It was October 31 and the fog rolled in off the lake clouding my vision, the damp dreary night fit my mood so well. I was alone... as I always am... When I hurt, I run from it and hide until it passes, so I walked the shoreline each night before going to bed, it normally helped me relax, but tonight was different.  There was electricity in the air.  Was it the sadness in my heart making me over react? It had been ten long years since I had been back to my cottage as it held such sorrowful sad memories for me, of a love offered and a love lost. She was the only woman I would ever love but she is the one I would never have. She is the woman who haunts me day and night, she is the one who scares me; she is the one who loved me unconditionally, yet I am alone. Nobody knows. Nobody sees, nobody knows but me. 

I felt the fog tugging at my jeans and I turned to head back to my cottage, but the fog being so thick I could not find it. The fall leaves crunched under my boots. Halloween was just around the corner and it was the one time of year I let myself reflect backwards in time to a love from which I had run.  I stumbled in the darkness only to find myself standing under a light pole.  The building in front of me was the town hall. As I moved closer to the building I realized there was a body lying under the town hall light.  Kneeling down, I felt for a pulse but there was none.  My fingertips felt nothing but cold clammy skin.  They came away soaked in blood. It was then I heard someone yelling at me.

“You there, I said... you there.  What are you doing?” The thick French accent called out and I panicked.  I stood up and did the only thing I know to do best. I ran. I ran because my life depended on it. I felt the brush ripping and tearing at my legs as I ran.   I could hear the noises of someone chasing me but I did not stop. I came to the lake and I knew I was lost. I washed my hands, cleaning off the dried blood. Seeing a light in the distance I headed in that direction.   I just wanted to find my cottage, crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and hope this nightmare will end.  

The light I had seen from the water edge was a tiny little cabin.  I recognized it.  The cabin was my best friend’s hide away on the weekends. I knocked on the door hoping she was home but as the door opened I realized it was her wife. She opened the door and I pushed my way in, shutting and locking it behind me. 

“Don’t ask any questions right now Emily.” I muttered as I sat down at the kitchen table holding my head in my hands. I had once again screwed up and did the one thing I can do better then anyone, I ran.   I had ran from my past.   I have run from love every time it beats upon my door and now I had ran from a murder scene. I had even run from Emily and the love she had offered but that was years ago now, yet here I was sitting at her kitchen table, her blue eyes staring at me like she always did. The questions I never answered were there once again. But this time I wouldn’t answer any. I could not drag her into my mess, I was sure those who had seen me in town would think I had killed that man. I felt her touch on my shoulders and I once again became weak. I was still in love with her even if she was my best friend’s wife. Nobody knows. Nobody sees, nobody knows but me. 

“I have missed you Joanie.  I have waited for you to come back to me.” She whispered in my ear, her hands running up and down my shoulders, I felt trapped and began to panic. She moved to stand in front of me, her hands caressing my chest muscles lightly. I lost all control then as she leaned in and kissed me softly on the mouth. Softly I felt her tongue running across my lips asking for entry.  I returned her kiss with the pent up passion I had locked deep down inside my heart. As she pulled me to her bed I knew for just a few stolen moments I could make her mine.  I gave myself to her completely even if for just one hour.  We hid among the shadows of the night and made love to each other. 

I awakened with a start and realized she was wrapped in my arms. It hit me then what I had done.  I slipped silently from her bed, dressed as quickly as I could and once again I did what I do best. I ran. I knew my cottage was two miles south of Emily’s cabin so I began to head home. It was then I heard the bay of the dogs.  They were closing in on me. I had no where to run now.  They would find me no matter how far I ran. I dropped to my knees and waited.   I was done running.  

They put the handcuffs on me and took me to jail. I answered no questions.   I spoke not a word when the judge asked what my alibi was. He said if I was somewhere else I wouldn’t have to die. I spoke not a word though it meant my life, for I had been in the arms of my best friend’s wife. Nobody knows. Nobody sees, nobody knows but me. 

Now my time has come, I chose to die then betray the love I had been given for just one night. I make my final walk down the street, searching every face for her blue eyes one last time. She stood in the crowd and shed not a tear as I walked on by her. The shackles rattling in the silence as our eyes met. Ahead of me I can see the hanging platform. The scaffolding high and eternity waiting for me and one last time I looked in her eyes filled with silent questions that will go unanswered as my world goes black. I was once again running from love... into the arms of death. Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows... but me.

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