Pain
by
Shadylady
Disclaimer: No one was
harmed in the writing of this tale. This is simply the ramblings of
an introverted look at life in the wee hours of morning.
Dedication: This is dedicated to all women who may have a
tale parallel to this one. It is dedicated to all the times that
pain is hidden so deep that it is becomes like a raw wound that
never heals. It is to remind us that hope exists even when life is
at its worst.
Feedback welcome:
the_shadylady_629@yahoo.com.
There is loneliness in my heart that cries out for
something that it cannot find. The deep despair resides that leaves an
aching pain constantly nagging, never subsiding. My heart is a black
hole where sadness drifts endlessly, looking but never finding what it
needs to change the black, black darkness to lighter shades of gray.
Tears fail to wash away the clinging bog of desperation when hope no
longer exists or has been swallowed by pain so acute the entire body
aches. Each breath is a reminder that an element is missing that would
make my heart whole.
There is truth that no one ever died of a broken heart, but sometimes
living is worse than death. I go through life living a lie, making
myself look happy and unconcerned, carefree and light spirited but
inside I break more each day. The scars scab over and cover each new rip
in my heart making it stronger but still flawed. I smile to the world
but bleed more inside where only I can feel the constant flow of
emotions that keep sleep at bay and peace in another dimension. My
spirit runs restless, looking for something to ground it to my soul. It
searches constantly for any solace that will give just a moment of
reprieve from the horrendous ache that stays perpetually in my chest.
Time heals all wounds, or does it? A wounded heart or wounded spirit may
lessen over time, but the memories remain poignant, domineering,
crushing to the surface when just an idle thought reminds me I am not
whole.
Yet, I am a resilient entity, which has the internal power to handle
what ever is cast my way. I may not have the means to lift this mantle
of desperation today but tomorrow will always bring new hope. I can
learn to hide my secrets, to push them deep inside of me, and look for
the elements of life that can substitute while I work on bringing
darkness out of the shadows into the rays of light. It is hard to see
hope today, but each passing hour helps heal the agony inside of me and
one day soon, I will know that I have moved on. I will awaken and the
familiar, constant band of pain that squeezes my heart with each breath
will be less tight and the pain not as acute. It will be tolerable. It
will be at that point that I know I can move on, knowing it will always
hurt but also knowing how very much that makes me feel alive. I would
rather have loved once than never loved in my lifetime and for that, I
will always be grateful.
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Copyright © 2003 by Shadylady. All Rights Reserved.