October 31 ….. once again it crept up on me and I had to rush out to the store to buy candy to pass out to all the little costumed rug rats that dare to ring my bell.  I set up the plastic skull with the top shaved off and filled it with candy before placing it on a table by the door.  Finally I was ready to put on my costume. 

I whistled a catchy tune under my breath as I walked into my bedroom and caught one look at myself in the mirror.  I nearly sank to my knees in shock.  I looked like a walking zombie.   

My eyes were deeply sunken and lined by black circles.  My flesh that once was full and rosy was starting to shrink away from my cheekbones and hung freely with a grayish tint to the skin.  My once smiling lips were turned down and the laughter lines now looked like deep scars. 

I slowly sank down onto the edge of the bed as I reviewed the ravage of change that had happened in just three short months.  During that time I lost both my partner and my job.  I was devastated but had not realized the toll it had taken on my body and not just my mind. 

I looked around at the over stuffed boxes lined against the wall in my bedroom.  All of my diploma’s, pictures and calendars were stuffed haphazardly into the cardboard cells instead of hanging proudly on a wall.  Even the clock that always ran too fast was tucked nicely away in a box, no longer ticking off the time that I was at work.  

I found myself reflecting about the past.  It was a task that filled way too many of my hours the last three months.  I couldn’t help wondering how life could go so wrong in a blink of the eye. 

I had worked hard all my life and sacrificed many family hours to be successful in my job.  I always supported and stood strong in my faith for the business for which I work.  I was an advocate, supporter, builder and caretaker for the business.  Now I am a piece of trash that can be thrown away with very little regard.  When did it all go wrong?  What did I do that years of my life can be scoffed away without a second thought? 

I lived by my personal values and that was to do the best job that I knew how to do for the organization, to be true to it and honor and support it with my whole being.  Even when I personally felt decisions were wrong, I joined the bandwagon and supported them.  I stood as an advocate for my staff and as a protector, a supporter, a coach and a friend.   

None of that mattered now as I looked around and realized by removing my personal items, I could easily wipe my existence out of the building. 

I gave my whole commitment to the company but was betrayed at the end when I needed them the most.  My heart burned with pain and internal shame that I had failed for the first and last time in my working life.  I was no longer of value to the organization and team.  I had nothing left that was needed by the company. I had been drained, used up and discarded like a crushed milk carton that fulfilled a role until it was empty. 

It saddened me to know that in the pinnacle of my life, I too could be discarded and tossed aside just as easily as that cardboard carton.  I ached and held back the tears as I tried to remain strong and smiled to hide my shame and my disappointment in how I had been treated. 

Yet, none of it was as bad as being discarded emotionally as I had been in my personal relationship.  I never dreamed I’d be alone late in life.  I took for granted she would always be with me, growing old together, doing and saying the same things as we mellowed with age. 

Yet simple words destroyed my life before work ever did.  I will never forget the way my heart raced than crushed as she said, “I’m not happy and I haven’t been for a long time.  I want you to leave.” 

She gave some stupid explanation of why she wanted me to go….isn’t it funny….me having to leave my home of 31 years because she wanted me gone.   

Within a week, I had sorted and selected the items that I wanted and were only mine.  I couldn’t take it all, simply no room, so I had to leave behind the physical objects that are the mainstay of my memories, the treasures that have little value but to me.  It was items like our child’s toys, boxed and kept over the years so that sometime in the future I could hand them over to her children.  It was also the Christmas items, picked each year to represent the past year that I held in trust for our daughter’s Christmas tree some year when she chose to began her own Christmas tradition.  I left my furniture, dishes, pictures, and books; walking away knowing my life had been forever changed. 

I was frightened and lonely, afraid if I cried I would never stop.  Yet who would be there to hear if I did.  I walked around with a heart pain that made me ache constantly for the past.  I had thoughts continuously in my mind wondering once more what I did that caused her to not love me any more.  I had always been emotionally insecure and this is only adding to the questions of self worth.  I questioned what in the world do I do that kept people from loving me. 

Yet there is a flicker of light that is trying to grow brighter each day and I can’t wait until it blazes once more to chase the shadows and gloom out of my life.  My best friend is nearby.  She is holding the fears that could destroy me back without even knowing it.  She is someone to talk to, to laugh with and to argue so that my days and nights are not filled with that emptiness that shatters the soul.  She keeps me sane or is it that she drives me insane, what ever it is, no words can ever express the gratitude and love I feel for her for being with me while my world tumbled down around my head and in such a short time.  I used to think she needed me but I now realize I needed her much more.  She is someone I can talk to, laugh with and yes, even cry with.   

One of the days, the storm will finally stop driving its black clouds around to follow me, the sun will warm me, and I’ll have a life again.  It will never be the same but I can only hope it is better than what I am feeling right now. 

Till then, I’ll take each day as it comes, never give up and rebuild my self confidence.  The real me is inside somewhere and I just have to get out of the muck and mire to find me again. 

I rose from the bed and once more reached for my costume.  I slipped into the clown outfit and carefully put on the white makeup that would hide the ravages of my pain.  I painted a wide, red smile and hoped the white streaks on my face where the tears were running would be mistaken for sweat. 

The bell began to ring so once more I put on that false smile and brave front and prepared to go to see what goblin was ringing my bell.  Tomorrow I will have time to think more and make a firm decision regarding what I am going to do with the remainder of my life.

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Copyright © Oct 2005 by Fantasy Bard. All Rights Reserved.

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