Jail Break

Whooooo Hoooooo. 

Let me reiterate. Whooooo Hoooooo, I’m going home. Home to my beloved over clocked 3Ghz AMD CPU. I have made it my life’s mission to avoid Intel at all cost, I know for a fact they are in league with Beelzebub. You would not believe how much I missed her. I even went as far as a full blown tantrum to get the Doc to let me have my notebook. The best thing about my little dummy spit is that I did it when Liz was there. Chalk up some more ‘Doofus’ points for Cooper. One day I will be suave and cool.  

I’m sure of it.  

Ok, fine, I will forever be a great big doofus, sorry make that Doofus with a capital D. Maybe there is an online college course…..  

Mmmmm Mental note to self, send out Bots online to find such courses, and source French maids outfit……. 

Ohhhhh bad brain, but very nice images……. I know for a fact there is a killer bod hiding away under Liz’s mild mannered clothes. The brief view I got of matching underwear will fuel my fantasies for years to come. I know I have an unhealthy obsession for underwear, but my Psych 101 course made it all quite logical. I can place the entire blame on Victoria. If she persists in putting out those glorious glossy poor mans porno’s called catalogues, sex starved, insecure lesbians like myself wouldn’t become so attached to matching underwear. So once again, I Blame Victoria and her not-so Secrets. Whats worse is the lingerie Liz was wearing is on page 28 of the most recent catalogue, so I guess I know some of liz’s secrets as well, but I still don’t know if the carpet matched the drapes……. 

The Doc has written instructions for the care of the rare Californian Native Cooperus Domestcus, and Robyn is loaded up with 6 different medications. Now we await my chair-iot. I have no idea how the hell they are going to get me into the chair let alone the car. I weigh 200 pounds on a light day, add on the cast, and three weeks of calorie-laden flavor-low hospital food and no exercise at all…. Do you get the picture?  

Mental Note: Research Sumo wrestling as a replacement for soccer.  

Jason comes into my room looking like someone took away his favorite Kylie Minogue CD. 

“Who is going to keep me amused on the night shift now Studly?” He asks as he helps me change out of my nightshirt and into some baggy training shorts and a t-shirt. Robyn has gone to take all the flowers and balloons from my room to the pediatrics ward so it’s just me and Jason. I will miss him, for the last few weeks he has taken care of me, we have become friends. I don’t really have a lot of those so I can’t really afford to let him go, so we trade email addresses and phone numbers. He even promises to come see me in my new house, which Robyn so thoughtfully had furnished while I was in here. Robyn comes back with a wheelchair in tow, Jason kisses me on the cheek before pulling Robyn aside, they talk for a couple of minutes before Jason scampers back to work. 

The wheelchair is wheeled in flanked by two large orderlies, who easily lift me into the chair.  

I am currently standing on my good leg leaning against the big black SUV Liz drives, with Liz on my left helping to support my weight; while Robyn struggles to get the wheelchair into the trunk.  

I think I might be about to melt into the gutter. 

Liz is being helpful and helping me but her height puts her jaw level with my braless chest. Every time I wiggle or lose my balance my newly re-installed nipple ring rubs against her face. It’s making me crazy. I know she can feel it poking her.  

No Breast for the Wicked 

I am going insane. I have to struggle to keep my hands around her waist and not somewhere much more interesting. Cooper’s arm is over my shoulder and my face is right up against her breast. Now is the perfect time to try and get her into the backseat of my X5. We do a pretty good job, Cooper is on the backseat, flat on her back and I’m trying to help get the cast in a position where Cooper can sit up. We’re doing great until my knee slips on the leather seats and I sprawl face first into Cooper’s chest. 

I know for a fact I am not the only one who is struggling with this position. I can feel it. Well I can feel a diamond hard nipple and its jewelry nudging me. I am possessed by the devil for 2.8 seconds and give in to the urge to bite it. Cooper squeaks delightfully, so I do it again. I let it go when I hear the tailgate being closed. 

Oh My God. Did I really just do that? Did I really just bite Cooper’s nipple? Maybe it was just my incredibly horny imagination…… I look up at Cooper who looks dazed, but her eyes give away just how turned on she is. She looks down at me as if she too was trying to work out if it was real. She obviously finds what she was looking for because the next thing I know, I am being kissed. Her hands are on my face, gently stroking. Mine are on her shoulders, clutching and pulling her closer. This would have to be one of the hottest experiences of my life; I am so turned on from one of Cooper’s kisses I’m sure it must be flowing down my legs like a torrent. Where on earth did she learn to do that? Whoever it was deserves the Nobel Prize, and then I will have to kill them. Slowly and painfully.

The sound of applause forces us apart. Looking away from Coopers intense eyes I can see Robyn and Jason clapping and hooting like a pair of idiots. I pull away from the tempting body beneath me and again try to get Cooper comfortable. Without a single word we manage our task. Before I move to the driver’s seat I just have to kiss her again. Why fight something I have no defense for? 

Blister In the Sun 

I am in heaven. Really I am, I could die happy right now. All week I have been fed genuine home cooked meals, meals that require no microwave or telephone. Meals that have flavor instead of ketchup. I hope my leg never heals if life will continue like this, even if I do end up weighing 400 pounds. Life with a slab of sidewalk strapped to my leg has been interesting to say the least. Simple tasks have turned into gigantic productions. Taking a shower is now a fond and distant memory, even a bath is out of the question with plaster all the way up to my crotch. Even using the toilet is a drama, and it taught me a few valuable lessons. 

Saran wrap is NOT my friend.  

Modesty is way over rated. 

Women are beyond my comprehension. 

How did I come to these earth-shattering results?  

Experience.  

Saran wrap, although the enemy, saves my cast from becoming soggy, and charming shade of yellow when using the bathroom facilities.  

The ad’s on television show housewives using it with ease, sealing bowls, wrapping lunches etc etc, HOWEVER when I try to use it, it inevitably ends up a ball of unusable plastic instead of the nice easy to use plastic wrap advertised. I want my $2.39 back and I want to sue them for false advertising. Lying scum suckers. 

Lesson two was learnt when a sponge bath turned into ‘the Perfect Storm’ and I nearly drowned my self. Luckily Robin heard my frantic gurgles and came to the rescue. Robin has also proven herself to be excellent at taming Saran Wrap. Needing help to even pee should be humiliating, but I find that a soggy, smelly, yellow cast would be even more so. 

Liz on the other hand, tends to avoid me when it comes to personal hygiene matters, and the whole kissing thing is yet to be repeated. What did I do wrong? Am I doing it badly? Too much tongue? Not enough? I don’t even know how to ask her about it. 

I need to get away from the depressing thoughts. 

So how about that Lakers game? Did you catch that last basket?   

I think everyone I know has been to see me this week. They all think I must be so upset that I missed out on the Olympic squad. I’m really not; there were plenty of talented players to choose from. I think I did well even getting the invite. What I am pissed off about is that I was injured on purpose. I spent an entire week in a coma, scaring the shit out of people, because they didn’t like the competition. The police said they tried to charge them for assault and reckless endangerment but the father of one of them is some kick ass lawyer and get the charges thrown out of court. Don’t ya just love the justice system? Poor little rich girls’ couldn’t buy a place on the squad so they took me out of the running. A couple of other players were mysteriously injured before the tryouts too. Coincidence??? I need to find a lawyer and sue their asses for pain and suffering along with the makers of Saran Wrap. Wonder if Daddy could make that go away? 

Hell I must be in a bad mood if I’m thinking about suing people. I need to get out of the house, soak up some sun, and get some air. But here I am stuck in bed. At least I have my computer now I’m at home. I almost went insane stuck in hospital without it, the only problem is my eyes don’t seem to be able to adjust to the screen; I tried to read a normal book as well only to find all the pages to be a blurry mess. Maybe the knock to the head did something weird to my eyes. I haven’t said anything about it yet. I’m a little terrified I might have to go back to the hospital. But then again, maybe if I was back there Liz might stop trying to avoid me. I miss having her read to me. She is a great storyteller, I’m sure she could sell them. Come to think of it, she could sell steak to a vegetarian. Then again, she could be selling bags of dog shit for a hundred bucks a piece and I’d want one.  

The ringing of the phone brings an end to my mental wanderings. 

“Hello this is the Benson home for the temporarily crippled, how can I help you?” 

*** Studddlllyyyyyyy, Oh how I have missed your glorious presence. Night shift just isn’t the same without you around. How’s life at home?*** 

“Jason!! I’m glad you called; sponge baths are dangerous without you! I swear I nearly drowned when I tried it on my own.” 

Jason just laughs at me. 

*** Well Studly, you should have enlisted the help of a certain blonde to lend you a hand or two. Bath time is always more fun with two people anyway.*** 

“Well, the certain blonde hasn’t been the one to help with that sort of thing.” 

*** Ahhhhhh, I seeeeee.**** His confusion is obvious, he doesn’t see at all. *** Well I might drop in tonight, just to check on you of course.*** 

“Why don’t you and Bruce come over for dinner? I still haven’t met your sugar daddy.” 

*** That sounds like a great idea, it might give Liz a kick up the behind as well. So we will see you say 8 o’clock? We will pick dinner up on the way.*** 

I give him directions and we hang up. It was good to talk to him; I have missed his campy company. Nights stuck in the hospital are so demoralizing and having Jason around really helped.  

“COOP, YOU HUNGRY? I BAKED MUFFINS!” Robin bellows from the kitchen. Home cooked muffins? 400 pounds here I come! 

Damocles’ Sword 

Robin has just left me here all by myself.  

Dirty rotten stop out.  

She is so off my Christmas card list. Apparently Jason from the hospital is coming over with dinner, which could be dangerous, Jason that is, not the dinner. Cooper and Jason together turn into the better educated versions of Beavis and Butthead. Cooper is currently parked on the brand new ‘Lazy Boy’ recliner watching the Discovery Science Channel, while throwing peanuts into the air and catching them with her mouth. I, on the other hand am doing my best to be interested in the oh so fascinating world of nano-technology.  

Yaaaaaaaaaaawwwwnnnnnnnn.  

Sorry the idea of itty bitty little robots swimming around in my blood stream just does not appeal to me at all. I read Isaac Asimov’s book many years ago and am still a little freaked out. There is only one way I would ever want to be introduced to nano-anythings, and that is if Seven of Nine was going to assimilate me. Yes please. I noticed that Cooper has the entire seven seasons of Star Trek: Voyager on VHS tape. I know what I’ll be doing later on. I have a date with a blonde ex-drone. The damn door bell just gave me a heart attack. Now I think I’m going to have another one because I know it’s probably Nurse Know-it-all on the other side. Cooper is looking at me a little strangely so I smile and go answer the door. 

“Hey Spunky, good to see you! Let me introduce you two, Bruce this is Liz, Liz, Bruce.” Jason beams as we shake hands. I am a little thrown by Jason’s partner, I was expecting someone a little different. Bruce is tall, broad and very handsome in a Harrison Ford kind of way. I show them into the ‘Shack’ as Cooper calls it and Jason introduces Bruce to Cooper. In the lights of the house the age difference between the two men is obvious. I know Jason is 28, but Bruce has to be at least 45, maybe even older. I can’t help but wonder how they got together, and how they stay together. 

“We grabbed enough Chinese to feed most of L.A so we should get into it before it gets too cold.” Bruce says as he starts pulling the food out of the pile of bags on the table. Jason follows me to the kitchen to help get plates and glasses. 

“I see you have retreated back into your shell?” He says bluntly. 

“I don’t know what to do Jason. How do I do this and not end up getting really badly hurt?” I ask him a little snidely 

“You don’t know you will get hurt, just maybe Cooper is the one who won’t hurt you. I do know that you being an indecisive bitch, leading her on then ignoring her. I think if anyone here is going to end up hurt, it’s going to be Cooper. In fact I think you have already hurt her. The real question is what the hell are you going to do about it Liz?” He states before taking the plate out, leaving me in the kitchen with the sword of Damocles hanging over my head. What do I listen to? 

My heart tells me Cooper could make me happy, if I get over myself and just let it happen. 

My head is telling me to run far, far away because if Cooper worms her way into my heart she will just hurt me in the end.