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Murder in the first degree..... In MY Kitchen!!!! by Wizz
This morning I get my normal wake up call...still tryin’ to get my time zones down pat, so I get up get dressed and head for COFFFEEEEEEEEEE...bare foot mind you....normally I swing my legs off the bed slip on shorts AND shoes...but since I was on the phone an it was hardly daylight out, I just did the best I could I NEEDED coffeeeeee.... so I stagger out to the kitchen the dogs following behind me blinkie eyed as I was. I hunt around to find out where the evil roomie of mine has hidden the pot this morning. I find it in the LAST place I would look for it...the DISH WASHER... now why in the hell would you put it in there? Don’t ask me... she does things just to be EVIL... So I began to pour water it...that’s when I hear this tiny little muffled voice... “Help me...Help me I have fallen and I can’t get up!” I look over at my dog she blinkie eyes back at me, if my dog was a talking dog I was one rich woman, I’d be packing it up an going out on the road with her! I shook me head thinking I was lacking caffeine and finished making the fresh brewed pot of Swiss Almond coffee... yeah yeah yeah I like flavored coffee, so sue me...WEFG But no such luck the dogs were out the door after the evil cat next door when I heard this tiny little muffled voice again... “I’m dying and nobody knows it but me.” I kept looking around as I knew the stereo wasn’t on and both dogs were outside. It was then I spotted it, This thing was HUGE!!! It lay on its back and had a small child from down the street lodge in its front teeth. What could I do? I leapt straight up in the air and flung my huge caboose up on the counters knocking over everything in me big asses way off of it. I looked at this water roach and he looked back at me in a pitiful way... I had no shoes on so I couldn’t step on him. I was 5 feet off the floor and there was no way I was going to get down without me shoes on! So I crawled me way over the counter tops to the living room rugs and hopped down and went in search of my steel toed Wolverine boots! I laced them up on my bare feet ok so they don’t look like a fashion statement with long shorts on. But who was I to care? I was home alone! So I clomped my way back out to the kitchen and squatted down next to him as he breathed his last final words to me. “Tell my mommmma I love her.” He rolled his tiny beady little eyeballs at me and with one last gasp of air he said, “Oh Lord I’m coming home.” Well what could I do? I scooped him up in a taco bell cup closed the lid and hummed TAPS as I dumped his cold dead carcass on my evil roomies pillow... pulling the covers up over his face I turned off the light and closed the door letting him rest in peace until she gets home tonight!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! So then I emailed her at work and these are the emails we exchanged and as you read on you will see this BUG KILLER passes the buck as any murderer will do...its not their fault they murderer a poor innocent bug who was looking for food to feed his starving family... so read on and please send my evil murdering roomie some hate mail.... ME: so did you or did you not leave a bug for me this morning???? EVILROOMIE: what are you talking about? ME: I can see you this morning stepping on him an smashing him to the kitchen floor, the whole time your laughing your ass off cuz you know you’re going to leave him for me to find with NO SHOES ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...good thing I was awake an saw him, his poor lil tinyass legs stickin’ straight up in the air waving back an forth... him screaming "Help me I’ve fallen and I cant get up".... oh yes you’re going to ROT in HEAVEN for that one....no nakid food servers to feed you grapes one by one or swimming pools in hell for you its gonna be white robes and BURNT wings with BUG MURDERER written on the back of your OFF WHITE ROBE!!!!!!!! You’ll be forced to recite scriptures from the gold embossed book on how bugs were created everyday for 23 hours the other hour will be spent in silence...no Dr. Pecker, no Peeps, an no unsweetened teas for you, you bug murderer! I WILL GET EVEN!!!!B!!!!!i!!!!T!!!!C!!!!!!!H!!!!! IHATEBUGSDAMNYOU!!!!!!! So stop your cackling like an old hen... I can see you sittin’ there with that sillyass grin plastered on ur face...oh yes it might take me ten years but...... I WILL GET EVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IHATEBUGSDAMNYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shit he was HUGE too....ACK.... PS...I left his dead cold carcass on your pillow! A snack at bedtime for you! EVILROOMIE: You know I never turn on the lights in the morning but I know a little pot bellied piglet that finds pleasure in stomping those big bugs to see if he can kill them and then roll on top of them. I could almost bet that is why he was not sleeping this morning like he usually does. He had a prize and was waiting for you to get up and see what a good job he had done. I bet you didn't even give him a reward for being a brave hunter with just his bare little paws. Shame on you for threatening me while ignoring the real hunter in the family! I would be VERY CAREFUL cause Piglet has ways of getting even, like rolling on dead fish and then innocently jumping up in your lap with that wide wicked grin on his face. ME: oh suuuuure blame the little pig...he wont even get his feet wet let alone step on a bug... nope I cant see HIM stepping on it when you cant touch his tiny feet without him screaming like a 12 year old at a Boyz2men concert...nope he was not even out of bed when I got up an he hasn’t moved since 730am... an the bug told me it was the bitch with the suit coat on...his last dieing words to me was to tell his mother he loved her...then he keeled over an his little ole heart stopped beating...his little lungs wheezed his final breath of "I’M COMIN HOME LORD!" an BAM he was a gonner.... oh yes YOU are a MURDERER!!!!! Not the little piglet... great hunter? He cant even stand to go outside after dark he told me so, he is afraid of the dark as the bugs here are so big they would eat a little piglet like him in one bite....nope it wasn’t him... so don’t be pawning off your dirty deeds on the poor innocent piglet! EVILROOMIE: Then it must have been the Great cattle dog that was trying to herd that little bitty bug into a circle and over did it in her zeal to keep it in one place. Check out the paw prints on its shiny back and I'll bet you can compare it to Piglet and Dingo and you'll find out who really did it. Use your investigative techniques that you have learned from the Court TV Channel and see if you can really identify who did it. Check between their teeth and see if one of them has one of those prickly legs stuck between their teeth where they had no idea it would have lodged. Look in their toenails and see if you see any guts. Next walk them by the bug and see if they turn away as if to hide their crime. Nope it had to be one of them or else you stepped on it in your half assed waking status when you were fumbling into the kitchen to make coffee. ############################################## So it is up to you the reader to solve the murder in my kitchen... HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!! The End
Feedback: Wizzy44tc@yahoo.com Copyright © October 2005 |
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