Wizzy
Wizzy’s Wackyweed...Welcome to hell on wheels...
CHOCOLATE VS PMS
...............(side note....this was for Valentines Day but it got lost when I cleaned up my desk top of this wildass computer....so here it is a few days late...enjoy!)
PMS...........
Have you ever had one of “THOSE” cravings? You know the one I am talking about, the craving where you go to the nearest 7-11 at 3am in the morning for; yes you got it CHOCOLATE....
On the drive there you will stop at nothing to get your fix of Hershey bars and Ding Dongs. You will cut across four lanes of traffic almost side swiping 2 cars in the process, you slide your car in sideways into the parking lot as the dead on her feet 7-11 employee glares at you from bloodshot eyes.
The cars tires pop due to the impact of the curb you just slid in to as you leap out the window because the door wont open quick enough, your bathrobe flying open titties to the wind as you rush inside the store. Your pink bunny slipper sliding an begging you to slow down to get better traction. Froth flying from your chocolate deprived mouth, you forget your nakid as you rush up and down the isle grabbing everything and anything that has the words chocolate on the wrapper.
Your eyeballs are about to roll into the back of your head as the wrapper and all is shoved into your now newly formed Pez dispenser mouth. Just un-hinge that jaw honey and tip your head back and let it flow, M&M’s, Reese’s Pieces, Hershey Almond bars, Chocolate Cover Peanuts, to the stick to your teeth Heath Bars.
By the time you get to the counter your nakidness is covered in rich dark chocolate and you have just spent over 80 bucks on something that at this very second is better then sex! It’s CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
By the time all is said and done you have just spent 80 bucks of your rent money on candy and as you sit in your car after the clerk behind the counter bodily threw your wild frenzy ass out of her store so she could go back to sleep, you sit bloated washing it all down with a DIET Dr.Pepper.
Your chest is stained and slimy from the saliva dripping down the front of you, your fingers sticky and coated as well. The pop can is now a permanent fixture of your left hand and as you turn the key in the ignition with your right hand it stick’s to the keys with a Chocolate Charleston Chewy trapped between them, it’s the final climax you get as you drive slowly home.
Now we all know this COULD happen, maybe not to this extreme, but ya know there was a lady in Wisconsin years ago that killed her husband and claimed PMS and got off on the charges. When PMS hits a woman do all kinds of crazy shit.
So with that said......
We got to talking about PMS on our list this last week and well I kinda think its fitting here today because this is the one day of the year that there is more chocolate sold then any other time of the year! So one thing led to another and I decided to share these with you.... Valentines Day can be scary ifin ya don’t buy chocolate an roses for your love.... see the reasons below!
We came up with this idea, well me an Roughrider did, we decided to open our own business. Chocolate delivered 24/7. Can you imagine the money we would make when some poor woman wakes up at 2am, wanting, needing craving, DEMANDING chocolate or ice cream or something to help stop the PMS???? It might just save some poor suckers life....
Hell
even my hero Dolly sings about PMS..... Click image to play or right
click image to download..
(big mp3
file 5.38 meg)
So then the list went wild with PMS the same week....LMAO....so here is what they had to say about it.
Poor Tap seems to have suffered this week.... and we at the SandBox felt her wrath and all went into hiding.
“Just when everyone thought it was safe to come out and play in the Sandbox...guess again.
Wizard is sick and cranky.....A bit of a cold....my shoulder is still sore and to top it off......I woke up with the “CURSE”.
That's right DJ buddy ole pally.....cover your ears and hide under your bed. <g>
So give me back my wand!! When approaching me....approach with chocolate...and don't forget a sympathetic hug and hopefully I won't turn you into a toad. <g>
Don'tcha just love being a woman? Hehehe”
Signed
Tap the wizard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Shadylady being Shady sent the following out to the list... I added a few from ones I had heard along with those that few of my buddy ole pal’s sent me!
PMS - pretty miserable slut ------please....where can I find one?
PMS- pass more salsa -------it's in the frig. <g>
PMS -pray more silently ----------WHAT!! I CAN'T HEAR YOU....GOD SAID....
PMS-please move slowly------ If I move any slower, I'll be dead
PMS-Psychohosebeast Maniac Slob--------so....you've seen the Wizards' cave
PMS poor me syndrome -----YA!! Well love you too.....<g>
PMS - putting up with Mom's or Men's SHIT
PMS- PASS MY SHOTGUN!!!!!!
PMS: Potential Murder-Suicide
PMS: pretty mean shit
PMS: Pet Me Softly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then I sent out an email asking some of the people I know to tell me what PMS means to them....here’s what I got back......
Okay! Let's inventory the PMS emergency kit.
1. Midol
2. Chocolate
3. Box of Kleenex
4. Taser (in case the chocolate doesn't work)
5. DVD of a Hallmark movie
6. T-shirt which reads, "Getthefuckawayfromme"
7. "Water" pills
8. Another T-shirt which reads, "Ididn'tmeanitcomehereIneedahug"
9. Copy of the paperback book "Ju Jitsu in five lessons"
10. Third T-shirt which reads, "Youdon'tlovemeanymore"
11. Paid coupon for a spa treatment and massage
12. ??? (Maybe run for your life would work here...)
DJ
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well I can honestly say I don't crave chocolate like most do when PMS’ing. And killing people... Naw that is just way to bloody.
Now duct taping and super gluing them to the ceiling... now that’s an idea... Just stay clear of the ceiling fan... they don't really appreciate the blades whacking them in the head over and over and over again... plus the sound gets kind of annoying...T.Strtton
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmm......well...it has been a LONG time since I've had a "visitor" As the OLD women used to say!<lol> BUT...even tho there is no “visitor”...the PMS just rolls around like clockwork! <sigh> Everybody just knows to stay away from me........I am NOT a nice person. I rant and rave at Nothing.......
Chocolate is THE panacea for EVERYTHING......
MamMawStk
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the debate of PMS and chocolate, I will admit, I was never one to drown myself in chocolate, nor did I ever have cravings for it. Now salt on the other hand......there's a different ball game.
I don't even like salt, but when I'm due for my “visitor”......look out. Touch those chips and I'll rip your f#%$ing head off and toss it to the garbage without a second thought.
The kicker in all of this.......I don't like chips, they upset my tummy and there is nothing worse then a Wizard who doesn't feel well. I whine.....have any of you noticed? I demand cheese to go with that whine and it had better be Canadian and not that wussy Wisconsin stuff.....<eg>
(I’LL GET YA FOR THAT ONE TAP!!!!!LMAO damned Canook all you can brag about is Maple syrup!!!!!)
So the moral of this tale? While I'm PMS’ing keep me away from the chips, because I'll only get sick. Then again...you better be willing to be turned into a toad for doing it. <g>
Tap, the wizard
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well now, let's see.....if I can recall, PMS is when the love of my life looks at me, and I am ready to kick her ass, because I believe she is a "walking piece of insensitivity". Mind you, she has done nothing and said nothing, it's just the mere fact that she looks at me. I believe she has no clue what to say or not to say....and truth be known, at that moment I'm sure she doesn't. I have a mug that I carry around at that time; it says on it.... "PMS is nature's way of saying: Shut up! Shut up! Just Shut up and leave me alone!!” Could any mug be more perfect than that?! Let's see....all my clothes have shrunk; every driver in the city has their head up their ass (of course, that's on any given day); the two things I'd like to have most are a gun and a big-assed bat (and not the animal kind); my hair looks like shit, more so than usual; and my face has found a new zit! What more could one ask for?!!
Chocolate, on the other hand.....chocolate will never let you down. It will not leave you, desert you, or ignore you. It will keep you company while you sort out your troubles, and comforts you while it patiently melts in your mouth as you roll it around on your tongue, crunch it with your teeth, absorb it's sweetness with your taste buds and send it on it's way. As it melts there is that "moment of ecstasy"...ahhhhhhhh. It will not leave you unsatisfied; it will overwhelm your senses and sweep you off your feet. It will never make you cry. And it isn't fattening until the day after (and only if you overindulge).
After all, chocolate does contain Serotonin. And as we know, Serotonin is released in the brain when we are happy, in love, or in a state of passion. It also releases endorphins, which give us an immediate euphoric rush. Another little known fact: chocolate also contains a substance known as anandamide that mimics the effects of marijuana and boosts the pleasure you get when you eat chocolate! Hey, what a powerful little treat that is!!
So, does it not make sense that PMS requires chocolate to get us through without committing mass homicide?!
Jayne
(Side note this is from my sexy nurse...whom I love dearly and without her I’d be lost... but I would think it’s not ok to smoke pot (snicker)....so I guess I’ll be forced to stick with chocolate...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As for me and PMS????
I got those..... My ankles swell up, my boots don’t fit, I feel like an over stuff pepper in a sauna. It can be 90 outside and I got on a sweat shirt and sweat pants my teeth are chattering and I am ready to claw someone’s eyes out for even looking in my direction. I want to see heads flying blood spattering across my TV screen, my rings don’t fit, I can slap your face right off the side of your head from across the room without moving, where’s my heating pad and blankie, why are you looking at me in that tone of voice? I will slap the taste right out of your mouth for touching the chocolate cakes and candy bars sitting on the counter. The normal sarcastic wit becomes a razor sharp whip that would rip the ears off my partner for patting my hand telling me its ok to be bitchy, DON’T TOUCH ME I’M UGLY TODAY, hell even the deaf dog is hiding under the bed... PMS blues.....
So as you can see this Valentines Day buy a truck load of chocolate, it may save your life in more ways then one....So I leave you with the next road side billboard you will see....
Feb 22, 2005
Send all HATE mail to Wizzy44tc@yahoo.com
previous 3270
|
|