He's Gay!!!!
Do It Yourself Home Repair!

OK.I know we said we would have a special ramble this week, but I dropped the ball so to speak and haven't finished my part of the newest ramble from your 3 Musketeers..... but its been a long week tiring week and that’s all I am gonna say bout it.... So here's one for this week! This just in from our headquarters...Shadylady passes me a message onto you all....... Shadylady: hey you can add that my angel wing was damaged from the flight back home and I haven't written mine either because I was afraid to pull out any more feathers to make an ink quill to write with. 

Let’s talk about going shopping and home improvement do-it-your-selfers!

You have cable or even regular TV stations that show home improvement shows..... You find great ideas to make your home look like it was made for the front cover of “Better Homes and Garden”! you have made your list starting with paint and wall coverings.....Here's the tricky part, these shows have a gazillion boo-ko bucks to spend on make the show’s ‘fake front paneled home’ look like Sharon Stone lived in it. The average home owner has NO clue as to what it takes nor the money to make it look just like Christopher Lowe waved his magic wand and pooof you’ve a new home. Note to the home owner here.....HE’S GAY HE CAN DO THOOSE THINGS! So when making a list of things you'll need, one of them being paint let me give you a hint on how NOT to insult the paint people at your neighborhood paint store! 

First off unless you’ve been to the Paint Institute School don’t ask what tints are in a paint to make a certain color, you’ll have no clue as to what the codes of OXR,YOX,LB or even E would mean. Be it on a 64^th scale or a 1/128^th or even a 48^th scale! Have I lost you yet? Yeah? GOOOD... another lame question when arriving at the customer service desk that should NOT be asked is.... Who is good with colors??? WELL DUH! IF we were not good with colors NONE of us would be working there, we would still be schlepping toys and golf clubs onto shelves at freaking Kmart!  Oh and my favorite one of all time, “I saw this on the HG TV (Home and Garden) channel...” Like I said those men are GAY and can do these things....Don't even get me started on jail bait Martha, and she was NOT framed, she deserves PRISON! She started this “FAD” and should be taken out behind the barn an shot! (Figure of speech of course! One can only hope!) 

Ok that said here's another thing that should not be done in a paint store....LEAVE UR SNOTTY NOSED KIDS HOME! Running through a store testing spray cans of colorful spray paint on displays and the floors or anything else they can cover with florescent paint is not ‘A Good Thing” as jail bait Martha would say! Yes this has happened in my store! OH an one more thing....don't blame the employee trying to help you at the front counter because the prices are to HIGH! We just sell the products we don’t make up the prices, you don’t like them go to Home Depot and by the cans of water they call paint!  

You’re only paying for a product that’s worth while if you’re paying a higher price! Do not ask me to explain how this is but it has to do with the contents IN the can an what chemicals are use to make up the paint as in solids VS water.... (I have given out the corporate phone number call them THEY set the prices!) And don’t come in asking if the paint being sold is better then the paint store down the street or why you should use X brand over Y brand! Everyone has good paint and everyone has a contractor’s grade for large jobs! Opps sorry got off on a rant there, back to home improvement’s and TV shows! 

Now you’ve seen this (example here....>) magnetic paint on TV, well your friendly neighborhood paint store don’t sell it...try a craft store or do a online search for who carries the certain products you'll need for this job before going out an getting pissed because Christopher told you your paint store would carry it. “HE’S GAY HE CAN SAY THOSE THINGS!” 

What else? We will gladly help you as far as showing you coordinating colors but we will be ‘quartered’ (gutted with a cutlass) and hung from the mast (flag pole) of our building if WE pick your colors, besides you'll be back the next day saying so & so picked it and wanting to return the baby crap gold color because it clashed with your 70’s green sofa! Next time, do like that lesbo Martha, throw it out and buy leather, a black leather sofa.... I think she’s a lesbian so she can do that as well! 

Keep in mind Ya know what started this whole ramble was? I had this lady come in to my store....let me set the scene.... She wore a silk suit outfit, long hair done up in a ‘bun’ glasses that made her look like Harry Potter wanna-be high CFMP’s and bright hooker red lip stick, now even Martha wouldn’t wear that dark of a color as it clashed with the purple silk suit and a Gucci hand bag made of alligator! (SHE’S A LESBIAN SHE CAN DO THAT TOO!) With her she had a Better Homes and Garden magazine, cloth samples of curtains made of a gold color, hence the baby crap gold color, and several of our competitors color chips and a sample of a pigeon poop gray carpet. I looked around for someone to pass her off to but she spotted me at the front counter and headed in my direction. Keep in mind the line “we get PAID to talk to you it’s the ONLY thing that’s keep us from ripping your head off!” SO I smiled a plastic smile and asked what I could do for her.... here's her first mistake.... 

“Can I speak with someone who’s good with colors?” 

I about choked her right then and there, but no I need that pay check to go to the beach over the weekends! Smiling I replied WE are all good with colors.... (For God’s sakes lady it’s a paint store! You think they would hire someone whose color blind?) Raced through my head as I explained to her I would be happy to help her.... I was getting paid to play nice after all! So I went along and played the game of ‘SHOW ME THE COLORS.’  About 20 minutes later she brings out a list of things she had printed off HGTV! As well as from Christopher’s show. I was even more shocked as she pulled a Martha Stewart magazine from her purse! (That damned lesbian! I thought she was headed to jail to find a new lover?) Huh....I again kept my mouth shut but I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling at the thoughts running ramped in my head! 

That’s when she said she had seen something done on Christopher’s show.... I opened my mouth without thinking... “HE’S GAY AND CAN DO THOSE THINGS!” Opps I said that out loud that time, her face was a shocked expression that’s for sure....! What could I do? I had done the one thing I get paid NOT to do....hehehehee....but sometimes ya just gotta say it! (An no Verna I did not get into trouble for that! I did however give her your phone number and told her to call a professional!) Verna asked me awhile back if I get into trouble at work. (Verna is one of my favorite painting contractors!) Anyway I got the wench her paint as well as a nice discount and she was totally happy an now she comes in an we joke and talk about all the gay home improvement people on TV. Hell Home Depot wouldn’t have employees if not for us! Anyway the moral of this ramble is.......

CALL A PROFESSIONAL TO PAINT FOR YOU! BECAUSE WE’RE GAY AND CAN GET AWAY WITH IT!

Kidding....but please next time you go in a store, please be nicer to the guys an gals behind the counters.... they only sell you the products.... the rest is done by the people who sit at a desk all day making up the rules and prices to piss you home improvement wanna be off and have no clue as to what goes on in a store! Because why??

THEY AINT GAY! Leave it to Martha and Christopher, THEY ARE!

Wizzy

Wizzy44tc@yahoo.com

August 29, 2004