From the first day I can remember you were there.  When we were very young our mom dressed us alike, but soon my personality began to emerge and I resisted wearing the frilly dresses that she bought.  I played sports; you played with your dolls.  The wall above the top bunk of the bed displayed posters of 70’s teenage idols and you swooned over Donny and David like all the other girls.  Below your section my baseball and action movie posters reigned.  But after the lights went out we shared secrets and private thoughts that we knew were safe only with each other. 

We shared a passion for music.  You played the clarinet and later the guitar, while all I ever wanted was a set of drums.  I wasn’t like the other girls in school, so I didn’t have many friends, but I never really noticed.  I was too caught up in my sports, music and eventually my writing. 

One day I got up the courage to show you my notebook.  Up until that time, I kept that part of myself a carefully hidden secret.  I sat silently waiting as you read.  You looked up from the page and smiled your ‘I’m so proud of you’ smile and I thought my heart would burst with happiness.  I lived for your approval. 

Our teenage years became tumultuous, especially yours.  Suddenly you started trying crazy things and everything went wrong.  You said you had to leave; you couldn’t stay with us anymore.  Our father lived two thousand miles away.  What was I going to do without you here to turn to?  The night before you left, we stood outside on the corner beneath the glow of the streetlight.  You said the blood we shared was an unbreakable bond, where one goes, the other is there. 

The sounds of their latest angry argument carried through the open window across the muggy summer night.  Glancing in the direction of the house, you shook your head sadly before fixing me with serious hazel eyes. 

“Even though distance will separate us, I promise to always be there for you.”

I struggled to keep my tears from falling.  This couldn’t be happening.  My chin quivered as I stammered, “I…I could come with you.” 

“No, little sis, you can’t.” You smiled for me.  I know now that you were just being brave.  You were as frightened as me. 

“I want you to promise me some things.” 

“Anything,” I said.

“Promise me to stay sweet.  Keep writing. And one day, when you realize what really makes you unique, don’t shrink from who you are.”  Tears welled up in your eyes and I thought I would be crushed under the weight of the emotion between us. 

“I promise.”  I whispered, even though I didn’t understand.

You pulled me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head.  “One more thing.” Your voice broke, “I want us to promise each other that no matter what, we will always be there for each other.  Don’t ever think I don’t need you.” 

I was skeptical.  You were older and always seemed to have all the answers while I floundered and struggled for direction. You stepped back and met my eyes again.  I realized for the first time that we had exactly the same eyes.

Touching my chin you assured me, “You’ll see.  One day, I’m going to need you far more than you ever needed me.” 

**********

“Aunt Lisa is my mommy in heaven?” The sweet voice pulls me back from my memories to the painful reality of the present. 

I force a smile down at the miniature version of your face framed by white-blonde hair.  Your eyes—our eyes—stare up at me earnestly.  Bending down, I lift the little boy into my arms, unmindful of wrinkling my navy suit.  His head immediately drops to my shoulder and I press my cheek to the top of his head. 

I feel my wife’s hand slip into my right hand and instinctively rub my thumb across the surface of her wedding ring.  I turn to look at her holding your youngest son.  He is sleeping soundly in the safety of her embrace, oblivious to the sadness around him. 

“Yes,” I answer the innocent question. If ever a soul was destined for paradise, it was you, I think to myself.  

“Are we going to live with you now?”  The little voice inquires.

I can almost feel the weight of the envelope in my pocket.  The legal documents assigning custody of your sons to me.  My wife and I never discussed having children and I shifted my eyes to her as the question hung in the air.  I knew what I wanted, but did she want the same thing? 

In answer, she smiles.  I see such love in her eyes that mine overflowed with hot, grateful tears.  She stood and stepped close to us.  I leaned in and slipped my arm around her waist, connecting the four of us together. 

“Yes,” I answered again, “we’re a family.” 

I move forward and bend to place a kiss on the top of the dark cherry wood casket.  A sob escaped my throat when the little boy in my arms leaned out to do the same.  Then, I rejoin my wife and together with your children in our arms, we make our way slowly from the gravesite. 

After helping the three of them into the car, I turn back for one final look.  I see you standing a short distance away.  Your voice echoes in my head, “Someday, I’m going to need you more than you ever needed me.” 

A sad smile crosses my face as I realize this was the promise I was meant to keep. I blow a kiss in the air.  I promise.

The End