I could start this as I was growing up, but who wants to hear about some kid running around fishing and getting into trouble. The whole reason I started this was because of the confusion running through my head and heart. So I might as well talk about the present, yet part of the present begins in the past. I would say about five years ago was when my life took a turn that would make me understand why I am different. 

Different might not be the right word, but at the time it was the only word that made sense. It explains why I love certain people and why I wish beyond anything I would have figured out who I was, so I may love who I was meant to. 

Okay so back to five years ago. I found the internet and all that it holds. Most importantly I found stories unlike any I have ever read before. It showed a close up view of a relationship between two woman.  

I tell you I was like, “ohh my God.”  

My mind hungered for more and more. I think I have read just about every thing I could get my hands on. Then when I couldn’t find anything else to read I started to write on my own. And let me tell you that in its own is amazing. I couldn’t stand putting words on paper and now I find it the greatest thing. I never would have guessed I can share my soul like this and not be afraid what anyone would think.  

It’s me and if you don’t like it you can kiss my ass. Always thought that and I probably will for a long time to come. 

Writing brought people in my life that will hold a great space in my heart. Some I know better and some have slipped away for one reason or another.  

The stories I wrote brought my dreams to life in some way shape or form. I always have wished I could slip into a story and become a character. Most of the time I want to be the one who is the strong one. The one who can take the whole world on, but with all honesty. I’m the one that needs someone. I just hide myself really good.  

I have been told I am out going and make friends easy, but I push them away easier. It hurts less if I have no one around. I have always known I’ll die alone. In fact I am very surprised I am alive today. Not that I’d do something stupid, but I just figured I’d be off floating in the clouds watching by now. 

Love is a strange thing. In some instances it can come out of no where and take a hold of your heart. Hold it hostage and keep you in suspension until the pain of knowing that what you want deep within your soul cannot be. It hurts more that I could tell you.   

It can also be fought tooth and nail. Giving myself long, long talks that in all reality nothing will ever come of what little we could have, but still falling and falling hard.  

Fools fall in love and I guess I am the biggest one of all. But this fool has learned. Learned a lot in the last few years. 

I’ve learned that love is hard. Especially when it’s something that I crave within the deepest part of my soul but when circumstances from my past make it impossible for the future I want it’s beyond words to even describe. 

I have also learned that life is harder than I ever imagined. Sometimes it is easier to have people by your side, but sometimes it is easier to just be by yourself.  

Though some things I would never change about my life. They are a part of me as much as I’m a part of my Mom. They can piss me off in an instant and make me smile with pride the next.

 

The End

I honestly don’t know what to write any more or if what I wrote makes any sense what so ever. But you know what……    

I don’t care.  

Peace….