Time
Will Tell
by
Shadylady
Disclaimer:
Sometimes internal pain following failed relationships is so
intense that it nearly overwhelms every moment a person exists. This
is a tale of one of those times.
Feedback welcome:
the_shadylady_629@yahoo.com.
I hurt! I ache!
I cry! I hide! I can't pretend to understand what has happened as my
heart breaks into a million particles. Sleep eludes me and when I do
close my eyes, I see her face. I taste her. I feel her heat. In my mind,
I hear her speaking affectionately to me, promising to love me forever.
She pledged to be with me until the end of time. How can time be so
fleeting?
I never intended to love her, only to befriend her. Somehow, someway,
she burrowed herself into the center of my being. My thoughts were
consumed with her. I raced through my day to be with her uninterrupted
each evening. She drew me tight into her tangled web. Like a wingless
fly, I fell besotted into the trap, unable to pull away. She was a black
widow spider, attracting me by her words of love and commitment. She
gave me promises that made me desire to be with her forever. But like
the deadly spider, she snuffed the life out of me until I became a shell
of my former self.
I ignored old friends and new acquaintances to be alone with her. She
had my full attention, every uncommitted moment of my time. I drew away
from the world, as she became total focus. I lived for her touch, her
words, her smell and her taste. She held my heart locked within her
hands. I have never loved as deeply as I loved her. She became my
obsession, the reason I awakened each day. She was the center of all, my
entire universe.
I had to be with her all the time. She held me close by weaving a false
web of love to hold me tight. I would awaken with her on my mind,
wondering how was she. Did she rest well? Was she okay? Would I hear
from her soon? I'd wait anxiously for her to reach out to me, as I never
knew when or how to reach her first. She was elusive and hard to pin
down. Once I connected with her she would respond to my questions with
false rationalizations as to why she was missing. My time was her time
and her time was unquestionable. Looking back, I see she never made me
her priority.
She knew the words to say that would draw the strongest feelings out of
my soul. Until meeting her, I prided myself in being emotionally strong
and self-sufficient. I lost all confidence with myself during my
relationship with her. Where once I was positive and in control, I got
to where I would cry for no reason. Where once I could see my future
clearly, I grew to see only confusion and fright.
Why was love not enough? Why must absolute total control be associated
with loving someone? Why must I give up all that I am to be loved by one
who professes to love me unconditionally? She sucked me dry and wanted
more. I failed in meeting her emotional needs and desires. She needed so
much more than I was capable of giving. She was destroying me day by day
rather than helping me blossom and grow within my love for her.
Her possessiveness drove me into not telling her the truth when I did
anything without her. I lied about what time I worked as she hounded me
to be with her my every waking minute. She didn't care if talking with
her made me late to work. She didn't care if calls to me during work
interrupted my interactions with customers or my co-workers. She wanted
and needed me to drop everything to focus on her. Because I was so in
love, my judgment became flawed and I vacillated between what I needed
to do to giving in to her obsessive grasp.
I dared not let her know if I spoke to anyone else without her knowing
first who it was. Her jealously frightened me and made me fear the
unreasonable bursts of anger and violence she portrayed all to
frequently. At times it was worse when she would freeze me out of her
life and refuse to talk with me as punishment for some imagined
infraction that I may have done.
In loving her, I became a shadow of myself. In loving her, I became
depressed and withdrawn. In loving her, I became reclusive and
antisocial. In loving her, I lost myself.
Yet one day, I had an abrupt mental awakening. I knew to survive I had
to leave her. My love for her was killing me. I hurt! I ache! I cry! I
hide! But at least, I exist. I have shut her out of my life. I am
working to drive her out of my heart. She will never be out of my mind,
as I want always to remember that love can be used as a deadly
destructive weapon against another person. I want to remember how close
I came to losing myself for eternity. I don't know if my experience with
her is going to scar all future relationships I'll have. I do know that
openness and trust toward someone I could love will be changed forever.
Love cannot be an obsession. It must be given and received freely. It
must be treated as a cherished gift and not as a weapon. Will I ever
love again? Only Time Will Tell.
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Copyright © 2004 by Shadylady. All Rights Reserved