******** Shadylady 

It had been a long hard winter and Judith could barely wait to arrive in Las Vegas to begin a well-needed vacation.  Her best friends, Penelope and McGuire, were going to be in Vegas with her and she could hardly contain her excitement at all three of them being together again.  Judith and McGuire were going to fly out together tomorrow morning with Penelope arriving a short six hours after they landed.  The weekend was going to be a barrel of fun as they had planned this adventure together for weeks. 

Judith found that she should not sleep the night before her flight.  At midnight, she was on the phone talking with McGuire who was taking the same flight as she.  They arranged to hop a taxi together to save some money and to make sure that McGuire was on time since she always ran late.  Judith went over the list of items that McGuire would need to bring with her in order to make the flight.  The tickets were e-tickets and would be waiting at the airport for them the next morning.  After covering last minute details, Judith rang off to go to bed. 

McGuire was too keyed up to sleep.  She lay down and shut her eyes.  The minute she tried to sleep, her eyes popped open and she jumped out of bed.  “Oh my God, I don’t think I put in my underoo’s, shit,” McGuire cussed at herself as she grabbed her backpack and swung it up onto the bed.  Rifling through to the very bottom she finally came across the items in question.  She easily spotted her Spiderman and Hulk underoo’s as well as several other pair.  With a sigh of relief, she stuffed the other clothing back in and tugged the zipper closed once again.  The bag was so tightly filled with several items that McGuire felt she had to have on the trip that she could barely get the bag closed back up.  Again, she tried to sleep but her eyes simply would not close.  She shook her foot constantly until her dog finally got up and laid across her legs to keep her still. 

Near dawn, McGuire fell asleep.  It seemed that she had no sooner closed her eyes then her cell phone was ringing and Judith was whining that she was on the way and for McGuire to be out front waiting on her.   

They arrived at the airport with plenty of time to spare.  Luck was with them as they found out they could get their boarding passes at the curbside luggage depot.  Judith sailed through the line with minimal difficulty and stepped to one side as McGuire moved up to complete her arrangements. 

The porter asked for McGuire’s ID as she slung her backpack up onto the conveyor belt.   McGuire pulled out her bulging wallet scrambling to find a picture ID.  She did not have a driver’s license due to having forgotten to get it renewed in time for the trip.  The only picture ID that McGuire had on her was her membership card to the Ronald McDonald fan club.   

Pulling it out, she argued with the porter that it was a nationally recognized club and should be acceptable for proof of ID.  The line behind McGuire was growing longer while the crowds stood waiting for attention.  The porter looked at the picture and decided it was indeed the woman in front of him so he printed out her ticket and waved her on through the gate. 

McGuire grinned as she walked up and hooked arms with Judith, dragging her along the terminal to the gate where their plane was to depart.   

“See, I told you there was nothing to worry about,” McGuire whispered in an overly loud voice to Judith. 

Passing through the security gate, McGuire had to stop and remove her boots. Looking down she noticed that she had on one white sock and one black sock.  She hoped that no one noticed but then said ‘fuck it why do I care’ and carried her boots in her hands as she walked shoeless to the boarding terminal. 

Judith rolled her eyes, and huffed under her breath, realizing just how close they were to not getting on this flight.  Taking a deep breath she looked over at McGuire and recognized there was no way that she would say anything after seeing how excited McGuire was that they were finally leaving for Vegas.  She closed her mouth and dropped into the nearest chair as she waited for their flight to board.  Judith looked up one time and noted McGuire with her nose pressed against the window as she watched the planes moving in and out of the terminal.  McGuire was so excited she literally shook in her boots as she watched the jets taxiing past the window. 

 

******** Wizz 

Reaching in her backpack McGuire took out her ever-faithful baseball cap. Pulling it down on her head she looked at her reflection in the window and giggled to herself as the propeller began to twirl.  Her ears stuck out to sides making her look like Dumbo the elephant. The rainbow colored beanie cap clashed with her bright orange t-shirt that had “Hooters” scrawled across the front. There was a set of owl eyes on the back.  

Spotting a blonde flight attendant who was sitting in a seat across from them, McGuire smiled and winked at her. The super ball she bounced against the empty seat across from her missed its mark and bounced under the blonde-haired woman’s seat. Dropping to the floor, she crawled across the floor on her hands and knees searching for the ball she had dropped.  

McGuire, not being one to pass up a chance to peak under a skirt, slid completely under the seats as she grabbed the super ball.  She slid out on her back letting her eyes take in the blonde’s pretty pink underwear.  

All at once, Judith spotted what her friend was up to and went to retrieve her from under the chairs. Yanking on McGuire’s protruding ear, Judith set her to howling. The blonde-haired woman was so engrossed in her book of Chinese proverbs she had no clue as to what was going on around her. 

Finally, Judith was thankful for the boarding call for their flight out of town. Sometimes she wondered why she even put up with McGuire’s antics. They had been soul sisters for years and she had learned to deal with the wild child that was McGuire.  

Once seated on the plane, Judith got nestled in and waited for take off. McGuire bounced in her seat bugging the flight attendant for a tour of the cockpit. With a promise from the blonde flight attendant, McGuire settled down a bit and waited for take off. Her leg bounced up and down as she waited for the cocktails they had asked for. Judith reached out slapping her leg, 

“You bounce that leg one more time and I will cut it off and severely beat you with it. Now sit still and keep your hands to yourself.” Judith knew she had to be very direct with McGuire, who spent a lot of time thinking of ways to get around Judith’s directness.

 

******** Shadylady 

The flight wasn’t that long of a flight but it was long enough for McGuire to become bored and come up with ways to terrorize the flight crew.  As the plane taxed along the tarmac, Judith watched out the window.  She was not fond of flying and knew if McGuire ever found out, she would not live it down and be forever harassed. 

The wheels lifted and the jet was airborne.  That was McGuire’s cue to act out.  As the flight attendant moved down the narrow aisle, McGuire slyly snuck out her booted foot and caught the attendant’s foot as he walked by.  Thank goodness, there was another attendant directly in front of that one, breaking his fall as he stumbled uncontrollably forward.  McGuire shut her eyes and acted as if she was sleeping.  The attendant glanced down and gently nudged McGuire’s foot back under her seat. 

Judith sighed again and picked up a magazine.  She shortly became engrossed in reading about all the bizarre gadgets that were for sale.  As the jet banked to her left side, McGuire slammed against her side pressing Judith hard into the side of the plane.   

“Oh excuse me, did I bump you,” McGuire asked in a too sweet voice as she crushed Judith harder into the window. 

“Get your fat ass back over, Maggie,” Judith hissed while staring into McGuire’s eyes.  

“Shit, I done told you to not call me Maggie, JuJu,” McGuire fussed as she pulled herself back up into her seat.   

McGuire picked up her earphones and placed them on her head.  Within minutes, she was entranced in listening to Terri Clark signing directly into her ears.  Judith glanced over at McGuire and let out a breath of relief that she was finally settling down.  She wondered if she should have bought one of those child harnesses to keep up with McGuire while they were in Vegas.  Before long, Judith nodded off as the jet continued on its journey. 

Having slept for a couple of hours, Judith was awakened by the sound of the captain over the intercom.  She looked over at McGuire and giggled.  McGuire’s head was tilted back and her mouth was wide open.  Drool ran from one corner of her mouth and dribbled onto her left breast leaving a large wet spot on her orange tee shirt.  The flight attendant stopped beside their row and gently shook McGuire by the shoulder.   

“FUCK IT! WHAT’S HAPPENING,” McGuire shouted at the top of her voice as she awakened.  “I’VE GONE DEAF.” She continued to yell.  

Judith reached over and pulled the earphones off McGuire’s head.   

“Oh, well shit.  Guess I can hear after all,” McGuire stated sheepishly.  “Damn, I am glad we are nearly there. I got to potty something fierce and there is no way I’m climbing in that sardine can to try to go.” 

“Can’t you behave for one short time?” Judith asked quietly as she gathered up her pocketbook and magazines. 

“Me thinks I did well this whole flight.  Hey Judith, what the hell spilled on my boob while I was resting my eyes?” McGuire asked as she looked down at the dark wet spot on her bright orange shirt. 

“You, brat, just you.  You drooled onto your shirt,” Judith remarked as she looked to see the spot getting larger as it soaked into the material. 

“I don’t drool,” McGuire barked back between clenched teeth. 

As the jet rolled into the terminal, McGuire jumped up and unloaded her packages from the overhead bin.  She refused to move until Judith had stepped out in front of her and then they both got off the jet. 

 

******** Wizz 

After claiming their luggage they headed for the car rental shop. McGuire complained the whole way about the bags Judith had insisted on bringing. 

“Why did you feel the need to pack so many clothes for just a week Judy?”  McGuire whined in her most nasal voice. 

“Keep it up you brat and you will be sleeping with Penny and you know how much she snores.” Judith shot back. 

“You evil wench.  You wouldn’t do that to me, would you?” McGuire raised an eyebrow back at Judith. 

“Hell yes I would.  Now let’s go get our car.” Judith dropped her bags inside the car rental’s waiting room and stepped up to the counter. She showed her confirmation numbers for the car. As the lady explained what type of car the girls would have, McGuire realized the car they would get was no bigger then an AMC Pacer. She turned to Judith trying to catch her attention. Finally she resorted to poking her in the ribs. 

“I am NOT going to fold this 6’4” body into a hatch back to ride around Vegas for a weekend! Do you hear me?” She yelled yanking Judith's shirt to and fro. “You have got to upgrade.”  

“Will you let go of me, and let the woman show us the type of car we would be getting.” Judith slapped at McGuire’s hands. 

McGuire reached out taking the map the woman handed them and opened it up and poked a finger at the Honda civic hatch back car. 

“Right here.  This is what you want me to try to get into.” McGuire once again whined at Judith. 

“Jesus, it’s a Fred Flintstone car!” Judith exclaimed in shock. “This is not the car they confirmed by email that we would be getting. We had a Dodge Intrepid. Why are you showing me this car?”  

By now Judith was upset and ready to let the woman behind the counter have a piece of her mind. 

“I want to speak with your manager.” Judith's face turned redder with each ragged breath she took. “I refuse to take a hatchback when it was confirmed we would be getting a Dodge Intrepid four door. Can you see THAT Amazon in the back seat of a hatchback car no bigger then her left tit?” Judith flicked her thumb in McGuire’s direction behind her.  

The woman looked over at McGuire’s broad back and her eyes bulged at the site of how big she was. McGuire, who by now was blowing her hot breath against the window drawing tic-tac-toe grids, had no clue that Judith was about to blow her lid.  

“Now may I suggest you get your manager out here and let me speak with him, Miss…?” Judith leaned closer to the counter squinting at the poor woman’s nametag. “Miss Rosetteannemay.” Judith quipped as her eyes glared at the woman behind the counter. 

“I am sorry Ma’am but our manager is gone for the day. But I would be more then happy to upgrade you to a Honda four door car with an additional fee of a hundred dollars.” 

By now Judith’s blood pressure was skyrocketing, her temper almost out of control. 

“Alright you psycho hose beast, listen to me one more time…” Judith’s voice took on a high squeaky pitch. 

McGuire, who and given up playing tic-tac-toe and had moved on to smiley faces, spun on her heel to look at Judith. Approaching Judith she rested a hand on her arm lightly, 

“Now, Judith that is not very lady-like of you.” McGuire patted Judith's arm lightly. 

“Don’t you patronize me Maggie I am about to go all southern style on her skanky rear-end.” Judith hissed at her through clenched teeth. 

McGuire pulled her glasses back down over her eyes and stepped back. “Rosey, I would SO hate to be in your shoes about now. I sure feel sorry for you as it’s about to get really bumpy and you’re not wearing a seat belt. She’s all yours, Judith.  Take names and kick some ass.” 

Judith glared back to her friend before her evil light blue eyes pinned the counter girl to her chair, “Now, if you do not find me a full sized car I WILL call the Better Business Bureau as well as the newspapers here in Vegas and let them know what shitty ass service you people give. So find me a bigger car.” 

“Hey Judith?” McGuire called out. 

“WHAT?” Judith huffed 

“Does our car come with those hookers I read about in the brochure?” McGuire held back a fit of giggles at Judith's face. Judith turned ignoring her, so McGuire silently opened Judith’s purse and searched for the tube of lipstick she knew Judith carried. Finding it, she returned to the large window and began drawing stick men with huge dicks. 

The woman behind the counter was now nearly in tears at the tirade Judith had just put her through when she noticed McGuire and the dirty pictures she was drawing in lipstick on the shop’s windows. She began to type on her keyboard as fast as she could.  She wanted these nut cases out of her shop as quickly as she could. 

“Well Mrs.Snuffleupagus, I can upgrade you for free to a Rolls-Royce as long as you take your child out of my shop.” Rosetteannemay snapped as she pointed to McGuire and the nasty drawings taking shape on the window. 

“My WHAT?” Judith screeched, looking across the room at what her best friend was up too now.  “MAGGIE, let’s go. We got us a nice cruiser.”  

Judith signed the papers, grabbed her bags, and yelled over shoulder on her way out the door, “McGuire Madge Macaroonie, get the led out of your ass and let’s go!” 

“BUT I DIDN’T GET TO DRAW ANY BABOONS!” McGuire yelled as she scooped up the rest of the bags Judith left behind and ran out the door. McGuire skidded to a halt when she spotted the fancy car they would be driving. It was a fully loaded black Rolls Royce, with a sunroof, fuzzy dice hanging off the review mirror, black tinted windows, and gold trimmed wheels. 

“OH MY GOD JUDITH… we got us a pimpmobile.” McGuire jumped up and down in excitement. McGuire grabbed the keys from the car attendant and popped open the trunk shoving her and Judith's bag in before turning to run to the driver’s side. 

“Fasten your seat belt Judy.  It’s about to be a wild ride to the hotel,” McGuire yelled as she started the car and gunned the engine.  She screeched out of the parking lot, covering the attendant with gravel and mud. Slamming on her brakes, she slowly backed up to let Judith get in the car. 

 

******** Shadylady  

Judith snatched open the passenger door and hopped headfirst into the car as McGuire once again peeled out of the parking lot with a squeal of tires on the black tarmac.  Judith fumbled with her seatbelt while she tried to regain her balance as McGuire swerved side to side, narrowly missing cars in her hurry.  Judith thought to herself, “Why the hell is she in such a damn hurry since we don’t even know where we are going?” 

“Hey, Maggie, what did you do with the map you picked up off the counter?”  Judith asked as she looked around in the front of the car. 

“Ummm, well, I think I may have crumpled it up and left it on the floor. Will you damn well quit calling me Maggie for the hundredth time,” McGuire answered as she blew the horn at the car turning in front of them. “Damn Vegas drivers.” 

“McGuire, you did bring your license didn’t you?” Judith asked meekly as she held onto the “ole holy shit” handle while McGuire continued to drive like a bat out of hell. 

“Gawd damn it, I knew she would want to know that,” thought McGuire to herself.  Thinking fast she ran over the cards in her billfold.  Suddenly she remembered that she had her dog handler’s license with her.  “Yeah, Judith, I gots me license in my billfold,” she replied as she quickly sought to change the subject. 

“Hang on Judy, you tootie fruitie, I need a milkshake afore we get to the hotel.”  McGuire cut across the four lanes of traffic, ignoring the blaring horns and squealing brakes as she peeled into the McDonald’s parking lot.   

“What do you want, Judy my dear?” McGuire asked after she placed her order for a large fry, large milkshake, chicken Mac nuggets, and a large iced tea.   

Judith, a little car sick from all the swerving that was taking place, asked for just a medium glass of water.  She wondered how in the world McGuire could possible eat so much food and stay slender as a rail.  McGuire handed the bags to Judith, knowing Judith would take care in setting everything up for her to get easily.  This was a familiar routine to both of them and required no additional planning.   

As McGuire drove back out onto the road, Judith opened the glove compartment and happened to find a city map.  Laying it out on her lap, she located the area of town where their hotel was located.  While McGuire continued to stuff food into her mouth, Judith gave instructions on which turns to make.  

At the next red light, McGuire remarked to Judith, “How the fuck can you read that sissy assed map is beyond me.” Leaning toward Judith, she tried to see where they were but the symbols and small lettering made it impossible for her to tell anything.  She would simply trust Judith to get them to the hotel without incident.  

Making only one u-turn in the middle of town, Judith and McGuire pulled into the hotel where their reservations had been made weeks before their arrival.  It was an older building and not at all what the brochure indicated but it did appear to be kept clean and in good condition.  There were bright lights everywhere with signs stating “Free Food While You Gamble.”   

McGuire smacked her lips loudly as she looked at the steak and lobster displayed on the signs.  McGuire felt like she was entering hog heaven with all the food that would be surrounding her.  Judith in the meantime had the opposite feeling as her chest already began to ache with indigestion and she had yet to eat anything. 

McGuire whipped the Rolls into a space right in front of the entrance.  Judith pointed out that it stated reserved for drop off only.   

“Well, we are both a little ‘off’ don’t you think”, smirked McGuire as she moved to get out of the car.  

“I guess so,” Judith said as she grabbed her pocketbook and followed McGuire.  The registration desk was quiet as both women moved toward it, their eyes widening in awe at the number of slot machines lining the corridor to the front desk.  Judith stepped up to the counter to await the clerk’s attention.  Several minutes passed as the clerk continued to talk with the busboy at the end of the counter.  McGuire was impatient to get settled in so that she and Judith could make their way back across town at noon to pick up Penelope when her flight arrived.  She stood to her entire imposing height of five feet six inches, placed two fingers to her lips and let loose with a whistle loud enough to shake every one of the front plate glass windows.  Heads turned as the whistle began to taper off.   

The desk clerk jumped at least three feet into the air.  She turned and made her way back toward Judith. 

“May I help you?” the clerk asked as she came to a stop directly in front of Judith. 

“Yes, please.  I have reservations for two adjoining rooms.  The name is Snuffleupagus,” Judith rejoined. 

“Hum, let me see.  Yes, two rooms adjacent to each other on the ninth floor,” the clerk replied as she looked at her computer screen trying hard not to laugh at Judith’s last name. 

“No, not adjacent rooms; adjoining rooms or a suite,” Judith came back.   

“Oh no, you must be mistaken,” the clerk said in a snappy tone of voice as she began to fill out the paperwork. 

“No, I believe that you are mistaken,” replied Judith as she pulled out her reservation confirmation to hand to the clerk. 

“Ah, yes, pardon me.  There does seem to be a mistake somewhere.  I have two adjacent rooms but not any adjoining rooms, will that do?”  The clerk asked. 

“NO! We need to have adjoining rooms and that is why I prepaid my reservation fees,” Judith answered in a now agitated tone of voice.  “Does this whole town have difficulty in following through on their commitments,” she said aloud to the room.   

McGuire looked over at Judith and quirked her eyebrow upward, “Now, Judy, don’t you go starting that talking to yourself routine or they will cart your ass off to the funny farm.” 

“Oh hush up, Maggie,” Judith replied.  “I want adjoining rooms or a suite of rooms just as I prepaid.  Nothing else will be satisfactory.” 

“Well, Ms. Snuffleupagus.  There seems to be a problem here, doesn’t there?” The clerk said in a smartass tone. 

“Oh no, not again,” huffed McGuire as she watched Judith turning redder while her anger rose.   

“I want to see the manager,” Judith demanded.  “I have had it just about up to here,” she said as she slashed her hand across the front of her neck.  “I mean five minutes ago, not ten minutes from now either.” 

The clerk turned and walked to the back of the room where she roused the manager from his office.  He took one look at Judith and McGuire and realized that he needed to settle this quietly or a scene would be taking place. 

As he walked up to Judith, he did the only thing he knew to appease the situation.  “Ms. Snuffleupagus.  It seems we have made a grievous error in your reservation.  On behalf of the hotel, we would like to place you into the Penthouse for the entire time that you and your companions are here with us.  It will be at no additional cost to you or your friends since the error was ours.  Is that satisfactory?” The manager asked as he leaned against the counter. 

Nearly speechless for once in her life, McGuire reached out and pinched Judith on the arm to get her to answer. 

“Ouch…uhhh…yes. Yes. That is more than satisfactory.  Thank you.”  Judith said in a stumbling voice. 

“Good.  We hope you and your companions enjoy your visit to Vegas and your stay with us,” he finished as he reached out and shook hands with both McGuire and Judith. 

“The porter will see to your luggage and all arrangements with be taken care of for you.  I am sure you would like to go on up and settle in.”  With that, he turned and walked back toward his office. 

Judith could only mumble under her breath as McGuire grabbed her by the arm dragging her and the porter to the Rolls to retrieve their luggage. 

The penthouse was unbelievable.  McGuire and Judith could not believe their eyes or their luck.  The rooms were huge.  There were two bedrooms, one on either side of the common living room.  Each bedroom had two large king size beds.  There were TV’s, DVD players, full stereos, and a wet bar with refrigerator in each bedroom.  The living room held a fifty-two inch flat screen television and a DVD movie assembly for a complement of entertainment features.  The balcony housed a covered hot tub as well as a wet bar right next to the tub.

The bathrooms had 360-degree surround showers so that no matter what way they stood, the spray would massage their bodies.  There were complementary computers and Sony PS2 play stations to help pass time when not gamboling.  At the bar was a one armed bandit to whet the guest’s appetite for more gamboling. 

McGuire walked behind the bar and let out a loud whoop.  The bar was fully stocked.  She found Tequila, Windsor, Tanquery Gin, Bacardi Rum 151 and a large assortment of mixers.  Her eyes glazed as she thought of the enjoyment she was going to have finally trying to drink Judith under the bar. 

Judith threw her bags into one of the rooms and finally convinced McGuire to move her bulging backpack into one of the other rooms.  Judith looked at her watch and hollered at McGuire who was out on the balcony twirling her fingers around in the hot tub. 

“Maggie, get your ass in gear.  We have to leave now if we are going to get to the airport to meet Skank Penelope on time.  I still don’t know why her delicate ass couldn’t get up at the same time we did. She could just as easily have flown out with us and we would not be chasing all over town trying to find her.” Judith grumbled aloud as she herded McGuire out of the room. 

“Quit your pushing, I’m moving,” McGuire said as she glanced one last time over her shoulder at the rooms they were using. 

 

******** Wizz 

As they drove out of the parking lot Judith noticed the welcome sign in front of the hotel. Reading it out loud she shook her head, 

“Welcome P.E.T.A Convention.”   

McGuire began to cackle at the thought of that type of convention being housed in the same hotel as them. 

“McGuire you do realize what P.E.T.A. stands for don’t you?”  

McGuire tried to control her fit of laughter as she turned to look at Judith. 

“I heard tell it stands for People Eating Tasty Animals. At least that’s what Penelope done told me. Look at it this way Judy we wont go hungry ifin we loose all your money in the slot machines!” 

“Shit, we are in trouble then. If that’s what you think it stands for. And for the love of the Goddess’s stop calling me Judy, Maggie!”   

“Then what’s it stand for?” McGuire turned to look at her passenger. 

“Keep your eyes on the road Einstein, and it stands for ‘People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’.” Judith realized she had lost McGuire with the big words by the scrunched up look on her face. 

“So what your saying is there’s no buffet, no free food? It’s about eating veggies only the shit rabbits would eat? That sucks.” McGuire focused on driving them to the airport in silence. 

They agreed to meet Penelope at the baggage claim due to the heavy security. While they waited Judith explained to McGuire in laymen’s terms what the convention gathered in their hotel was about.  All at once there was a loud ear-piercing screech. 

“Penelope has arrived.” McGuire said as she stood up to spot her in the crowded airport.  McGuire's eyes nearly popped out of her head when she spotted Penelope. 

Penelope rode the escalator down in grand fashion. She was wrapped in a calico fur-lined short leather cowhide jacket, florescent pink hot pants, and a red and purple blouse that looked more like a jacket with enough cleavage showing to make it look like the grand canyons. Her black lacey bra could be seen between the cracks of the buttons of the shirt as she swung her arms in the air waving wildly at her friends. The white go-go boots rose to the top of her kneecaps and fishnet hose covered the last few inches where the coat ended.  

A white straw hat with yellow and black headed pansies decorated the fake fur strip that ran around the brim of the hat which sat crooked on her bouffant hairdo. What hair could be seen was fire engine red and twisted up into a frizzy mess of curls. Her makeup ran down her face as tears once again formed when she spotted her friends. 

Spotting McGuire, Penelope launched herself in her arms, wailing about how she had to sit between a two year old kid and a sweaty fat man. 

“Now Penny it couldn’t have been that bad.” McGuire reached down and patted her on the back. “By the way nice perfume but must you marinate in it? You smell like a French whore house!” McGuire crossed her eyes at Judith, who had not been spotted by Penelope.  She was standing back laughing at how McGuire, who hated any kind of close contact, comforted their dear friend. 

“I knew you wouldn’t understand Mac. You have no sympathy for anyone. And stop calling me Penny.” 

“Penny, my dear, sympathy is in the dictionary between suicide and a bad case of syphilis.  Look it up sometime.” McGuire smarted back as she let go of Penelope and spun her around so she could see Judith. 

Penelope reached out and grabbed Judith by the shirt pulling her short frame into her arms for a hug. 

“Judy, explain to this numbskull how I feel about small dogs and children. I so do not have time to have a battle of wits with her. Let’s get our luggage and get out of here.” She guided Judith down the hallway to the turnstile where her many suitcases awaited.  

McGuire walked behind them watching the shapely legs of Penelope sashay down the isle. She let out a low wolfish whistle. 

After gathering Penelope’s bags they headed back to their hotel.  Once again, McGuire was at the wheel. Judith clung to the holy shit handle as Penelope slid back and forth across the back seat. McGuire spotted a 7-11 Quick Mart and crossed several lanes of traffic without even looking, pulling into the parking lot on just two wheels. 

“McGuire what in hell are you trying to do? Get us killed on our first night here?” Penelope wailed from the back floorboards as she was slammed to the floor when the car came back down on all four wheels. 

“I need some candy and soda pop for my room. You all need anything?” McGuire looked over at Judith, who immediately recognized the devilish gleam on her face. McGuire sprung from the pimpmobile and headed for the front door before either of her friends could even open their doors. 

“Judith for Gods sakes don’t let her buy any candy. That’s all she needs, a sugar high in Vegas!” Penelope shouted as they sprang from the car and bolted after McGuire. 

McGuire grabbed a mini basket and began her shopping.  After several bottles of her favorite flavored water and twelve Baby Ruth Candy bars, a few blue razzmatazz suckers, a box of Alka-Seltzer’s and a bottle of Dawn Dish Soap she turned to head to the check out. On her way she spotted a fluffy stuffed black kitty.  She added that to her basket. She then added two super sized bags of balloons as she continued to the cashier. Getting closer to the checkout she spotted one last item, a large ball of clothesline rope. 

Judith waited in line behind her and was puzzled about the items in McGuire's basket. 

“Maggie what’s the stuffed cat for?” 

“I don’t like sleeping alone.” McGuire answered a little too quickly. 

“Then what’s the rope for?” Judith raised her eyebrow in question. 

“So he don’t get away while I’m sleeping.” McGuire had all she could do not to smile at the things she was buying. 

“Then tell me my dear, what are the balloons for?” Judith was adding two and two together and she knew McGuire was up to something. 

“Those are condoms for Penelope. You know how she’s never prepared for things.” 

“You honestly expect me to believe you Maggie?” Judith asked. 

“Yeahup, I do.” McGuire quickly paid for her things and waited for Judith and Penelope. Once back in the car McGuire popped a sucker in her mouth and started the car.  She slowly pulled out onto the street to their hotel. 

McGuire parked the car in front of the lobby, tossed the keys to the attendant, and rushed for the elevators. Not waiting for the rest of them, she jumped up and down in the elevator ride to her room chanting over and over.  

“I gotta peeeeee. Ole nature bitch is screaming to be let loose.” McGuire danced around inside the tiny space, stepping on people’s toes as she impatiently rode to the penthouse suite. 

 

******** Shadylady 

Reaching their floor, McGuire dashed off the elevator, making a mad run to the door of the penthouse only to realize she did not have a key card to let herself into the room. 

“Well shit.  I am about to fuckin bust.”  McGuire stated aloud as she crossed her legs and looked around.  She spotted one door open further down the hall where the maid was cleaning another room.  Slinging her bags down against the penthouse door, McGuire rushed rapidly down the hall with her hand held between her legs. 

“BATHROOM INSPECTION,” McGuire yelled out as she dashed madly into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.  She could feel herself beginning to trickle as she struggled to get her jeans down.   

“OH, Christ, God Almighty, that feels good,” McGuire said aloud as she let loose in the commode.  “AHHhhhhhhhhh…….” 

McGuire was finished in no time at all.  Standing up she flushed the commode, jiggled the handle loudly, stepped over and ran the shower, and finally turned to the sink where she washed her hands.  She could not find a towel so she reached out and dried her hands on the fancy shower curtain hanging in front of her.  She left huge dark wet spots on the midnight blue curtain.   

Snatching open the door, she startled the maid who was still standing at the foot of the bed with the spread gathered up in her arms.  McGuire sauntered over to the exit door, stating as she left, “Everything is working fine as a fish in a kettle of hot grease.  Only thing I could see is that fancy blue shower curtain seems to have wet spots on it already.  Think you can switch it out?” 

The maid stared in astonishment as McGuire began whistling and walked out of the room.  As McGuire neared their room, Penelope and Judith were just coming off the elevator. 

”Well, hells bells, what has been keeping you two?” McGuire asked as she once again reached down and gathered up the loot she had bought for herself.  “I thought I was going to have to kick the door down.” 

Judith looked down the hallway and saw one of the maids peeking out of an empty room.  She knew in her heart that McGuire must have been up to something in the short time they were all separated.  Opening the door, Judith stepped back to grab one of the many suitcases Penelope and the porter were carrying. 

McGuire brushed past them all and headed to the room she had elected to use while they were in town.  As she veered toward the left she called back over her shoulder, “Henny Penny, Tooty Fruity Judy claimed you to sleep ‘n the room with her.  I gots to spread out my junk.. err clothes so’s I can see what to wear around town.  Figured you two ladies would do better spreading that makeup shit around with me outta the way.” 

“Come on Penelope, our room is this way,” Judith said as she walked in the opposite direction of McGuire.  Penelope followed with her mouth gaping open.  She had never seen such an opulent room in her life, much less ever expected to be in one.  She dropped the bag she was carrying and dragged it by the strap toward the room in which Judith had disappeared.  Stepping into the bedroom, Penelope was again shocked by the sights.  There were two king sized beds in this room alone.  Judith had taken the one nearest the balcony, which left the near bed for her.  She hoisted her bag up onto the bed as the porter set the rest of them in the room.   

The porter took a few steps back and held out his hand.  McGuire walked up at the same time and dropped the paper from her Razzmatazz sucker into his hand.  He looked down, shook his head, turned and left the penthouse. 

“Shut your mouth Penny or you’ll be catching flies.” McGuire stated as she jumped onto the bed Judith had chosen and preceded to bounce up and down.  Covers bounced with her as they came un-tucked.  The pillows bounced off onto the floor as she jumped higher and higher just to see if she could make her entire body bounce off the bed at one time.  Judith reached out and clapped both hands down on top of McGuire, stopping her bouncing.   

“Hey, Maggie, this is my bed and if you don’t want to find yourself sleeping in a broken bed, you better stop your jumping around on the one that I am sleeping in.”  Judith stated quietly as McGuire stared up at her with her eyes crossed and her blue tongue hanging out. 

“How did we manage to afford this…this…?” Penelope was at a loss for words as she spun slowly in a circle looking around the room. 

“Some dumb ass fucked up on the reservation, Judy threw a fit, and the manager carted our asses off before we scared off any more customers,” McGuire answered before Judith could begin. 

“Can we afford this,” Penelope began again.   

“Don’t worry, Penny.  It has all been taken care of by the hotel.  We still have to pay what we originally agreed upon but the hotel is covering the rest of it.  Isn’t it fucking unbelievable?” Judith said as she too sat down on the edge of the bed.  

“Hey Skinny Penny, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” McGuire stated as she jumped up, grabbed Penelope by the arm and pulled her back into the common living room. 

McGuire marched her around the room as she showed her the games, TV’s, stereos, DVD players, the wet bar and finally drug her over to the balcony. 

“Wait till you see this, Minny Penny.”  McGuire began.   

“Will you stop your ass from adding all that shit to my name.  If you can’t call me Penelope, don’t call me anything,” Penelope stated in a huff. 

“Okie Dokie, Peee….nelll…. lopppe….. peeee., you got it, hair lip,” McGuire replied as she flung open the balcony door and drug Penelope out onto the balcony. 

“Well, hot snot and booger balls, will you look at this, a pool on the balcony just for us.” Penelope said in astonishment as she walked over to look at the hot tub. 

Judith walked out the door as McGuire was leaning over the balcony, dropping spit balls onto people walking below.  She was leaning so far over that Judith feared she was going to fall.  She walked quietly up behind her, hooked onto the back of her jeans and pulled her back onto the balcony. 

“See anything good while you were hanging over?”  Judith asked her. 

“Yeah, there is a fuckin PETA group right below us.  I saw their marching signs stacked up in the corner whiles I was lookin around.”  McGuire answered as she turned to see Penelope splashing her fingers in the hot tub. 

“Hey guys, I’m starving.  We gonna stay in here and ooh and ahh all night long or we gonna go get some grub?”  McGuire asked as her stomach let loose a loud grumble.  

 

******** Wizz  

McGuire yanked open the door and peaked out into the hallway to see if the maid had left their floor. Not seeing anyone, she picked up her backpack and looked back to see if her friends were getting ready for dinner. Stepping outside, she let the door close behind her.  She reached into her backpack and pulled out the stuffed kitty she had purchased earlier.  She tied a noose around its neck. Leaving an extra long rope attached, she tied the kitty to her backpack and let it hang from the pack. She shoved the rest of the cord into the backpack pocket as she pulled the straps up over her shoulders. Standing with her back tight up against the elevator wall, she watched as Penelope and Judith came out of the room to join her on the elevator. McGuire noticed Penelope’s outfit. She lowered her eyes to the black platform boots that encased Penelope’s calves and over to the bright stainless steel buckle glimmering in the light of the elevator’s overhead light. The nylon stockings were fishnet and black to match the boots. As McGuire's eyes traveled up the shapely legs, she noticed the lime florescent green form-hugging dress. Leaning closer, McGuire traced the webbed pattern with her index finger. 

Penelope jumped as she felt something running up the crack of her ass.  She spun on her heel and smacked McGuire on the top of her head. 

“What the hell you doing, you retard!” Penelope snarled at McGuire. 

Standing up McGuire ran her finger across the web pattern again and began poking the weird design. 

“Trying to figure out what the hell is all over your dress.” She replied poking the center of the web again with her finger. 

“You poke me in the boobs one more time Maddy and I will kick your last remaining white trash tooth right out of your head.”

”What the hell is that little thing in the center of the web?” McGuire poked the center web again and again. 

“It’s a scull and cross bones you dipshit, now get your hands off my chest. I mean it, McGuire, one more time and I will...” Penelope jumped as a finger jabbed her again in the chest. 

“You'll what Minny Penny?” McGuire poked her in the boob with each word she spoke. “Hell.  I was goin to compliment ya on how nice you look it that lime-ass green ‘stuffed like a sausage’ dress. But now you can kiss my lily white ass!” McGuire turned to look at Judith who had remained silent as they discussed the putrid dress Penelope wore.  

“I swear Mac someday someone’s going to give you back what you’ve been giving and I hope that I’m around to watch them knock you down a few pegs!” Penelope huffed into McGuire's face. 

McGuire reached into her front jeans pocket and pulled out a small packet and opened it. 

“Breath mint, Skinny Penny?” McGuire grinned sweetly at Penelope and stifled a laugh as Judith broke out into a full gale of laughter. 

The elevator doors opened and the three women walked out into the bright lights of the casino. The lights blinded McGuire so she reached up and pulled her sunglasses down.  She followed Judith and Penelope deeper into the casino.  The choking pussycat dangled along with each step McGuire took. 

Penelope burst into laughter as she saw the tail of the cat swing side to side behind McGuire’s back. 

“Scank, let’s see who’s laughing when I get enough to pay for dinner,” McGuire replied as she turned and eyeballed the Blackjack tables.

 

******** Shadylady  

The noise in the casino was unbelievable but very intoxicating.  The jingle of coins and clanging of bells and whistles blasting called to each of the women.  They paused at the entry to the casino and looked across the lobby to the dining room.  Without a spoken word, they each nodded slightly and turned to go into the casino.   

Judith reached into her pocketbook and pulled out a handful of dollar bills.  She rushed to the glassed counter to change her bills to coins.  She loved the slots and felt in her heart that tonight was to be her lucky night.  Getting her bucket of coins, Judith elbowed her way back toward McGuire and Penelope who were still standing near the entry looking around the room.  She quickly told them she would be sitting at one of the slot machines whenever they were ready to leave.  She no sooner got the words out then she twirled around and rushed toward the brightly lit one-armed bandits.  McGuire and Penelope looked at one another and shrugged, knowing how hopeless it was to expect to be able to go to dinner within the hour. 

“Guess I’ll mosey over to one of the Blackjack tables,” McGuire remarked to Penelope.   

“So true, I forgot you could only count to twenty-one,” Penelope stated as she looked for the poker arena. 

Penelope watched McGuire retreating and burst into laughter again as she noted the hanging cat dangling from her backpack.  Leave it to Maggy to taunt PETA members.  Damn if she isn’t as bad as me, she remarked to herself as she headed in the opposite direction.  She knew that she had to play carefully and hoped lady luck was with her tonight. She wanted to beat the pants off McGuire’s claim to win more than she would. 

Near the entry to the casino, Judith was feeding the slots as fast as she could grab up the coins. She was winning about every tenth pull of the handle and knew that the big jackpot was going to occur with the next pull.  After all, she was sitting at slot number thirteen and that just happened to be her lucky number.  Looking into her bucket of coins, she noted she had used them all up.   

She rose to go get another sheath of coins but noted a purple haired old woman with a walker and oxygen cylinder standing directly behind her, waiting to take over her machine.  Judith nonchalantly stretched and took her seat again.  She would be danged if she gave up her machine just when it was getting ready to pay off she thought to herself.   

Judith picked up her pocketbook and fumbled inside, pulling out her credit card.  She grinned with glee as she slid her credit card into the pay slot and started feeding the demon once again.  The rollers clanked and clinked, as she pulled hard on the handle.  She just knew the next pull would give her the jackpot.  Judith could smell the old woman’s mentholated rub she used as the woman slowly crept closer to watch her play. 

Meanwhile, McGuire was cussing up a storm.  She had won over five hundred dollars only to watch it dwindle into a minus fifty dollars.  She finally gave up, stood and stretched.  Her stomach let out a loud rumble, shaking everything around her as she realized she was slowly starving to death.  She looked around the room and spotted Penelope sitting at one of the poker tables near the back of the room.  McGuire grabbed a diet coke off the tray being held over the cocktail server’s head as she made her way through the thick crowds.  Reaching behind her back, McGuire grasped the hanging cat and started swinging it in a circle as she made her way toward Penelope.   

“Well damn,” McGuire remarked as she looked at the stack of chips in front of Penelope. “I can’t believe ‘shit for brains’ has made money tonight.  Wait, why should I care? She can buy dinner.” McGuire said aloud to no one in particular as she continued swinging her cat around beside her. 

“Hey Pen..nope..pol..ly, you ready for chow?”  McGuire asked as she sauntered to stand behind Penelope.  “What cha doing with those three men in your hand?”  She asked as she listened to the dealer calling out the show cards.   

“Well fuck.  God damn it Magpie.  I fold.  Here, can I get a voucher for my chips?” Penelope said as she turned toward the dealer.  “There is no way in hell that I can play with HER standing behind my back,” she stated while pointing with her thumb to the not so innocent looking McGuire who continued grinning and swinging her cat.   

McGuire had already knocked a tray of drinks from the server’s hand. As she stood waiting on Penelope, she called out “here pussy, pussy, come to mama” as she looked down at the server picking up the spilled glasses. 

“OK, Brat, you satisfied. I’m done, just when I was winning.”  Penelope replied as she rose from her chair.   

“Hell yeah.  I’m hungry as a maggot on a gut wagon. Since you won, you have to buy.”  McGuire stated as she waited for Penny to move away from the table. 

“How long you gonna twirl that damn cat in a circle?”  Penelope asked as she dodged one vicious swing to her head. 

“Bait, Henny Penny.  I am seeing how many of them ladies I can get to cuss my ass out.  Got to have some fun.”  McGuire replied. 

“Where’s Judith?” Penelope asked as she looked quickly in the area immediately around them.  

“Guess she is still feeding all her money to one of those one arm out houses,” McGuire answered as she looked cross-eyed and stuck her tongue out at two women pointing to her cat and whispering behind their hands. 

“Let’s go get her, I am starving to death,” Penelope replied.   

As they walked to the front, they could see Judith sitting over one of the machines.  McGuire slowly snuck up behind Judith and hollered, “DOING?” at the top of her voice. 

Judith lost her balance and fell off the stool she had been sitting on.  McGuire looked at the machine and noted Judith had slipped in her charge card.   

“Damn, woman.  You’re gonna be broke if you keep this up,” she stated as she leaned over and pulled the card out of the slot. 

“NO….” groaned Judith as she watched the totals on her machine roll back to zero.  “Why the heck are you messing with my machine?  I just know the next pull is going to be the jackpot.” 

“I bet you been saying that every pull for the past hour.  Hadn’t ya, huh, huh,” McGuire said as she bumped her hip against Judith each time she said ‘huh’. 

Penelope walked over and looped her arm with Judith on the opposite side of McGuire.  “Come on Judy.  I am starving to death.  Hell, I’ll even buy tonight.  I won six hundred bucks.” 

“NO, I CAN’T LEAVE. NOT YET!” Judith demanded aggressively.  As she stood arguing with Penelope and McGuire, the little old woman that had been hovering over Judith quickly pushed the stool aside and wheeled her chair in front of Slot number thirteen.  She fed three coins into the machine, pulled the handle and waited.  Within seconds, the alarms roared to life on machine thirteen as the jackpot rolled into view.  The woman clutched her chest and waited as four different attendants ran toward her while the voucher spit from the machine. 

“GOD…DAMN…SON…OF…A…BITCH. That was my jackpot you two shit for brains.  Now look what you made happen.”  Judith turned angrily and stomped out of the casino.  She didn’t stop until she reached the far side of the lobby. 

McGuire and Penelope looked at one another and couldn’t help the burst of laughter that resulted from the language they heard burst from Miss Prissy herself. 

Nodding at one another, they marched over to Judith and hooked arms once more with her.  Moving together as a trio, they pulled a reluctant Judith toward the restaurant.  McGuire’s stomach rumbled again as she smelled the odor of cooking meat the closer they got to the room. 

The Maitre d’ escorted them to a table.  He walked from woman to woman, holding out their chair to seat them at the table.   

McGuire stopped and glared him down, “What the fuck are you doing?  You think I am too weak to pull my own chair up to the table.  Thanks but no thanks; I don’t need no man pushing me around.”  She hooked her foot around the leg of the chair as in one move she quickly sat down and bumped the chair closer to the table.   

“And don’t you dare try to lay that baby diaper cross my lap unless you want your arm broken,” she glared at him thru her mirrored shades, hoping he would take the hint and leave her alone.  He was not a dumb cookie by any means as he held up both hands and backed up. 

“OK.  Where’s the fucking menu, I could eat an elephant,” McGuire blurted as she slurped down her glass of ice water. 

A server approached their table cautiously holding out a menu for each of the women.  Judith and Penelope took theirs without saying a word. McGuire flipped hers open and in a loud voice called the server back, “There ain’t no fucking prices in here.  How the hell am I going to know what to order?”

“Darling, if you have to ask, you shouldn’t be eating here anyway,” lisped the nellie old queen still lingering at the table waiting on their orders. 

“OK, what would you recommend?” Judith asked carefully. 

“Oh babe, you just have to have the steak and four pound Australian lobster tail.  The taste is just to die for,” he droned in his girlish voice.  Flipping his wrist, he also pointed out that the asparagus and spinach vegetable would taste good with the lobster.   

Judith’s mouth fell open as she listened to him describe the tremendous portions of food on the menu.  “Is there not a smaller portion,” she asked quietly as she tried to image eating that much this late at night.   

“Well, of course, my dear,” he snorkeled as he listed a blackened chicken breast, linguini and several other bland foods.  Judith realized she might as well face the situation and order a steak.  The human garbage disposal, McGuire, would eat anything she had left over anyway. 

As they waited on their meal to be brought to them, Judith refused to talk to either of them.  She was still angry over missing the large winnings from the machine she had fed all night long.   

McGuire glared deep in thought as she ran several plots through her head to get Judith to talk to her.  As she thought, she instinctively twirled her pussycat round and round.  Its tail managed to pass through the whip cream on the strawberry shortcake on the table directly behind her.  With the next swing through the air, a large glob of whip cream flew through the air to land with a wet plop on the back of a man’s head two tables away from them.   

McGuire quickly stuffed her kitty into her backpack and turned back to the table as if she had no knowledge of any of the commotion that was occurring in the dining area.  She watched innocently as several servers rushed to help the man whose hair was coated with a white layer of sticky cream. 

Judith started to speak but again could only open and close her mouth like a dying fish out of water as three porters carried their meal to the table.  The steaks were large enough to completely cover a nine-inch plate.  The lobster tail looked to be the size of a small cat lying filleted on a platter of its own.  The two different vegetables were enough to feed six people instead of three. 

Judith and Penelope groaned as already their stomachs ached from just looking at the food.  McGuire was in hog heaven as the dishes piled up around her. She picked up her ‘diaper’ and proceeded to tuck it under the neck of her polo shirt.   

Judith looked over at her. McGuire said, “WHATTTTTTT” and continued setting the meal up around her.  Silence prevailed for at least thirty minutes as McGuire steadily chewed her way through all four pounds of lobster, her steak and half of Judith’s and all the asparagus on the table.  Finally, she rocked back in her chair, letting out a burp loud enough to shake the glass lampshades on the lights hanging over their tables.  Penelope and Judith shook their heads helplessly as Judith signaled to the server.   

“Check please” she stated as he asked was there anything else they needed.  

McGuire piped up, “You betcha big boy.  Can you make me a doggie bag and send it up to our room?  Just dump anything that looks like it can be eaten into it.  An don’t forget the fucking bread either.” 

Judith picked up the check and nearly passed out.  Their quiet little meal was just under five hundred dollars.  My God, I don’t buy that much food in six months she thought to herself. 

“Don’t get yur panties in a wad, Tootie Judy.  Shenny Penny is gonna pay.  She promised if she won, supper would be on her.” McGuire reached out snatched the bill out of Judith’s hand and slapped it down in front of Penelope. 

“A bargain is a bargain,” Penelope answered calmly while seething inside.  I’ll get her one of these days she said to herself as she shot pointed daggers in McGuire’s direction. 

Slapping the palms of her hands flat on the table and making everyone around jump at the noise, McGuire stated in a loud voice, 

 “OK ladies. Get yur asses in gear.  I gots to walk off some of this food unless you want to enjoy it in our room later tonight.” 

“Nope.  You get rid of that gas right now before we go back up to our rooms,” Judith replied when she realized what McGuire was talking about. 

“OK then let’s hit the strip and take a little stroll.”  McGuire stood, turned and waited as Judith and Penelope followed her out of the hotel. 

 

******** Wizz 

As they exited the casino, Penelope realized she was not dressed to be out in such a public place, she turned to Judith and made an excuse that she had forgotten to take her pills. With that she disappeared back into the “You Snooze You Lose Hotel and Casino” while McGuire shook her head in frustration. 

“Jesus, Pooddy Juddy we will be here till hell freezes over ‘fore she comes back.” McGuire whined as she lit up a cherry flavored cigar. Puffing on it hard she blew the smoke over at Judith nonchalantly.  She hid her smile as Judith choked and moved farther away, with each step she took to move away McGuire moved closer.  

As McGuire took the last puff of the cigar she spotted Penelope returning from her quick trip to their suite. She choked and began to gag on the smoke she had sucked into her airway as she realized what Penelope was wearing. 

This time Penelope was dressed in hot pink fish net hose with sharply pointed hot pink high heels.  McGuire doubled over in a fit of giggles as her eyes slid up on Penelope’s body. She wore a black, white and hot pink mini skirt that hardly covered her crotch. A white laced see though tube top made her large boobs look even more monstrous. She sported a blonde wig that had seen better days with an even worse bleaching job. Black roots showed through the blond streaks. A long purple and pink jacket with oversized shoulder pads hung loosely from her shoulders like a worn out gunny sack. 

A fake silk flower with black tiny pearl beads decorating the leaves of the flower was tightly strapped around Penelope’s neck like a noose. On her ears were a set of three looped earrings.  They were so heavy her ear lobes looked like the stretching arms on the stretch toys being pulled between two kids. Her gaudy wristwatch was adorned with fake diamonds and a hot pink leopard print wrist band.  

McGuire laughed harder at the heavily applied make up. Penelope's eye lashes looked a like tarantula had crawled on them.  They were so thick they stuck together every time she blinked. Her hooker red lip stick outlined her lips and half of her chin.  Her eyebrows were plucked clean, reminding McGuire of a clown in a traveling circus she had seen as a kid.  The makeup was applied so thick it was cracked and pealed off each time Penelope blinked or turned her head. Chunks of makeup flopped in the breeze that blew through the Vega strip. Long fake finger nails were also painted hot pink to match her outfit. 

By the time Penelope stood next to Judith and McGuire the wig has slid sideways on her head and McGuire was rolling on the ground holding her stomach as she died laughing. 

“Oh my God Judy.  Look at her nipples. They are bigger then hub caps off a Volkswagen.” McGuire said between deep fits of laughter. Penelope teeter tottered toward them on the gold stiletto high heels, bringing her eye to eye with McGuire’s six feet, four inch frame. 

 

******** Shadylady 

“What the hell do ya thinking you are doing, Henny Penny?” McGuire asked as she stopped laughing and sat up on the sidewalk.

In an innocent tone, Penelope looked down at McGuire and replied, “Why fitting in.  What else would you wear to walk the strip with all the hookers?” 

Judith looked right and left without seeing even one person as gaudily dressed as Penelope.   She walked over to McGuire and stretched out her hand, helping her back to her feet.  McGuire bent over with her hands on her knees still laughing like a hyena. 

Judith stepped back, distancing herself from the other two as Penelope whirled around toward McGuire.  

“And what the hell do you think is so gawd darn funny?” Penelope posed with her hands on either side of her hips. 

“YOU! What else,” McGuire started once more into rollicking laughter but this time she laughed so hard she was unable to control the loud rumbling of gas that escaped from her. 

Judith heard the noise and quickly looked around them to see if anyone else caught wind of it (and in more than just one way).  Seeing no one was paying them any attention made her feel better as she finally let out a relieved sigh. 

“Penelope, you can’t come out like that.”  Judith said quietly. 

“Why not?  I think it’s stunning.” 

“More like a stun gun,” snickered McGuire. 

“Will you just shut the fuck up,” Penelope said agitatedly. 

Just as Judith opened her mouth to answer Penelope, a police car screeched to a halt at the side of the curb.  Blue lights strobed the area as a small crowd began to gather to watch what was happening. 

McGuire stepped back and leaned against the wall of the hotel.  Judith rung her hands nervously as one of the officers leapt from the car. 

“Hold it ma’am.”  The officer said as he walked up to Penelope.  “This is a no-solicitation district.  Put your hands behind your back.” 

“WHAT……” screeched Penelope as she tottered backward on her heels.  “I’m not soliciting.  I am just trying to walk around and see the strip just a little.” 

“That is what you all say.”  The officer said as he slid the plastic band over her wrists and tightened the loop. 

“Wait…you can’t arrest me.  I’ve done nothing wrong.”  Penelope screeched as she was pushed toward the patrol car.   

“HELP!!! HELP!!!” She implored loudly as she turned her head and saw a laughing McGuire still leaning against the building.   

Judith was rushing toward McGuire, her hands flapping up and down as she tried to get McGuire to step forward and say something to the officers. 

“McGuire…stop them.  They can’t take Penelope off to jail.  She didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Nope.  She dresses like a whore, then they are gonna treat her like one.” 

“Please.  Don’t ruin our holiday by letting her go to jail.”  Judith said as tears started forming in her eyes. 

“OH hell.  Don’t pull that on me.  Ya know I can’t stand tears.”  McGuire said as she pushed from the wall and headed toward the car where the officers were still struggling to put Penelope in the back seat. 

Judith wiped her eyes and grinned to herself before turning around and following closely behind McGuire. 

“Officer?  Excuse me.  That’s my friend you are trying to arrest.”  McGuire said as she stopped next to the group by the patrol car. 

“So…?  What is your point?”  The arresting officer asked, still holding onto Penelope’s arm. 

“Well she is a little tetched in the head.  We flew in from Oregon and for some reason she left all her sanity behind.  She felt that it was appropriate to dress flashy in order to stroll through tinsel town.  Please let her go and we’ll make sure she changes her clothes and behaves until we leave tomorrow.” 

Judith finally peeked from behind McGuire and added her plea to the request. 

“She really is a sweet girl under all that false makeup and dress she is wearing.  We try to keep her under reign but she slipped out on us while weren’t looking.”  Judith had her fingers crossed behind her back as she blatantly lied to the officer.  She again let her eyes tear up and overflow to trickle down her cheek. 

The officer looked at Judith and McGuire and then back at the now quiet Penelope.  He figured she must be straight and not a street walker if two people came to her defense right away.  That was not the typical behavior of other street walkers as they all tried to scramble for cover when one of them was being arrested. 

“Well… I don’t usually do this but I think you must be telling us the truth.”  He pulled out a knife and quickly cut through the plastic band, releasing Penelope.  She pulled her arms back in front and began massaging the redness visible around her wrists. 

“Please take her back the hotel and help her dress more appropriately.  I won’t be the only one trying to arrest her if she continues strutting around looking like a fresh whore.”  The officer turned toward his car and opened the front door. 

“Goodnight ladies,” he called out as he climbed back inside.  His partner cut off the blue lights and they slowly pulled away from the curb, leaving the three friends standing, still looking at one another. 

“Damn if you didn’t fuck that one up good, Penny-bo-peep.”  McGuire drawled. 

“Oh shut your trap,” snapped Penelope. While she shifted from one foot to the other as her toes began to cramp in the stacked heels. 

“Come on, you two.  We promised that officer that Penelope would change.”  Judith said as she took hold of Penelope’s arm and started pulling her toward the hotel. 

“Yeah but change into what.  Can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.”  McGuire said loudly as she shuffled along behind the pair.  She pulled her cat out of her backpack and began swinging it in wide circles.  She watched as people began making a wide berth around them as they walked back inside and headed toward the elevator. 

Once in their rooms, Penelope and Judith crossed to their side of the suite so that Penelope could shower and change.  McGuire flopped down on the couch, picked up the TV remote, and began flipping through the channels.  She pulled her backpack toward her feet, dropped the remote and began rambling through what was left inside.  She spotted the Baby Ruth candy bars she had placed in their earlier. 

“Hey…Penny and Judy?”  She yelled loudly. 

Judith stuck her head back out the door, “WHAT??” 

“Let’s sit in the hot tub for awhile and just relax.”  McGuire stated. 

“Hummm…that would feel good after all we have been through tonight.  Let me hand Penelope her bathing suit and we’ll be right with you.” 

McGuire rushed to her room and quickly changed into cutoffs and a tee-shirt.  Running back through the sitting area, she snatched up the candy before sprinting out on the balcony and splashing into the tub like a big kid.  She slid around until she was in the darker part of the tub out of the light filtering from the sitting room. 

With speed she unwrapped the candy bar and held it in her hand, snickering under her breath the whole time. 

Penelope and Judith walked outside and quickly joined McGuire in the pool.   

“Ah… now this is luxury.”  Judith crooned softly.  Penelope was still sulking and didn’t speak as she leaned back and rested her red head against the rim of the tub. 

“Yes it is really nice.  But ladies, this warm water is making my stomach cramp.”  McGuire moaned aloud. 

“Then get out and go to the bathroom.  After all what do you expect when you ate everything that was in the kitchen and then some.”  Penelope grouchingly said. 

“I may need to,” McGuire said as she slid her hands under the water to push herself off the seat she was sitting on. 

“Uhhhhh…” she groaned as if her stomach was cramping badly. 

“Oh no….oops.” she said as she quickly stepped over the rim.  “Sorry.”  She rushed back into the sitting room and stopped as she waited to hear what was going to happen next. 

“OH MY GOD..” shrieked Penelope at the top of her voice as she saw what looked like a turd floating toward her.   

“Quick get out of the pool.”  She stood up and jumped out of the tub, pulling Judith with her. 

“Why?  What’s wrong?” Judith asked in confusion. 

“That brat shit in the tub when she was getting out.”  Penelope fumed. 

“I heard that.”  McGuire stated as she strolled back onto the balcony. 

“What’s up?”   

“You crapped in the tub.”  Fussed Penelope. 

“Who me?” 

“Yes you.” 

“No way.” 

“Go look.” 

“Ok.” 

McGuire strolled to the edge of the tub and looked around.  Acting as if she didn’t see the object in discussion, she stated.  “I don’t see nothing.” 

“Oh hell,” Penelope said as she and Judith walked back over to stand next to McGuire. 

“There…see.”  Penelope stated as she pointed to the brown object floating on the surface of the pool. 

“Oh that.”  McGuire grunted as she quickly leaned over and snatched the “turd” out of the water.  Without hesitation, she popped one end of it into her mouth and bit down. 

Penelope and Judith gagged as they watched McGuire, thinking she had finally totally lost her mind. 

McGuire watched them as she chewed the candy in her mouth.  “Ummmm..tastes good.” 

“Are you sick?”  Streaked Penelope while Judith fought to hold down her nausea. 

“Naw… I wondered where my Baby Ruth had disappeared to,” McGuire finally said before wandering back inside. 

“OH MY GOD... you BRAT… you PEST…. YOU ASS WIPE.”  Penelope ranted as she stomped toward her room. 

Judith didn’t say a word but walked over to the bar where she preceded to make herself a stiff gin and tonic.  Today had been a full day for her and all she wanted to do was relax.  McGuire disappeared into her room to change.  Judith looked at the closed door and finally laughed aloud as she recalled the look of horror on Penelope’s face when she had watched McGuire take a bite of the object that had been floating in the tub.  Judith should have known that McGuire was up to something just from her eagerness to get them to join her.  Finally, the laughter rolled out loudly as Judith let the fun fill her entire body. 

 

******** Wizz                                        

McGuire snuck up behind Judith and screamed in her ear, “WHAT YA DOING?” 

Judith who was sipping on a gin and tonic spit out across the small bar and began to choke. Quickly McGuire began to beat hard on Judith’s back. 

“Breathe, old lady, inhale, exhale and repeat. I swear you never could hold your licker. Such a wussy foo-foo drinking whimp you are.” McGuire gave one last hard smack to Judith’s back and walked behind the bar and began to pour herself a drink. Pulling bottles out from under the bar she looked for fruit flies in each bottle.  Seeing none she pulled out a pitcher and added several shots of the clear booze from each bottle.  

“Listen you sawed off sonofabeach. I can out drink you any time you care to make a bet with me.” Judith mumbled as she finally caught her breath. 

“You’re a pimp-mamma because there is no way you can match me drink for drink. I will make two pitchers of this foo-foo drink and we shall see who is still standing by the time we are done drinking them! Plus I will bet you 100 bucks you puke ‘fore I do.”  

McGuire pulled a second large pitcher from under the bar and began to pour triple the amount she had in the first one. She knew Judith would hate her come morning but this was the second time Judy had boasted that she could out drink her. 

“What the hell are you making anyway? I am not drinking tequila.  That is for sure.” Judith watched as McGuire’s bartending training kicked in and she flipped bottles around without spilling them.  

“And this is not Coyote bartending here so cut the fancy shit and pour me a drink. You’re just stalling for time because you know I will drink your silly ass under the table. So put your money where your big mouth is and let’s drink.” Judith snarled as she slammed a 100 dollar bill on the bar top. 

McGuire pulled out her wallet and thumb through the paper and phone numbers, finding a 100-dollar monopoly bill.  She slammed it down on top of Judith’s money and grinned. 

“That is not a 100 dollar bill.  You can’t use that.” Judith flicked the fake money back at McGuire. 

“It most certainly is a 100 dollar bill.  Consider it an I.O.U. I don’t have any cash right now. Now shut your pie eating cake hole and start sucking that drink down.” McGuire shoved the full pitcher in front of Judith and sat down next to her with two shot glasses and 6 straws and a bottle of tequila.  

“Let’s play a game.  Everything I do you have to do and the looser has to drink two shots.” McGuire said with a devilish gleam in her eye. 

“I am not drinking that gut rot. Get me the bottle of gin and I will play your silly games.” Judith stated flatly as she watched McGuire reach across the bar top and pull the bottle of gin up and over to them. 

“Now do everything like I do and make sure you do it exactly like I do or you drink three shots of this pine needle crap you call booze.” McGuire said as she rearranged the straws to make a diamond shape around the shot glass then poured the large shot glass full.  

Judith copied everything she did.  

McGuire moved the bottom straw to the top and the top one to the bottom. Judith copied her again.  As McGuire moved each straw, Judith did the same. Then all at once McGuire picked up the shot glass and tipped her head back and poured it in her mouth. Judith snatched up her shot glass and downed her gin in one swallow.  McGuire turned and grinned at Judith who realized her mistake as McGuire spit her drink back into the shot glass. 

“You cheated, you didn’t drink it.” Judith knew she had been had. 

“You were supposed to do everything I did and you didn’t.  Now you got to drink four shots.” McGuire poured the first one and Judith drank. 

“Wait a second.  I am not drunk yet. You said two shots not four.” Judith said as she took the second shot and raised it to her lips. 

“You’re such a big baby. I’ll even drink one with you.” McGuire dumped out the shot glass and refilled it with fresh tequila. She raised her glass in a toast and said, “Over the lips and down the throat, one to many and it’s back up the throat and over the lips and down your coat.” 

McGuire poured another round and raised her glass again. 

“Here’s to you and here’s to me, should we ever disagree, fuck you and here’s to me.” 

It was an hour later that Penelope found them singing raunchy bar songs at the top of their lungs and swinging the black cat by a rope over the side of the balcony. McGuire was hanging out over the rail with Judith holding her legs with only one hand and her almost empty pitcher of drink in the other. 

“OH MY GOD!” Penelope screamed and caused Judith to let go of the hold she had on McGuire. McGuire failed her legs in the air hitting the pitcher of booze in Judith’s hands sending it crashing to the patio’s concrete, shattering it into a million pieces. Both Judith and Penelope grabbed McGuire’s legs just as she started teetering over the edge, saving her from a fall to her death several hundred feet below. 

“That’s it.  No more from the two of you tonight.  I have a good mind to send you both to your rooms. I do not want to hear a peep out of either of you the rest of the night. I’ve got a headache and I am sick of your filthy mouthed songs.” Penelope snapped as she tiptoed over the glass to go back inside the living room.  She slammed the patio door shut behind her, locking them out on the balcony.  

McGuire tried to pull the door open and realized they were locked out. Quickly yanking the broach off Judith’s jacket she picked the lock on the patio door. Letting them in she promptly ran to the bathroom and got some sleeping pills from her travel bag and a glass of water.  Walking into Penelope’s bedroom she gave Penelope the glass of water. 

“Here Henny Penny, this will help your headache.” McGuire slurred as she handed the pills to Penelope. 

“What is it you’re giving me?” Penelope eyed McGuire suspiciously. 

“It’s Tylenol. What else do you give someone with a headache?” She smiled and patted Penelope’s hand and left the room while looking at her watch to mark the time. And as she shut to door she grinned to herself. She ran to tell Judith that she had slipped Penelope Tylenol with the PM added. 

 

******** Shadylady 

“What did you do that for?”  Slurred Judith as she tried to focus on one of the three images of McGuire she saw before her eyes.   

“Well, I figured it was time that you showed me how women put on makeup.  I know how to take it off them in a hurry but never saw it being put on.  I figured why not a live model, if you can call Skinny Penny live.”  McGuire walked over to her backpack and pulled out a spray bottle of cheese whiz and some chips.  As Judith watched, McGuire loaded each chip with a heap of cheese before stuffing the whole thing into her mouth at one time.   

“You have eaten ten of those without taking a breath,” Judith said as she watched the event. 

“I…knowwww. Yummmmm…slurp……crunch…..BURP”  McGuire continued eating as if she had never had supper earlier that evening.  Judith shook her head and was glad that McGuire was not sleeping with her.  She did not want to have to be the one cleaning her up after her visit with the porcelain goddess. 

“Goodie…. goodie.  Forty five minutes have passed.  Come on, let’s sneak in and see if Ninny Penny is asleep.”  McGuire reached out and pulled Judith to her feet.   

They held each other, as they swayed back and forth, neither one able to walk a straight line.  McGuire started giggling as she kept trying to stick her feet between Judith just to trip her up.  Judith stopped dead in her tracks causing McGuire to slam her face against Judith’s head. 

“Owww. What dud yu doth that fur?”  Lisped McGuire as she twisted her nose back and forth making sure it wasn’t broken. 

“Can’t go through a closed door, now can we?” Judith asked as she fumbled around looking for the doorknob.   

“Well, damn, she has locked us out,” Judith grumbled, as she pulled harder on the knob without the door budging even an inch. 

McGuire watched her while rubbing her nose with the edge of her shirt.  “Here, let me,” she finally said.   

Reaching over Judith and nudging her to one side, McGuire took the knob in her hand and pushed in on the door.  It opened with no resistance.  McGuire turned and grinned at Judith before sneaking quietly into Penelope’s bedroom. 

Judith was not as quiet and stumbled against the door, slamming it against the wall.  Penelope never moved.  McGuire walked up to the side of the bed and leaned down, blowing her breath over Penelope’s eyelids.  Her lashes fluttered in the fetid breath that smelled of tequila and cheese whiz spread.  McGuire watched Penelope’s mouth as she blew bubbles with each snore she made.  She stuck out a finger and popped one of the bubbles, causing fine spray to settle around Penelope’s mouth. 

“She’s cooked like a goose.”  McGuire said as she stood, leaned over and turned on the bedside light.  “Bring on the paints.” 

Judith walked into the bathroom and returned with Penelope’s small travel case filled with makeup.  She sat it down on the edge of the bed before pulling up a chair and sinking down into it. 

“I am not going to be able to stand over her and put on the makeup.  I am too sick and dizzy.  I’ll puke in her face if I have to lean over her.” Judith said as she wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. 

“No problem.  I take directions well,” McGuire said while mumbling under her breath, when I want to. 

“OK good, let’s get started.”   

McGuire opened the case and dumped everything out on the bed.  Makeup scattered all over the big king bed as she spread each item out for her eyes to see. 

“Start with the foundation cream in that ivory bottle,” Judith said while pointing to a bottle next to McGuire’s hand.  “Don’t do it too heavy, just a light coat.” 

“What the hell do I put it on with, a paint brush?  I don’t see one in this mess.”  McGuire said as she rummaged through the pile of makeup. 

“No use one of those little sponges and just lightly pat it on.” 

McGuire picked up the sponge and wondered how anyone in their right mind would hold one of those tiny assed objects to try to dab something on their faces.  It would take way too long.  She stepped back up next to Penelope, opened the bottle of foundation and poured a thick glob onto Penelope’s face.  Using the sponge held gingerly between her thumb and finger, McGuire spread a thick layer of foundation over Penelope’s face.  When she was done, it looked like Penelope had painted her face white.   

“Shiettttt.  This makes her look like a ghost.”  McGuire said as she dropped the sponge back onto the bed, leaving a white mark on the dark, royal blue cover. 

“Don’t worry.  It will dry a little darker,” Judith said not realizing how much foundation had been applied. 

“Now, see if you can find a little flat jar that has some red tinted cream in it.  That will be the blush that we put on her cheeks to highlight them and draw attention to her cheekbones.” 

“We? Since when are you up here helping me?” McGuire fussed. 

“Chicken bones, cheek bones, who the hell cares.”  McGuire grouched as she picked up and dropped half dozen jars before finding one that stated rose blush. 

She opened the lid and stared.  The blush was deep red and creamy.  McGuire grinned realizing she knew just what she needed to do.  Taking a round sponge this time, McGuire dipped it into the bottle until it was coated with the red blush.  She held the sponge until its round side was pressed against Penelope’s cheek.  When she stepped back, McGuire looked down and chuckled.  Against the pearly white of Penelope’s skin were large red circles on either side of her face right over her cheekbones. 

It was grotesque…just the look that McGuire felt Meany Penny needed after locking them out on the balcony. 

“What now?”  McGuire asked.  “This is beginning to be fun.  Hey Fruity Judy.. don’t go to sleep on me now.  We got to finish this.” 

Judith nodded but kept her eyes closed.  “Put some eye makeup on her next.  Forget lashes and just put on the eye shadow.  Pick what you want.  It won’t matter.” 

“You are right about that,” McGuire noted under her breath.  She dug through the makeup until she lifted up some bright blue eye shadow. 

“I really like blue.” McGuire said aloud.  “Judy Tooty, where does this go?”   

“Spread it over her eyelids with that little sponge on the stick you’ll find in the eye shadow case.” 

McGuire opened the case and lifted out the q-tip looking sponge.  She swirled it around in the eye shadow until it was coated solid blue.  She leaned down and completely covered Penelope’s eyelids with thick bright blue eye shadow.  She used the brush to pull some of the shadow out onto Penelope’s face, making curled wings coming from the corners of her eyelids. 

Stepping back, McGuire admired her handwork before asking Judith, “What’s next?” 

“All you got left is the lipstick.  Can you put it on her?”  Judith asked in a sluggish voice. 

“Hell yes, I am sure if I can get it off, I can surely put it on.  Hummm what color do you think?”  McGuire mused as she dug through the twenty or more tubes lying on the bed. 

“She’s kinda partial to red, remember?” Judith said quietly. 

“Yeah and I got just the shade.”  Opening a tube of fire engine red lipstick, McGuire took no time in applying the lipstick to Penelope’s lips.  Not only did she apply it to her lips but she also painted at least a one-inch margin outside her lips, making her mouth large and clown-like.   

McGuire recapped the lipstick and scooped the entire load of make up back off the bed into its case.  She sat the case beside the bed. 

“All done.  Come and have a look,” McGuire said with a giggle. 

Judith pushed herself out of the chair and stepped up to the bed next to McGuire.
”OH…..MY….GOD!  She is going to kill us.  No, make that kill you. I had nothing to do with this.  As God is my witness.”  Judith gasped again as she looked into the grinning clown face that once was a very beautiful young woman.  “I am not going to be here when she wakes up.” 

Judith walked over to the spare bed, yanked off the coverlet before stomping back out onto the patio where this time, she locked the door by bracing a chair in its track. She pulled up a lounge chair, facing into the room as she settled down beneath her coverlet to sleep away the rest of the night.   

Meanwhile, McGuire knew she would need to be surrounded by people if she was to survive this little escapade.  She quickly packed their entire luggage and placed it by the front door.  She would let them sleep until it was too late to do anything but run for the car.  When she was done, she went into her room, set the alarm and lay fully clothed on top of the bed. 

McGuire’s alarm went off, waking her out of a drunken sleep.  She jumped up and nearly fell over her backpack as she got her bearings.  Suddenly she remembered that they had a plane to catch and very little time to make the airport.  She slung her backpack over her shoulder and rushed to the balcony door.  She beat on the glass until she saw Judith stirring. 

“Come on Judy, Nudie Tudie.  The chariot is waiting and we’ll miss the dove’s takeoff unless we move out right now.”  McGuire pressed her nose flat against the glass as she waited for Judith to move.   

Judith jerked awake and began shivering.  Looking around she wondered how in the hell she ended up outside.  Within minutes her thoughts returned.  She moved over to the door and pulled the chair out of the way so that she could re-enter the living room. 

“I need to shower.”  She began. 

“You don’t have time, Tudie.  We have about two hours before our plane takes off.  That gives us enough time to check out, drive to the rental depot and hop on the plane.  Now, iffen you want to stay a little longer, welllllllll…I’m all fur it.”  McGuire stated as she rocked back and forth on the heels of her boots. 

“Damn, how did we cut it so short?”  Judith began as she looked down to see how wrinkled she looked.  Actually she was not in too bad a shape considering she had not moved at all during her sleep last night. 

“Did you get Penelope up?”  Judith asked as she glanced toward the door and noted the entire luggage piled up. 

“Uh…no but if you are ready to go, let’s get her up now.”  McGuire began nervously. 

Judith caught the hesitation in her voice.  “What did you do now?” 

“Me…it wasn’t just me.  You told me what to do.” McGuire wheedled. 

“Oh no.  Where is Penelope?”  Judith demanded. 

“She’s still asleep.  We didn’t hurt her none.” McGuire continued. 

“Then why are you ready to make a run for it?”  Judith asked confusedly. 

“Ah…she is going to kill us when she wakes up and I want to be in the middle of a crowd when she sees herself.”  McGuire stated. 

“Oh god, I thought that was just a dream I was having.  You didn’t really put all that makeup on her did you?”  Judith pleaded. 

“Hell yes I did.  She is prudy as a pickle in a barrel.  Or is that maybe we should hide her in a barrel,” McGuire queried. 

“Shit…. Where are my shoes?  I am going to the lobby and YOU can get Penelope up.”  Judith replied as she picked up her pocketbook and left the room. 

Whistling loudly, McGuire walked into Penelope’s bedroom.  She stood at the foot of the bed, leaned down, untucked all the covers and jerked them off of Penelope. 

“Rise and shine sleeping hag.  It’s time to go.  We’re late.  Judy Cootie has gone down to settle up the bill and we are running about two hours behind.”  McGuire picked up the clothes that Penelope pulled off last night and threw them on top of her sleeping form. 

“I can’t wear those.  I had them on last night.”  Penelope whined. 

“You don’t have a choice.  I packed everything up while you were sleeping so’s we wouldn’t be late.  Come on or we are going to leave your ass right here in Vegas.” 

“Damn…damn…damn!” Penelope fussed as she quickly pulled on the outfit that had gotten her picked up as a street walker the night before.  “I need to go to the bathroom.” 

McGuire blocked her way and pushed her toward the living room.  “You can go in the lobby.  Here that?  The porter is at the door to get the luggage.  Judy must be done.” 

McGuire grabbed Penelope by the arm and pulled her toward the door.  She reached down and grabbed her backpack as she continued pulling Penelope into the hallway in the direction of the elevator. 

Walking toward the elevator, they passed a little boy and his mother in the hallway.  He stopped. Pulled on his mama’s skirt and pointed his finger at Penelope as they walked by. 

“Look mommy.  There’s a clown.” 

Penelope reached up and tried to smooth down her hair.  She realized that her red hair must be sticking out like Ronald McDonald since McGuire had not given her time to even comb her hair.  She finally rushed forward toward the elevator to keep Maggie from pulling her arm out of joint. 

Once they were in the elevator, McGuire mashed the button to the ground floor.  As they rode down, Penelope finally looked around her.  She stared straight ahead and noted a grotesque clown face staring back at her.  For several seconds she stared hard until she realized it was her face she was looking at.  Her mouth opened and an ear splitting scream poured forth. 

“You dirty sons of bitches. Whore!  White trash!  How could you do this to me?”  Penelope screamed as she turned and beat McGuire on the arm.   

McGuire doubled over in laughter while trying to dodge Penelope’s flying fists. 

In the lobby the elevator door opened and one figure rushed off so fast she could barely be seen.  McGuire watched as Penelope ran into the ladies room.  Her pocketbook flopped against her side as she pushed past everyone in her dash to get into the bathroom. 

Judith walked up to McGuire.  “I take it that speeding bullet was Penelope?  I heard her scream.  I’m surprised you are alive enough to walk off the elevator under your own steam.” 

“She was too busy staring at her beautiful face to bother me too much.  Course it could have been that nice group of old ladies that got on and stood between us that saved me too.” 

“You lucky dog.”  Judith replied. 

“Are we signed out?”  McGuire asked as she bounced her backpack on her shoulders.  

“Yes.  We just need to get the car and load it.” 

“I’ll get it while you bring the porter out to the curb with the bags.  I’ll be round front faster than you can poke a rabbit in the butt.”  McGuire turned and headed out of the building toward the parking lot. 

Judith walked over to the bathroom to check on Penelope.  She slowly poked her head into the room and saw that Penelope had gotten most of the damage under control. 

“Hey, you ok?”  Judith asked tentatively. 

“Not from any help by you bitches.”  Penelope snapped. 

“It wouldn’t help for me to say we’re sorry, would it?” 

“Hell no ‘cause I know you two devil dogs wouldn’t mean it.”   

Penelope had covered most of the damage on her face with a foundation coat. Her lips were lightly coated with a milder shade of lipstick and most of the eye shadow had been removed.  Judith thought she really didn’t look much worse that she usually did.   

“Are you ready?  We need to rush or we’ll never make it.”  Judith asked. 

“Yeah but I sure would have like to have worn something different.”  Penelope said as she walked out of the door with Judith. 

McGuire was out front stuffing the bags into the trunk.  When she finished she turned and tossed her backpack onto the backseat before climbing back into the driver’s side. 

Judith stared at her as if to say what the hell are you doing?   

“You want to get to the airport on time?  If you do, haul your asses in here and let’s go.”

McGuire gunned the motor as she pealed away from the curb.  Judith held onto the Ole Shit strap while Penelope slid back and forth across the back seat once again. 

On one such jolt to the far side of the seat, Penelope reached out and grabbed McGuire’s backpack.  She peeked inside the HOLY GRAIL.  Laughingly she pulled out one package of the balloons that were still inside.  Opening up the wet bar she removed the seltzer bottle with the intention of filling up each of the balloons and putting them back into McGuire’s backpack, adding a lot more weight.

 

******** Wizz 

The girls quickly checked their luggage and gathered up the final bits they would carry on board with them and headed for their gate. As they passed a gift shop McGuire grabbed Judith and pulled her inside the tiny shop. The backpack McGuire carried was heavy.  She walked between the magazine rack and the candy bar rack where she turned to show Judith a key chain.  She knocked both racks over. 

“Dammit McGuire.  Take off the backpack or you'll end up knocking this whole place down.” Judith hissed as she yanked her out of the store and down the long corridor to their waiting plane.  

Penelope was already on board when McGuire and Judith took their seats in first class. Penelope glared at them, sat back and waited for McGuire’s backpack to explode spilling balloons all over the cabin. 

They could hear a commotion behind them and they all turned in their seats.  A little boy was screaming and crying as the stewardess took his Spiderman backpack away from him.  

“I am sorry ma’am.  It is just too big to go into the overhead compartment.  We’ll check it for you and you can pick it up at luggage claim when we land.” 

The little boy looked up and saw McGuire staring at him with her eyes crossed. He stuck out his tongue at which she returned the salute before dropping back into her seat. 

McGuire opened the top of her backpack and pulled out a book to read.  She sat the backpack in the aisle and snuggled back in her seat next to Judith.  She realized there was not enough light to see the pages clearly.  She turned to Judith to see if she could get her to change seats. 

“Juddy Puddy change seats with me, will you? I want to sit by the window so I can read my book.  I need more light.” McGuire whined in her ear. Judith stood up and waited for McGuire to move over. 

“As long as you keep your big mouth shut and let me get some more sleep. I feel like someone crept in my room, crapped in my mouth, and crept out again.” 

“Well, from this side of your breath, which smells like shit, I would say someone might have crapped in your crevasse.” McGuire spouted back and settled into the seat. Opening the book McGuire waited as the waitress floated by with a drink cart.  

“So let’s bite the dog that bit you Juddy tuttieeeeee. Excuse me miss we will take two bourbon and coke please.” McGuire waved her hand in front of Judith and quickly flipped down their tables.   

“Bottoms up, Judy Fruity.” McGuire swallowed the drink in two big gulps and sat back and waited for Judith. “Don’t be a wussy.  You said you could out drink me any day.  Well we did not finish that last night and we have a bet to settle.” McGuire picked up Judith’s glass and handed it to her, “Drink up Schmuck.”  

McGuire sipped her next drink while Judith gagged down the first one wishing she had stuck Penelope next to The Hellion. 

McGuire had read a few chapters when all at once her seat began to shake and move.  Something yanked her hair hard from over the back of the seat. She reached out and slapped Judith on the arm. 

“Stop pulling my hair, you ass wipe.” McGuire growled as she turned away from Judith who woke with a start from the smack to her arm. 

“What the hell you hitting me for?” 

“You pulled my hair, that’s why. Now stop and go to sleep or I will sit here and order drink after drink till you puke all over the stewardess.” McGuire went back to reading, her long hair pulled to the other side of Judith. Her head snapped back as her hair was yanked backwards again. 

“Goddammit stop it, you shit head.” McGuire flipped around and hung over the back of the seat only to see a little boy with a slingshot in one hand and parts of her hair in the other.  

“If you don’t go find your mother now I will chop your head off and throw it out the window.  Do you hear me? Give me that slingshot, you little snot.” McGuire growled as she snatched the slingshot out of the boy’s hands. “Now get out of here you little shit.” 

Watching until the boy had gone back to the lower class seats, McGuire knew she should say something to Judith for hitting her but decided not to wake her up.  Instead she slipped out of her seat toward the bathroom.  As she closed the door, she heard the little boy again. 

“Momma, that’s the woman right there who said she would cut off my head and throw it out the window.  She took my slingshot too.” The little boy pointed at Judith and whined. 

“Excuse me lady, the woman said as she shook Judith by the shoulder.  Please give my kid his slingshot back and tell him you will not chop his head off.   If you don’t, I’ll have you arrested for child abuse when we land.” The woman poked Judith hard with her finger while waiting for an apology. 

“Look lady. I have no clue what the hell you’re talking about and I do not have that snot nosed brat’s toy. Now return to your seat or I will complain to the Flight Attendant about you wandering around with a child while the seatbelt sign is on.”  

McGuire flushed the toilet.  As she tried to open the door the plane tilted side to side, hitting some air turbulence, throwing her to the floor. She scrambled to her feet and yanked open the door only to be thrown back into the bathroom to end up once more onto the floor with a thud. As she pulled herself up she hit the sink faucets and turned them on splashing water everywhere when the plane tilted once again.  

She tried to yank the door open again only to have it slam back hitting her in the forehead making a huge goose egg. She swore to get even with the captain before they landed for soaking her clothes and throwing her to the floor of the bathroom. She rushed to her seat, sat down, and buckled her belt tightly, only to have Judith start laughing at her soaked shirt. 

“What the hell were you doing in the bathroom McGuire? I swear we can’t take you anywhere without you causing some kind of problem.” Judith snapped still angry at the mother with the brat child. 

“I didn’t do a thing but take a piss.  Then I get thrown to the floor by some incompetent pilot. Who pissed in your cornflakes while I was gone? You were sleeping and I was enjoying the peace and quiet.” 

“I had some woman accuse me of threatening her son. She said that I threatened to cut off his head and throw it out the window.  You wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” Judith squinted her eyes at McGuire while waiting for a response. 

“Nope, sure don’t.  Would you like another drink? It looks like it will be a long bumpy flight.” 

“Ok. You’re the guilty one. What did you do to that little kid?” 

“I swear I didn’t do a thing.  He started it by pulling my hair. The sumbitch then stuck his tongue out at me when I told him to go find his mother. I swear Judith I did not touch the brat. I would have snapped his neck had I been able to reach him. He was out of my reach.” 

“Well, his mother is going to have me arrested for child abuse when we land so you had better go tell her you’re sorry and give the little shit back his slingshot.” 

“Oh shit... Ill be right back.” McGuire quickly went to the bathroom to get the slingshot but when she opened the door the sink had overflowed. She quickly backed up. McGuire slammed the door shut and returned to her seat, “I think I lost his slingshot down the toilet when we hit some bumps.” 

“McGuire, why are your shoes soaking wet? You left snail trails from the bathroom to our seats.” Judith leaned out of her chair and followed the wet track with her eyes back to their seats and down to McGuire's feet. 

“I slipped and fell.  The sink turned on. I didn’t know it was on when I finally got to me feet and got out of there.” 

McGuire was interrupted by the stewardess with an irate mother and a little boy whining about his slingshot. McGuire quickly hid her shoes by wrapping her feet under Judith’s blanket which was dragging on the floor. 

“Ok. This woman says one of you threatened her son and took his slingshot. Is this true?” The stewardess looked from McGuire back to Judith. 

“Why no ma’am.  It is not true. She should keep better track of her son and not let him run all over the plane, I watched him go into the bathroom.  He must have left his toy in there.” McGuire lied through her teeth as she glared at the little boy peeking out from behind his mother. 

Once again the dinging bell reminded everyone to return to their seats and to buckle up. McGuire had just buckled her belt when Judith turned to her. 

“You are going to rot in hell.  You know that don’t you?”  

“And I am taking you with me Judith darlin’.  You’re going to shovel coal for me all day long while I sip mint juleps and watch women in skimpy bathing suits.” 

Judith had no time to reply as the plane tilted side to side in a bumpy ride through the air.  It was then that McGuire’s backpack tipped over. 

 

******** Shadylady 

The top to the backpack opened as it hit the floor of the plane.  The water filled balloons shifted and started to spill out onto the floor.  As the plane continued to dip and weave, the balloons rolled backward as if propelled by a thousand tiny feet.  

No one seemed to be paying any attention as the balloons entered the tourist section of the plane.  Suddenly, one small voice rang out, “Look Mommy.  Water balloons” 

McGuire and Penelope heard the voice at the same time.  Penelope leaned out of her aisle seat and looked behind her to see a trail of balloons wobbling down the aisle under their own power.  McGuire rose up on her knees in her seat to see what the little boy was talking about.  No sooner did her head clear the seat than a water filled balloon hit her smack in the forehead, bursting to flow down her face.  She could hear the childish peals of laughter from the little boy who had been tormenting her since the beginning of the flight. 

McGuire saw red.  She quickly scrambled past a sleeping Judith, tripping over her legs as she fell out into the aisle.  Face down on the floor she felt another water balloon burst against her stomach. 

“What the hell?” She pushed up and looked to see a deflated balloon lying against her chest.  She could hear Penelope snickering next to her fallen body.  As she attempted to rise she nudged against her backpack and watched as two more balloons rolled from within its depth. 

“You ass wipe.  You snot nosed carpet muncher.  You hag on a rag.  Damn you, Penelope.”  She rose to her knees with two balloons in her hands. 

Penelope knew she was in trouble since McGuire only used her real name when she was upset or mad at her.  She opened her mouth to say something but no sooner got it opened then she too was hit square in the forehead causing water to cascade over her face.  Her eyeliner began to run, making black trails down both of her cheeks.  Her rouge which she had used to try to cover the damage that McGuire had done to her earlier ran down toward her chin, leaving red paths in its wake. 

McGuire lifted her hand to throw the other one toward the bratty boy in the back of the plane.  He was in the aisle picking up another balloon when he spotted the one in McGuire’s hand.  He took a solid stand and drew back his arm at the same time that McGuire did.  ZING!  Both balloons flew toward one another, each aiming for its intended victim. 

As luck would have it, the stewardess stepped into the aisle just as the balloons were nearing each other.  SMACK!  She was hit front and back.  The balloons burst on impact, showering her with water. 

McGuire quickly jumped back over Judith, who was still sleeping, pulled Judith’s blanket off of her and covered her own wet body as she turned toward the window pretending she was sleeping. 

Meanwhile the little boy also darted back into his seat and picked up his Gameboy, acting as though he was entranced in his game.  It didn’t matter that the toy was upside-down, as he wasn’t looking at it anyway.  He was worried that the stewardess would come to get him and toss his off the plane like the bad lady had threatened.   The more he thought about it, the more scared he became until he burst into tears.  His drowsing mother heard him and reached out, lifting him into her lap where he cuddled next to her protective body. 

The stewardess was upset as she reached down to the floor and picked up two more wandering balloons.  She tossed them into the sink as she looked up and down the aisle for the culprits.  Walking back toward first class, she noted that the woman in the bizarre clothing was soaking wet.  As she neared her, she saw that her makeup had run all over her face.   

“Excuse me miss.  Do you know anything about the water balloons that were rolling through the plane?”

“No, why would you ask?” Penelope asked as she used the corner of her blanket to wipe her face dry. 

“Well, you seem to have been a victim of a balloon too.” 

“Nope, not me.”   

“Then why is your face wet and your makeup running?” 

“Oh, I was reading a book that made me cry,” Penelope lied like a dog. 

“Oh really?” The stewardess noted in disbelief.  She wanted to push the issue but the customer is always right, or so they had been indoctrinated to believe.  With a last knowing nod of her head, she returned to her cubby hole to try to dry some of the wetness from her uniform. 

“You dork,” Penelope hissed across the aisle when she saw McGuire’s eyes peeking at her from under the blanket covering her body. 

McGuire didn’t answer but Penelope could see the covers quaking with her silent laughter.  “I’ll get you for this too.”  She threatened as once more she tried to repair her makeup. 

The rest of the flight remained relatively calm as McGuire finally fell asleep.  Her snores were enough to wake the dead but no one wanted to wake her up. They enjoyed the peace and quiet without her high energy driving them all nuts.  The pilot’s voice finally came over the speaker, announcing they were just minutes away from landing. 

Judith nudged the sleeping woman next to her then leaned away.  She knew that McGuire was just as liable to come up swinging if she didn’t awaken on her own.  Surprisingly, McGuire opened her eyes, looked around and immediately passed gas. 

“Damn Judy, you trying to add power to the plane?”  McGuire said loudly, passing the blame onto her seatmate. 

Judith sighed and shook her head.  “Come on brat, get ready for landing.  We are almost home.” 

McGuire was excited, as she hated to fly due to being confined in tight quarters.  She turned back around in her seat and fastened herself in.  She looked out the window as the plane dropped lower.  She could hear the wheels extracting from the belly of the plane.  As it hovered over the landing strip, she leaned forward and yelled at the top of her voice. 

“OH MY GOD, WE ARE GOING TO CRASH!” 

Judith reached over and slapped her hand over McGuire’s mouth to keep her from saying more.  McGuire opened her lips and began licking the palm of Judith’s hand. 

“Ewwwwww.  Don’t do that.” Judith said as she drew back her hand and wiped it on the blanket.   

“Ummmm, didn’t know you tasted so good, Judy Bootie.”  McGuire leered at her while wiggling her eyebrows up and down in mock desire. 

“Keep it to yourself, you turd.”  Judith grumbled as the plane touched down.   

The plane taxied into its berth and the passengers were finally allowed to disembark.  Judith, Penelope and McGuire were actually the first ones allowed to leave.  As they walked past the stewardess she spoke to them. 

“I hope your flight was enjoyable, ladies.  May I recommend that the next time you fly, please try one of our competitors?”  She smiled a tight smile as she turned back to the other passengers. 

“Well, that was a snub if I ever got one.”  Judith said to the group. 

“Hell, don’t worry.  If we ever fly again, we’ll make sure that she is on the flight and that we use her plane where ever we have to go.  Miss TightTwat won’t know what hit her next time.”  McGuire said as the three lumbered toward the baggage claim area.

Once the luggage was reclaimed, the trio stood and looked at one another.  All they could do was grin. 

“We made it ladies,” Penelope said. 

“Yep, and what a ball.  Let’s do it again soon.” McGuire stated. 

“You know we will.  I can’t think of anything I want to do more than spend a weekend having fun with you two.”  Judith said as she stepped closer. 

“Group hug,” Judith called out as she reached out and wrapped her arms around both of the women 

“Oh ewwwww.  Let go of me Judy Snooty,” McGuire whined as she pulled out of the hug. 

“OK, brats, let’s go home.”  Judith turned toward the luggage. 

They all picked up their luggage and headed toward the exits.  Judith failed to see that McGuire had picked up one extra piece of luggage.  She had grabbed a Spiderman backpack and carried it out along with the rest of her luggage. 

As they passed through the door, McGuire could hear the sound of a child’s voice. 

“Mama, where’s my Spiderman?”   

McGuire simply grinned and kept on walking. 

 

 

The End