I woke with a start; the bed was cold and very empty. She had already left for work. I sighed and climbed out of bed. Nudged the dog with my foot and walked towards the kitchen for some much needed coffee. I smiled at my favorite cup setting next to the coffee marker; I flipped the switch and waited. My eyes caught the note lying on the table, I groaned as I read the note. It was a "Honey-Do" list. It was my one-day off for the week and I was not looking forward to shopping and completing an HD list. I reread it several times; even her handwriting sent shivers raging throughout my body. Neatly scrawled across the white paper, the letters flowed like sweet strawberry wine. Red ink on the paper made my heart beat a tiny bit faster as it did every morning when I read a note she left for me. But this morning I actually growled and the damn dog growled back at me. Even she agreed we should spend the day on the couch veggin' an watching Zeeena reruns. I poured me a cup of steaming hot coffee and sat down to look at the note one more time………

It started out with the usual title: Honey Do: Needless to say I knew exactly who she was referring to - ME. The list read as follows:

Baby,
1. Put out trash, pickup is today
2. Clean out kitty litter box
3. Finish vacuuming the upstairs
4. Check the cabinets and refrigerator to see what you need to buy at Wal-Mart
5. Walk dog before going to the store
6. Pick up laundry from dry cleaners while out
7. Be sure to buy fruit for lunches this week
8. Pick up your prescriptions
9. Whipped cream for…..well you can figure that one out
10. Pick me up a new bra to replace the one you ripped last night
I Love ya,
Honey

I was doing fine till I got to number ten. Coffee launched it self out my mouth at 90 miles an hour. I choked and sputtered. I had to buy her a new bra?? What was she thinking? She had lost her mind as there was no way in hell that I would go into a store and buy a bra. I realized I didn't even know what size to buy. How was I supposed to buy one without that information? Sure I knew how they fit in my hands, but I think she would most likely beat me about the head for askin to fondle another woman's boobs to buy her a bra. Then it hit me. I had some shopping to do. She wanted a new bra she was gonna get one. I knew I could never say no to this woman. I showered, had one more cup of coffee as I dressed.

I, being not the swiftest apple of dried up old fruit, had to go and see for myself. I pulled on my wolverine boots, black of course. Black cargo pants, tight fitting black Hanes T-shirt. Pulled on my black Carhart hat and headed for my truck. I had to go to the ever-famous Wal-Mart's. Sunglasses in place I drove the few blocks down to see about some fruit. I parked closest to the door as I could in case I had to make a fast escape. I was shaking by the time I hit the front entrance. I prayed to the Gods above no one would recognize me. MY hands were sweating and the shakes seem to get worse as I walked toward the produce section. I stopped to look at the bananas, now there's a fun thought, shaking my head to clear the sexual thoughts I turned only to stop at the cucumbers, but they looked pithy. I was sweating harder now I knew this was NOT what I was supposed to be looking at but I couldn't help it. I had this aching desire that wasn't goin' to stop till it's satisfied by the only one who controls my heart. I shook my head to clear the perverted food thoughts and tripped smashin my shin into a huge pallet.

I stopped breathing about then, as there in the center of the isle was one of those bigass boxes of watermelons. I swallowed hard. I reached out with shaking hands an gently caressed one. It was like touching fire; my hand sizzled at the slightest contact. No I didn't think a watermelon would fit. I looked to the honey-dews, oh yeah that was what I needed. Grabbing two of them I turned to move out of the produce section and on to my next plan of attack. I juggled the melons in my hands stifling a giggle that was rumbling around in my head. I grabbed me a buggy and placed my prize melons in them, right on the seat in front of me where I could keep a watchful eye on them. I looked up and found the sign listing Women's lingerie. I turned my buggy, let out a loud wail, "MOVE IT" as I hurried across the store. I crashed my buggy through the Men's Clothing, cutting between aisles on just two wheels. My destination was getting closer and closer. I could see all the girlie-girlie items from the corner of my eyes as I zeroed in on my target. YES!! Right before me was the rack with all the bras.

OMG, do you know how many different frigging sizes of bras are on one rack? I shook my head in disbelief; where in the hell would I start. Then I remembered, my precious melons were still on the seat in front of me. I eyeballed the bras not wanting to put my hand on any of them. Nope, not a one that I saw hanging on the stands next to me would fit my precious Honey. Looking past the hanging rack of bras I saw a cabinet standing by itself with box after box of bras lined up just staring back at me. I leaned toward the cabinet, being careful not to touch any of the boxes. God, how was I ever going to find the right size if I couldn't even touch a closed box. I reached beside me and picked up a coat hanger. Turning it around I was able to use the hook to move the boxes around. I managed to get one of the boxes turned over and there before me was a list of bra sizes. Well, shoot, that still didn't help this retard. What the heck did I know about C, D, DD, F, and G cups much less 40, 42, 44, 50 and 56. Do you select bras based on women's ages??? Naw, women lie too much about their age so that wouldn't be good criteria. God, I saw no choice but to open each box. I was going to have to actually touch each bra if I was going to get the right size for Honey.

Wait, this past Christmas I did go with her to buy a blouse for a New Year's party. Let me think, it was a 42 - 44 size. Great!! I know have me a starting point but what cup size does she wear? I know it isn't a C cup cause that is what I see hanging on the racks and it is way too small for Honey. Twisting my head around in order not to touch any more than I have to, I noted a 42D, 42DD, 44D and 44DD size bra. I reached out and lifted the first box by grasping just the corner. I repeated the process with each box. When I finished I had four boxes lying beside my honey-dews. Oh God, what was I going to do with them? How was I ever going to get up the nerve to pull out the bra to see which one would fit Honey the best?

I looked around hoping no one was paying attention to my furtive moves. Seeing no one around me, I whirled my buggy and headed quickly into the hardware section of Wal-Mart. Pushing my cart at a rapid clip, I walked down the aisle where plumbing repair parts are. This area is generally a less populated area, leaving me plenty of space to ponder which bra to choose. OK, taking a deep breath, I tentatively reached out and opened the first box labeled 40D. Reaching inside with just two fingers I slowly pulled the material from the box. My breathing had stopped, my fingers shook and I know that I must have been as red as a tomato as the bra fell out of the box. Still holding it with just two fingers, I gave it a quick snap, shaking it out so that I could see the size of the cup. Well dang, one look and I could tell this was not going to be it. Holding the box in my other hand, I crammed the offending bra back into the box, dropping it into the back of the buggy. One down, 3 to go. I quickly eliminated the other bra, 44D for the same reason, cup too small. That left me with a 42DD and a 44DD. If neither of these looked like they would fit, she would just have to wait for another day because there is no way in Hades that I am going back to that rack and pick up any more boxes today.

I decided to take a chance and opened the 44DD lid on the box. Again, I gently lifted the bra from its package and shook it out. Umm, this was certainly looking better. The cups were NICE and well defined, looking much more like my Honey. OK, plan number two to be sure I have the right size. I moved around in front of my buggy and nudged my honey-dews apart. Lifting one up into my hand, vivid images of holding Honey's breast flashed through my mind. My body flushed with a sudden heat. My fingertips tingled and I nearly dropped the round firm melon. I opened my eyes and concentrated on the task at hand. Holding the honey-dew in the palm of my left hand, I slowly maneuvered the cup of the bra over it. OH GOD!!!! The fit was perfect. There nestled in my hand was Honey's breast. EUREKA. I had my bra. Pumping a fist in the air, I let out an excited yell, YES!!!!!!!!! I have never been so ecstatic in my life. I dumped the other 3 boxes right there in the plumbing aisle, inside a displayed toilet and shut the lid on it.

I knew if I didn't make my purchase right now there would no way that I would be able to ride around the store with a bra sitting in my buggy. So running full speed I headed toward the nearest checkout counter. Rounding the corner the honey-dews flipped out of the cart smashing to the newly waxed floor. Green innards slimed the floor, making my feet slip and slid out from under me. I went to the floor with a hard thud, smacking my head against a display. That would leave a mark on my cheek. How would I explain that to her? I got the giggles then, rolling around in slippery slime of the melon. I was sure I looked like an upside down beetle at that point, arms and legs flailing in the air. I finally managed to get my feet under me and it was off to the checkouts. Mission accomplished with the help of my trusty eye and the plumpest of honey-dew, Honey will have her new bra. As I stood in line to pay for my prized possessions I heard an announcement over the loud speakers…" Stock boy to the plumbing isle for clean up of smashed fruit."

Is there a lesson to be learned here? God, I hope so. Next time regardless of how much of a hurry I am in, I WILL take time to unfasten and remove the garments appropriately. No more of this girlie crap for me.


Feed the Boobs...er...I mean Bards……

The End