my tongue.  Everything in me wanted to take her right then and there, but this was for her and her alone.  So, I decided to take my time. 

Renee moved her hands down over my back and down my waist.  “Pull your shirt off.”  She said with pure unadulterated passion.  I snapped to attention and pulled it off of me and in no time it was on the floor.  She moved her hands to cup my breasts and knelt her head down to take a nipple into my mouth.  She sucked and pulled on my nipple hard letting her teeth nip me just enough.  “Ummmph fuck!” 

She brought her head back up and smiled at me. “What are you gonna do about that?”  I didn’t speak another word. I decided I’d show her.  I picked her up, laid her on the sofa, and pulled off her underwear.  Before they were down I could smell her and that alone was setting my body on fire.  I moved my leg between her thighs and pressed hard against her hardened nub.  I could feel her wetness streaming down her slit as I worked my leg against her.  I pushed my leg against her harder and at the same time took her mouth in a passionate kiss.  My tongue swirled around and around, tasting her as if it were the first time I’d had the pleasure.  I was lost in her, all of her, taste, smell, and feel.  I could not get enough. 

I replaced my thigh with my fingers and parted her silken folds.  Then I traced a hot trail of wet kisses down her stomach and ending at her center of desire.  I licked a lazy circle around her clit and then flicked my tongue rapidly back and forth. Renee bucked against my mouth as I teased her mercilessly.  Her hands dug into my hair trying to get me to take all of her into my mouth. 

“Please baby. Ahhhhhhhhh Shit!”  She got me; I could never resist her when she got excited.  Or even when she wasn’t.   I moved lower, drove my tongue deep inside of her pussy, and swirled it around and around bringing her closer and closer to the edge. 

“GODDAMMIT BROOKE!!!”  She was right where I wanted her to be.  With rapid speed, I moved my mouth away from her, dropped my pants and drove my hot clit against hers. I ground our pussies together until we fell over the edge. 

“FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!” 

“AHHHHHHHHHH BABY!!SHIT!!!” 

That was the last thing said before we fell into a heap on the sofa.  I was spent.  I suppose the day took more out of me than I thought.  I was about to move to give Renee some space but she held me there. 

“No baby. I want you right here. With me.” 

“Do you?”  I said softly. 

“Always.”  She replied as she kissed me on the forehead. 

“Thank you baby.” 

“For what?” 

“Loving me. Putting up with me. All of that stuff.” 

She looked at me and smiled.  Then she said, “Brooke, sweetheart I want you to know that you never have to worry about how much I love you.  It’s yours forever.” 

Mmmmm forever. I thought about those words as I kissed her and held her close.  I thought about how I longed for that with Shawna and to no avail.  Then I smiled.  Because I finally understood that nothing happens without reason, and that what you do, good or bad, surely does come back around to you.

The End

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