Wizzy 

Wizzy’s Wackyweed.....HELL ON WHEELS

Greetings from the Commonwealth

• Front and slightly left of center is Massachusetts’ Senator John ‘I got shot in Nam’ Kerry. He’s running for U.S. President against George W. Bush. And, my friends that would be the long and the short of it. However, there is an interesting footnote to the race. Considering all the liberal bashing over the course of the campaign, George W.’s daddy was born in Milton, MA and ‘W’ himself attended and managed to graduate from Harvard Business School with an MBA. Ain’t that the epicenter of liberal America? Go figure. Are those Democratic roots at the base of the Republicans’ stump? Maybe Harvard is the place where ‘W’ learned to spell compassion if not understand the concept.

• Next up, the Patriots. Yes, all of New England claims them but they keep their cleats in Foxboro, MA. Sunday they hit 21 wins in a row. They are breaking records all the way forward in their quest for another Superbowl. And, looking pretty damn fine squeezing their big asses into those little white pants. Mmmm.

• Finally, we have the boys of summer who have become the men of fall. Or, as we say up here, Idiots one and all. My Red Sox are in the World Series for the first time in 18 years. It has been 86 years since the last time they…, Ahh, no, let’s not invite the ghosts back, shall we.

If you think life can get more exciting than this then you haven’t been paying attention. You see, none of our native sons have a sure thing going. It is a tooth and nail fight all the way to the finish. The Presidential race is closer than 2000. The Patriots are only 1 among several NFL teams which are presently undefeated. Then, there are the Red Sox. They are playing edge of the seat, change my diapers baseball and winning so far but nothing is certain.

I thought it might be a good idea to give you folks living outside the 128 belt a quick guide to east coast life. If we do end up dominating in politics, football, and baseball; the rest of you are going to need a user manual to figure out the most amazing city on earth, the Hub of the known universe; Boston, Massachusetts.

1. Boston baseball teams won 6 of the first 15 World Series (Red Sox 1903, 12, 15, 16, 18 and the Braves 1914). However, the very first win was not at Fenway Park (1912). The 1903 World Series was held at the field on Huntington Avenue. In present day Boston, the field is now Northeastern University. If you wander the campus near Forsyth Street you’ll find a life size statue of Cy Young standing where the pitcher’s mound was located in 1903. Reverse the curse note: He’s waiting, gentlemen. BELIEVE.

2. 4 presidents were born in Massachusetts. John Adams (Mass. Bay Colony), John Quincy Adams (Braintree), John F. Kennedy (Brookline), and George H.W. Bush (Milton). 5 other presidents have close ties to Boston. Abraham Lincoln’s cousins and their descendents lived in the town of Hingham. Rutherford B. Hayes went to Harvard Law School. James Garfield attended Williams College. Franklin D. Roosevelt graduated from Harvard University. And, ‘W’ managed to get by at Harvard Business School.

3. Funnily enough, our current Governor, the perpetually greasy and creepy Mitt Romney, is not from Massachusetts. He’s from the Olympics.

4. The city of QUINCY is pronounced quin ZEE up here. If you say QUINT SEE then you’re speaking Magoo.

5. The same is true with PEABODY. We say, PEE BUH dee. If you say, PEE BODY then you’re talking about the cartoon Mr. Peabody and his boy, Sherman.

6. We have a subway in Boston but it’s called THE T. There are large T signs at all subway entrances. And, an overwhelming smell of urine. If you ask, “where’s the subway?” Most Bostonians will point you to a sandwich maker.

7. The T and the Commuter Rail are two different types of transport. The T crawls around the city and nearby municipalities on tracks older than your grandmother in smothering confines underground without functional air conditioning or heat. The Commuter Rail whisks rich suburbanites away from the filth of downtown to the clean, open spaces of their bucolic communities in climate controlled cars by criss crossing surface roads and cutting through cities and towns in its way at 60 miles an hour. WoooWoooo.

8. If you utter the names, Yaz, Tony C., or Bobby Orr; then do so with reverence. These guys are the stuff of legend.

9. The water in the song Dirty Water by THE STANDELLS is the Charles River. Even with very expensive water rehab, it remains unswimable. Former Governor Weld, in a fit of unbridled machismo seldom displayed by the Brahmans , dove in for a swim a few years back and ended up with a stomach parasite. The lesson is, if water looks brown then there’s shit in it.

10. Boston Music is now and always has been the bomb! Aerosmith. J. Geils. Donna Summer. Private Lightning. Wheat. Pousette-Dart Band. Personally, I don’t think there has ever been a better song than Physical Speed by Private Lightning.

11. None of us talk like the Kennedy’s. We don’t know where they get that stuff. Boston speak is a weird blend of glottal stops, excessive nasals, and a general misunderstanding of when “R” should or shouldn’t be pronounced. Words which should have “R” at the end don’t (ex: burgah for burger) and words with no “R” at the end get it anyway (ex: Donner for Donna).

12. Finally, if your Mom didn’t teach you to drive in Boston then take a cab.

I hope that helps with some of the basics of Boston. Life, at the moment, is pandemonium here (without the pandas, of course, ‘cause the Franklin Park Zoo could only qualify for a polar bear). If any of you were thinking about visiting us then now is the best time to catch Bostonians in a good but sleepy mood. Strike while the winning is still possible because if it goes…, nah, I’m not gonna say it. Why taunt the ghosts?