Germaphobe
by Wizz
 

Ya know I had this killer ramble about some damned subject which at this time I cant recall all lined up and well something better came along and I have to discuss this with yall....I want to talk about GERM’S, well to be more specific a germ-a-phoebe.  You have to ask what a germ-a-phoebe is. Well let me back track and explain a few things first...... That term was brought to my attention a long while back now over a discussion about touching and feeling the object of your desire. Be it a toy in a store or a first chance meeting of the woman of your dreams. I still say go for the toy as it will never wear out or stomp on your heart! Make sure that toy is stamped TONKA on it and you can never go wrong! 

Now as a child you’re told not to touch anything while in a store, to keep your hands in your pockets and not speak unless spoken to, then as young teenagers you’re told to wash your hands upon leaving the bathroom. Like you’ve just pee’d all over your fingers? Give me a break! Ok what about the bathroom door handle, you’re told not to touch anything, then how in the sam-hell you going to get out of the bathroom? Did your Gramma carry a wash clothe in her purse slightly dampened in a zip lock baggy? Mine did, the 4 of us kids were the cleanest kids in the damned state, or how about Dad an his spit shine on your dirty face, which made you throw up all over the jerks cowboy boots? 

Now growing up being told not to touch this or that would make one think that as adults we would still follow that rule that had been programmed into our heads. Most people still don’t, but not for me, now I do have that 3 foot rule and that still applies here, but sometimes you have no choice but to reach out and bitch slap the germ-a-phoebe who got in your way. I still find my self with my hands in my pockets as I wander through a store or even just walking along a side walk. Don’t touch is still to this day programmed in my head, No thanks to my parents! 

Have you ever wanted to hold something close to you and feel the silky texture of the surface or to feel the life beating in your hand as you caress the face of love? Or the strong desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that desperately deserves it? (Cant have anyone thinkin I’m sappy or anything like that!)  

Anyway, I think people need to reach out to one another; a smile or a touch can brighten someone’s day immensely.  To hold hands like lovers do, to hold hands on the first date or just in passing hold someone’s hand and smile, see if they don’t smile back!

Now a germ-a-phoebe would draw away from contact of a hand or a tender touch, they would lead sterile lives live in a sterile house and have sterile cats (now that sounds kinda sick). They would be their own worst critic, one that looks out a single hole between their butt cheeks instead of eyes filled with the love of life! Only when they opened that one eye ball would they be open for new viewpoints. And just maybe, they would see the world as a Cyclops did!  

Ya know as the T-shirt says....If you’re not the leader of the pack the view never changes. So way I see it you can be the butt pucker in life an wear sterile gloves or throw caution to the wind an reach out an touch someone....Damn that sounds like a telephone commercial don’t it? Or you could look at it this way.... as a friend of mine so delicately put it, don’t be so narrow minded that a gnat standing on the bridge of your nose could kick both your eye balls in! 

See as the New Years comes in with the explosion of fire works, (I got a case of them along with a 5 gallon can of gas, but that’s for another story.) Maybe we all need a little more kindness and hugs in our lives. I am not speaking for me but for others that is, the 3 foot rule still applies here! 

Oh, who the hell am I kidding here? I mean I think about my little brother, the kid who would scream bloody murder if his hands were dirty, this was as a baby he would cry and hold his tiny fingers apart and scream. I am not talking a cry or even a wail, nope not this little boy he would shake the pictures off the wall, shriek, hiccup and alligator tears would fall until you wiped off his sticky fingers. I guess he gets that from his dad, this being a man who won’t eat ribs off the bone due to getting his hands dirty!  

Go into a restaurant and watch the wait staff handle glasses from the top of it as they shove it front of your face, slamming it down in front of you, by the rim of the glass, right where you plant your luscious lips to drink. You know damned well they just wiped their nose with that same hand back in the kitchen! GAG ME! Its then you spot the old faded but still present hooker red lip stick ring, as the glass tips back and forth in front of you threatening to spill all over the table and down into your lap. 

Ooo, how about those foreign countries that eat bugs like women here in the U.S. eat chocolate? I mean come on wouldn’t the bugs give you a bad case of some disease I can’t even begin to spell here? Or how about the asshole who sneezes in his hand then expects you to shake that same hand? 

Or how about those little, square, nose closing, gut wrenching, stench smelling, tall boxes we call Honey Buckets? You know the ones, they are not big enough to even wipe your ass let alone pull down your pants to relieve the agonizing pressure of the alcohol you have consumed. Or maybe some of you who are lost will know they are also called Port-a-Potties.... I mean the hole is still the same as the one in your bathroom at home; can’t you hit a hole the size of a basketball sitting down? Must you feel the need to dibble all over the front and edges? Have you not read the sign that says....

 “If you dribble when you piddle, please be neat and wipe the seat!” 

Or how about when you go to your favorite coffee shop and order up a steaming hot cup of tea or coffee and when you finally reach the bottom you are warm and toasty. Then it happens.... you look in the now empty mug and see the stains, left from years of abusive lips slurping up the liquid from this mug. What do you do?  Do you demand a fresh mug or ask for your money back and run outside in the alley and cough up the offensive fluids? I will tell you, next time bring your own refillable mug from home! That’s a no brainer there aint it? 

Or better yet has your room-mate or a family member opened a jug out of the fridge that has science projects growing in it, smells a jug an gags an with their eyeballs watering worse then the Mississippi River flows, turns to you and asks as they shove it in front of your nose, “Think this milk is any good?” Hell no you fuckwad it has chunks in it for God’s sakes, you manage to croak out between gasps of air trying not to yack on the kitchen floor. 

Let’s talk about hugs, how about the person next to you in church or at some family function who don’t believe in a little square white bar we call SOAP, who insists on hugging you or pinching your cheek, with grubby fat fingers while telling you how cute you look all dolled up in your Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes? You hold your breath and hope to hell you don’t barf down the back of that tweed suit coat that’s seen its better days back in the early 1800’s! You quickly scurry outside to inhale fresh air while the stench clings to your nose hairs! Well you should have trimmed them before leaving the house ya fool! 

So while your out drinking an guzzling down the fire water that makes you turn into the asshole who thinks they can sing and will be the next Star Search Queen, grab the wench next to you, even if ya don’t know her, give her a New Years kiss, run your tongue down her throat just like a tongue depressor, just don’t let your wife see this though, that couch in the living room has seen it better days!  

Make sure you have a mini travel size Scope Mouth Wash in your left pocket and the handy wipes in your right pocket, keep the spray disinfectant ever ready in your cell phone case, grasp a strangers hand and shake it like there’s no tomorrow. When you get home, make sure to use a Brillo Pad and lye soap mixed with bleach before entering the house. Grab the garden hose to wash off the germs transferred by that hand shake, and the lip stick off your collar of that white silk shirt. 

No in all seriousness please be safe this New Years and remember to spread a little love, or should I say GERM’S???? 

And remember, DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!! It is the leading cause to alcohol abuse. Spilling a drink on the seat of your faux leather car seat can create mold when spring arrives! 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I am late getting this posted.... but hey it is still a New Year is it not?