Ok, so last night, I finally get into my bed, I am so tired my eyes don’t even stay open for a second.  I have two girls in bed with me, one curled up against my back and one lying sprawled out in front of me, my arm is lightly wrapped over her and we are happy to finally be in bed, talk about being in heaven.  I could not have been in bed for more than a half hour when BANG!!  I heard this god awful noise below our bed room window.  I sprang from my bed grabbing the clothes thrown on the floor as I went; one of the girls hit the floor and proceeded to crawl under the bed, the other one just rolled over with a sigh of contentment as she now had the bed all to herself.  

By now my heart was in a race for its life and I was beginning to sweat.  Who was breaking into our home in the middle of the night, let alone on top of a mountain?  Help of any kind would take hours in reaching us!  I hastily dressed pulling on a white wife beater, a pair of boxers while quickly finding my deck-hand slip on shoes, I ran for Shadylady’s bedroom, 

“Did you hear that?” I whispered as Shadylady rolled towards me laying her trashy dime-store smut book aside. 

“Nope, what’s wrong?” She asked. 

“There’s someone outside my bedroom window.”  

“Where’s the pistol?” She asked as she jumped out of bed with a look of fright on her face.  I looked toward heaven, thank Gods, she slept in clothes! 

Without blinking I ran back down the hallway and into my office, tripping over boxes not yet unpacked, I managed to get to the closet and pulled my case of firearms out.  Quickly I unlatched it and grabbed my rifle.  I slipped the shells in it and pulled back the hammer.  I was ready so we staggered downstairs. 

“Grab the flashlight, will you?” I hissed between breaths of deep air.  I can hear Shady fumbling behind me with the flashlight. 

“Son of a bitch, this God damned thing is dead.” She whispers as I look back to see her shaking it.  Like that’s going to help dead batteries?  

“Oh for Christ’s sakes.  Get the other one.” I mumbled as we slowly make our way down the stairs.  

“It’s in the dining room.” I hear her say inches behind me.  

“Fine!  We’ll grab it soon as, I make sure the room doesn’t have someone in it.  And stop crowding me for fucks sakes.  I have a loaded gun in my hands.” I hissed again through clenched teeth.  She knows fully well, ya don’t touch me if I don’t want you too.  I was in a cold sweat by this time as I shoved the end of the barrel into the dining room which is just off the stairs.  

“Clear.” I said as Shady reaches over the dog gate and picks up the flashlight.  I had always wanted to say that.  I smiled to myself while resting the barrel of the gun on my shoulder so as not to be tempted to shoot Shady.  I felt like I was in a “Law & Order: S.V.U.” TV show.  I moved the barrel of the gun once again off my shoulder and pointed it in front of me as I make the turn to go into the library.  I stop just outside of the open doorway and peak inside.  The fish tank is the only thing moving. 

 “Hey Fat Fred is dead.” I said to Shady as I move on to the hallway into the kitchen.  Who ever was in our house had killed my goldfish!  Now I was ready to shoot anything that moved.  Poor Fred, I would have to give him a nice funeral and make sure I flushed twice so he would go down!  

I trained the barrel of my 10/22 Rutgers which is filed down to be fully automatic, it’s the last model they made that could be filed down (and yes I know its an altered weapon and very much so against the law...sue me!), into the kitchen and no one was eating my leftover chicken alfredo, so I sighed a sigh of relief.  It was on into the living room next.  The only thing moving in there was the huge-ass 44 gallon fish tank, no floating dead things in this tank.  Damn I needed to add water to it, making a mental note to add water; I headed for the patio door.  Shady is still right on my heels with her flashlight.  I should have shot her for what she did next.  She takes this flashlight and shoves it up against the window overlooking our garage down below the second story.  Now I about peppered her ass full of .22 shells, nothing like warning whom-ever might be out there we are looking for them.  Where the hell is the Amazon Nation when ya need them? 

So the hell with it, I flipped on the flood lights out over the yard yanked open the patio door and jumped out on the deck.  Wildly training the gun side to side I felt like Rambo, where were my head-band, army fatigues and face paint?   

Shady is leaning out over the railing, one of these days she’s going to get shot!  We went back in the house and it was then we realized, none of the doors in this old house lock, well, except for the front door which we lock every night on our way to bed.  So we took the doggie gate and fit it into the sliding patio door so it could not be slid open from the outside.  Oh hell, ifin someone wanted in bad enough they’d just break the glass.  What the hell was I thinking?  Maybe I am just not cut out to play Rambo at 2 AM in the morning! 

So with all the upper levels of this house clear, it was off to the basement to make sure no one had gotten into our garage, which by the way, don’t lock either.  Now you may ask, where in the samhell, are the 6 dogs we have?  More on them in a little bit.  So we slowly open the door to the basement, remind me to spray it with some 10w40 oil.  That fucker makes too much noise, not a good way to sneak up on someone who’s not welcomed in our house! 

Slowly I take each step; I am convinced I heard the garage door open, as it is right below my bed room window.  So with each step I take, my hand shake’s just a little bit more than they did when I first loaded my rifle.  And why in the hell did I not turn on the red laser light scope on the top of the barrel?  I surely wasn’t thinking clearly, that’s damned for sure!  

“Look, I am gonna yank open the door and you reach in and flick on the light.” I whispered when Shadylady didn’t understand my hand signals. Yes, I think I will be signing her up for hunter safety classes, so she could learn the hand signals for next time someone tried breaking into our home!  

I yanked open the door and waited for her to turn on the lights and I waited, after waiting for a few seconds, which seemed like hours, I turned to see her cleaning the flashlight lens off.  

“Psssssst.” I hissed at her still waiting for her to turn on the lights.  

“What?” She looked down at me from the top of the stairs. 

“Turn on the light.” By now I was beyond tempted to shoot her!  In this world it’s kill, or be killed and she was worried about the dirt on the fucking flashlight!  I gave up on her and turned on the light and looked around in our garage to see… NOTHING!  That’s right; the last room in our house and no one had broken in! It was then we realized the basement door locks from the inside; someone had taken the time to remove the door handle and put it on backassward’s! Note to self to remove it and place it on the correct way in the morning! 

So there I was, my white wife beater shirt on inside out, my boxer shorts were on backassward’s and a rifle in my hands with the safety still on.  Like I was going to shoot someone with it locked in place?  I shook my head and went back up stairs locking the front door on my way to my bedroom, put the rifle back in its case grabbed my pistol and loaded it, tucked in the drawer beside my bed, shoved the wonderful guard dogs off the bed and climbed back into the warmth of my covers.  I felt them one by one jump back on the bed, 

“Some protectors you clown’s are!  Hell, I could have been kilt and y’all would have slept right through it!” I mumbled as I laid there trying to go back to sleep.  So as of this writing, I am headed to town for new door locks and garage door latches.  This place will be as safe as Fort Knox, by the time I am done!  Wait, didn’t that fort get robbed?  Oh well, it is off to the bigass orange warehouse for supplies!  Hope y’all have a good week!  

Wizzy 

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And just when you thought things were safe again….you should be in my shoes!  Now this is the very next night after the non-burglar-Rambo-pistol packing lesbo attempt.  I was snuggled once again in my bed, the AC on high, a fan blowing gently across my bed and two wonderful girls once again cuddle up tight against me!  When all at once, I hear from far off down the hall way… 

“YOU GODDAMNED SONOFABITCHES, THE FUCKING POWER KEEPS GOING OUT!!”  Now this is poor Shadylady, whom I thought was also tucked in bed once again reading her smutty, trashy, love’em, leave’em, hate’em, nothing but sweaty, sex books.  BOY was I wrong!!!!!  

Well, what could I do, but yell back? 

“You got too much shit plugged into that socket, unplug something and try it again.” By this time the power had come back on. So I hear lot of nasty swearing and I realized there would be a tempter tantrum ifin things didn’t get fixed soon!  So she yells down the hall, she had unplugged everything but the AC unit and I hear her yell good night.  I smiled as the house went quiet once more, ahhhhh, maybe now I would get some sleep.  I waited for her light to go off as it shines right down the hall into my room.  Any light source at all, will bother me when trying to sleep; maybe I should just find a coffin to start sleeping in it, like Dracula does?  Anyways, where was I?  Oh yes… I can see enough into Shady’s bedroom that I could see her arm reach out an as her finger’s go to touch the touch off lamp, she misses and at the same second the power goes off once again.  This is where it gets really bad… 

“Jesus H. Christ on a goddamned cracker, I will never get any fucking sleep if this Goddamned shit keeps up. I am going downstairs and unplug the fucking dehumidifier, maybe that’s what’s blowing the fucking circuits!”  

I figure, I am not going to get any sleep unless we resolve the problem, so she can sleep with her AC on.  So I get up, flipping one of the girls off the bed and receive a nasty growl of dis-pleasure-ment. (Is this really a word?  Who cares it works here don’t it!)  I grabbed my clothes off the side of the bed and go to help, about this time; I was shrouded in total darkness.  The power had once again failed.  I stood there and yelled at Shady to grab a flash light,  

“The batteries are dead you asshole and I just stubbed my mother fucking baby toe on the door frame!” She screams back at me from the bottom of the steps! 

“Well what the hell you doing by the front door?” I stifled the fit of giggles; it would only ensue a wrath of cuss words in my direction. 

“Getting the fucking flashlight, you so conveniently left out on the fucking front porch.” I hear the front door bang open and her house slippers beating a path to the bag, I had left on the front porch from a Wal-Mart run this afternoon. 

“Hey, I didn’t want my freaking popsicles to melt.  Sweet Pee loves them ya know.” I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from laughing as I hear her fighting the wrapping on the flashlight.  Hey, a woman’s dogs are the most important thing in her life! 

“I swear they make these fucking things, fucking childproof.”  

I follow Shady into the kitchen and she shoves a blue flashlight at me and I casually rip it open. “Childproof, my ass!” I mumbled as I stuffed the batteries in it and turn it on! I watch with half opened eyeballs as she struggles with her red one, all the while trying not to laugh at her clumsiness.  I know, she has been working beaucou, hours at work and oftentimes, not getting home till after 7 or 8pm.  But there’s no sympathy in my world.  So I snag the damned thing out of her hand, rip open the package and shove batteries in it. 

Now you’ve read the above about the basement, well this time I let Shady take the lead, it is not often I am a girlie girl wussy about things, but electrical is where I draw the line.  I just followed the swearing and carrying-on downstairs for the fun of it.  See by this time, I am under the influence of nightquil and am happy as a clam in the sea, wouldn’t care ifin the house burnt down about now, I was ready for beddy-bye.  Through half open eyeballs, I watch as she checks each breaker and as she slams the door shut on the electrical box, 

“Not one of these goddamned fuckers are flipped off.  We must have something wrong outside.” She stomps on by me and heads once again upstairs and out the front door.  

By this time, all 6 kids are up and wondering what’s going on, oh sure the little bastards would let a burglar break in our house last night, but the second the AC goes out, they are up wondering what’s wrong.  So I follow the pack up to the front door and realize the neighbors don’t have any lights on like they normally do.  Shady is once again in the house a’cussin and a’swearin, at everything and anything.  Man, I feel sorry for the girls at work, when she hits the office door tomorrow morning!  She’s going to be a bitch on wheels with no sleep in two days!  I put my one good ear to the ground and hear a sigh-reeeen (southern translation for you Yankee’s means a fire truck or possibly a ambulance or both) I walked back inside grabbed the keys to my truck and said to Shady, 

“Come on; let’s go see ifin we can see what’s going on.”  

Now where I come from this is against the law and you can and would be arrested for being a chaser.  But after last night I realize, it’s not down here in the south, this is their one hobby they have besides pig farming!  So out to my truck we go, oh hell, I forgot I had stuff in the back seat of the crew cab!  And of course, I don’t dare bring Dingo-Boo back into the house she’d rip up the leather sofa, cuz she didn’t get to ride in mom’s truck!  I told Shady we would take her Tahoe (besides she had more gas than my truck); off we tore down our tiny mountain path and out into the blackness that had fallen over the Gap!  Dingo-Boo in the back seat her head out the winder (southern for Window, ifin youse guys are Yankee that is!). 

This is one time I wished I was a dog, I did not have me glasses on and I was higher than God on nightquil!  Why wasn’t Shady driving you ask?  Cuz she was in her jammies and her slippers!  Come to think of it, so was I, so skip that question.  So with titties to the wind, we raced off our mountain and out onto the main road.  We went to the left and came to the main highway, nothing this way, so we turned around and went back the way we had just come. 

Low and behold, we come upon many red lights and tons of chasers standing around smoking cigarettes and talkin’ bout’ how they’s done heer’d it on the poe-leece scanner.  I turned to Shady, 

Damn, we’s done gots to get us one of those!” OMG I was turning southern!  Kill me now!   

So we sit there in the Tahoe, arguing who would get out and find out what's going on our conversation went something like this… 

“I'm not getting out, I got my jammies on” Shady. 

“Well so do I!” I said. 

“I got no bra on.” Shady. 

“Me either and my shirt is white and almost transparent.” Me, as I look down to my white wife beater which is once again inside out. 

“You get out walk up there and find out what’s going on.” Shady. 

“No and stop telling me what to do and I don’t have any gods be damned smoke’s with me.” I growled   

“Come on, hurry up for they haul off the wreck and we don’t get to find out what’s going on.” Shady. 

“You’re not going to let up are you?” Me, as I hang my head because I know she wont shut up till I get out an go find out what’s going on. 

“No and roll up the winders so Boo don’t jump out to foller you.” She snidely remarks in her halfassed southern voice, (maybe my being a Yankee has rubbed off, cuz she is half understandable at times!), I shove the door open to climb out.  See Dingo-Boo has anxiety separation syndrome, she can’t stand to be out of my sight.  So I rolled up all the winders except Dingo’s, so she can poke her head out enough to still see me and took the fucking keys with me.  Let the old lady sweat while I stand in the cool night air!  Bra or not, I wasn’t gonna sit there and listen to her rag on me till we ended up pummeling each other bloody in front of the Rocky and Bullwinkle EMT’s! 

I walked up to our neighbor I recognized and said, “Evening.”  

He replied with something I wasn’t sure of, but I think it was his way of saying hello.  I have so got to get me a dictionary for southerners!  I asked him if he knew what was going on and again, I caught half of what he was saying.  But the gist of it was a car or maybe a truck, rolled down in the ditch and flipped over knocking out an electrical pole and transformer.  See where we live if the corner says 25 MPH ya goddamned well better do it, these corners are worse than anything I've ever seen in my life.  Anyways, I figured I better go back and let Shady have a bit of fresh air.  So I crawled back into the truck and rolled down her window as she panted and carried on at how hot it was.  

“Oh hell, ya asshole, we just got home from Vegas, this is not hot and it feels good to me.  So shut up.” I mumbled and wiped my glazed over eyeballs wishing for the millionth time I had brought my smokes with me. See to me it being 89 out is a lot better then 110 in the shade like it was last week in Vegas! 

“Let’s go, there’s nothing to see here, but a bunch of red necks and flashing lights.” Shady snips at me. 

“Yeahup, but aint theys puuuurdeee?” I drawl out at her trying my best to mimic her.  

“Fine… if we are gonna do anything let’s go around this from the back roads and come up on the other side and see if we can see any dead bodies.”  Now Shady, being a nurse for the last billion decades is kinda a morbid old bag. 

“Ok.” I put the Tahoe in drive and turned around. We began the long 35 minute trek back the other way to a road that will bring us up on the accident from the other side.  

“You better slow down there's lots of deer out tonight.” Shady gasps as I slid around an almost perfect 360 curve. 

“Ya know there's a rule to riding with me; do you in your feeble old mind recall the rules to my driving?” I spouted off as I braked a hard right onto Copers Pane Road. 

“Yes I do, but this isn’t your truck, ya know.”

“ Number one rule, get in.  Number two rule sit down, and number three, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HANG ON!” It was then I realized, “Eh you got any money on ya?” I was hoping the tiny market up the road would be open for a soda. (To you southerners that would be a coke.) 

“No, do you?” She looked at me. 

“Hell no, I am in silk shorts and a wife beater.  Sorry but my change must have fallen out of the invisible in pockets.  Was she for real?  In THESE shorts she thinks I could carry money? 

“Ya know I don’t even have my pocket book with me.” She says almost in amazement that she forgot it. 

“Ya mean that hugeass thing you carry, which by the way, is actually a femmie-foo-foo PURSE!”  

“It’s not a purse, you Dipshit.  It’s a pocket book.” She says in a pissed tone. 

“Oh here we go again; you’re such a girlie girl and won’t admit ya carry a purse.” I smiled into the darkness knowing this would bring on a tirade of evil and ugly slurs towards me. 

“At least my wallet don’t have a 12 foot chain on it.” She spouted back.  Man she must either be tired, or getting old, what a come back that was! 

“Hey at least MY wallet didn’t get ripped off in Vegas.  I told you over and over shut the damned thing up, that’s what the fucking zippers are for!  But NOoo!!!  You leave it open and lose all your cash!” I smiled so smugly to myself.  See, we banter like this all the time, it helps with the daily frustrations of life, so we just abuse each other. Hey it’s better than her going into work and verbally assaulting someone there, isn’t it?  And the only ones I've got to talk to all day can only bark or pee on my shoes!  So it equals out for both of us. 

“Ya know I don’t have my wallet or driver’s license either.  Boy, I hope we don’t get stopped by some red necked cop, or we are both screwed.” I slowed down to a slower speed and hoped for the best.  We saw a lot of deer on the drive and even laughed at just how crazy we are to be out at 2:30 in the morning riding around to see power lines and a flipped over truck in a ditch.  Now I mentioned Dingo-Boo was with us, another rule to ridding with me and my kids is, DONT TAP ON THE WINDER….Dingo jumps side to side then looking for the cows, I mean, come on, she is a cattle dog after all!  So Shady gets this bright idea to shine deer with the flashlight she still had a death grip on.  Well Dingo spots the deer she was shining and flipped out.  She began barking and carrying on and about tore the winders out. 

“Damnit, what are you doing?  You know she goes nuts when you do that.” I about snapped her head off and was wishing I did have my truck as I’d use the pistol that lays between the seats on her right then and there! 

“Oh fuck, I forgot she was with us.” She replied trying to hide the snicker in her voice. 

“Besides if a cop came up and you were shining deer they would haul us to jail and Boo to the pound and they would impound your vehicle and who would we call to throw our bail?  We don’t know a soul in this town.  So put the flashlight away.” I was about at the end of my rope.  I could hardly see through nightquil induced eyeballs there were deer everywhere and I was creeping along at less then 45mph! “I don’t care if they impound your truck, but I would surely get more offenses if they took my Boo from me, like say resisting arrest and assaulting an officer of the law to name a few.  So quit while you’re ahead.” 

“Hmmm, Shady, when's the last time you checked the oil on this?” I looked at the dash lights and the oil light had come on. 

“Oh I don’t know, you normally check it.”  

“No, I haven’t driven this is months, not since I got the truck. You know this uses oil and you should at least check it once a week.” 

“Well so, I forgot, I've been busy.” 

“OK so what time you going into to work tomorrow?” I asked knowing fully well I would be taking the damned Tahoe in for an oil change.  I can’t believe the words to come out of my mouth next, “Why don’t you take my truck and I can take yours in to have an oil change?” My gods shoot me I just offered to let her use my truck! 

“OH hell, I don’t know.  I don’t have my pocket book with me, so I don’t know what time my first meeting is.” 

“Oh great, here we go again.  It’s a PURSE dammit.” I held my laughter in check as I knew she would come back on me for calling the huge bag with two handles a billion pockets and lots of zipper’s a purse. 

“I am not having this conversation with you again, it’s a pocket book.” 

“Oh no it is not… it’s exactly like the one my Gramma carries and SHE calls it a purse.”  

“That explains it all, yes so very clearly…” 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” I snarled back at her. 

“It splains it, cause y’all ar Goddammed Yankee’s.  And they’s talks funny up thata away.” 

“Hey, I resemble that remark.  And it’s not a Goddammed Yankee, it’s a Damned Yankee.  And you still carry a purse, ya femmie-foo-foo.” 

“Oh shut your pie-eating-cake-hole, I can see the fire truck lights.” Shadylady replied with her nose pressed up against the glass of the winder.  I am glad it was her Tahoe we had and not my truck, she was leaving greasy nose prints on.  

We finally made it to where the accident was and they had it blocked off, although we could still see the truck down in the ditch and all the power lines draped over it.  I pulled up as far as the EMT would let me and rolled down my window. 

“Sorry Ma’am, we done gots us a flipper wit wires down we aint gonna let y’ll go on by.  Y’ll gots to turn round an heed on the this hear’s road to Poteeters, an take a right an go till y’ll see that John Deere in Billybob’s front yard, that’s whar y’all hang a right an foller tha’ to the highway.  Y’ll keen get home from thar, cain’t ya?” 

“Yes sir, I can do that, was anyone hurt tonight?” You mean to tell me you got a dolphin in the ditch?  I thought to myself while trying hard not to giggle like a fool. 

“Naw they done walk’t up to Joey’s how-se ta call us, just the damned puwer lines is down is all.  Y’ll drive safe, an watch fur them deers.” He tips his baseball cap at me and walks away. 

Well I had all I could do not to laugh hysterically while Shadylady sat looking out the window...er excuse me, winder, trying not to snicker.  

“And you think us Yankee’s talk so terribly bad, at least we enunciate our words correctly.” I snorted to Shady as we turned around in the Methodist Church, 

“Ya know Shady, now you can say, you’ve done been to church.” 

“I am glad the fire truck is sitting in the parking lot.” 

“Why is that?” I looked at her like she had just grown a third eyeball. 

“Because if we set foot in there, it would surely burn to the ground.” 

“Ha-ha, you’re a laugh a minute.” 

So we turned around and headed for the roads he talked about. After another 30 minutes or so, we finally made it to our drive way.  When I turned into our ‘U’ shaped driveway our lights came on.  So we had our AC back and it was now 3:30am.  By the time I got into bed and settled in it was 4:45am.  Ya know there has never been a time in my life I wanted so badly to smash the living hell out of the alarm clock than at 7am.  I will be up and having coffee at 7am, have to take Shadylady’s Tahoe in to get an oil change!  I will bring this to a close as my eyeballs are about to close permanently.  Have a good night my friends!!!!!!  If anyone is able to translate what the hell that EMT said, I would be happy to hear from you!  I still wonder half the time what they are actually saying to us northerners.  It’s a southern thing I guess, someone told me just yesterday (a Yankee mind you) that a southern woman “can be sweet as pie while they hack your arm off, so you don’t feel bad about it!” Anyone know where I can buy a dictionary to translate southernism? 

 Wizzy 

PS: I want to thank Mary Cheerio’s for proofing this for me(sorry my Darlin’ but I added more after ya sent it back so neatly corrected so any mistakes I will take all the blame for) and DJ my sexy darling stud-muffin for sending me some southern translations! And to Capt. Esq for the “Sweet as pie, I am gonna hack off your arm!”  

Should you feel the need to see just how southern or just how much of a Yankee y’ll are go to this site and take the little quiz they have….LMAO. 

Southern or Yankee..... 

http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/southernese.html 

And to close this one’s from DJ….. 

I know what you mean about speaking Southernese.  I've been learning the dialect slowly, and it never ceases to amaze me with its marvelous, descriptive quality.  My favorite expression is 'up-side the head', as in "If'n you do that there thing again, ah'm a-gonna slap you up-side the head".  Very descriptive, isn't it?  I can just picture it!  Somehow, it's so much more defining than the Brooklynese, "M*****F*****, I'm gonna put a cap in yer F****** ass!" 

Let's see... you need some Southernese terms defined.  Here they are: 

Ma'am:  term of respect, spoken to a female. 

Suh:  term of respect, spoken to a male. 

Ah shore am partial to yuh:  You got boobs and a pickup truck. (Particularly spoken to females who own bass boats.) 

Ah heered dat:  I agree with you. 

Ain't dat some shit:  general exclamation of glee. 

Chicken-fried steak:  I still haven't figured this one out yet, but I'm on the lookout for a chicken that fries steaks. 

Mess o' greens:  boiled lawn clippings, flavored with a variety of nice spices, etc. to make them palatable. Greens always come in a unit of measurement called a "mess", never a cup, or a bowl, or... well, you get the idea. 

Sheeee--it !:  General exclamation covering a variety of occurrences. 

Daisy Dukes:  a pair of drastically-cut off blue jeans that women wear.  How they actually get into them is still a mystery, as they appear much too small to zipper or snap. Some scholars suggest that they are merely painted on, but I suspect that the proper fastening of this clothing item is a secret passed down from mother to daughter. 

Nass--kar: the predominant religion in the southern United States (college football runs a close second).  In rituals of worship in both religions, the faithful gather in large groups and drink a lot of beer.  A lot.  The high priests of nass-kar drive around in a circle for hours at speeds exceeding a hundred miles an hour, and are considered minor gods for the effort.  As a reward for their bravery, girls will often seek out these minor gods and offer to demonstrate how their "daisy dukes" are unfastened. 

Can o' whup--ass:  What someone who has issues with you threatens to open up on you. 

Genr'l Lee:  Founder of the modern south and warrior-hero of legend.  According to oral traditions, this legendary god once vanquished a race of fierce, blue-clad invaders from the north. 

Done did:  Past tense. 

Earl:  petroleum-based lubricant for engines. 

Double-wide:  prefabricated dwelling, common in this region.  Unfortunately, they seem to have a propensity for attracting tornadoes, which are also common in this region.  Tornadoes and divorces are the two most common reasons for someone losing a double-wide. 

Deptee:  a law-enforcement officer. 

Deer:  1) an herbivore common to this region, hunted for its meat.  2) A familiar term for one's spouse.  Both are allowed to be shot, under certain circumstances. 

Mee-Maw:  a term of endearment for one's grandmother. 

Maw:  mother. 

Paw:  father.  Often, his identity is unsure, however.

 

Pris'n:  institution surrounded by a tall fence, usually where the Paw resides. 

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This one is from my favorite Yankee nurse! LOVE you Jayne Honey!!!!! 

Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting individuality. ...  "Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah."  

Ast: To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine.... "Don't ast me so many question. It makes me mad."  

Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired.....   "Pass me attair gravy, please"  

Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines. ....   "Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl."  

Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit..... "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."  

Bleeve: _Expression of intent or faith....."Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday."  

Cent: Plural of cent..... "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."  

Co-cola: The soft drink that started in Atlanta and conquered the world..... "Ah hear they even sell Co-cola in Russia."  

Cyst: To render aid..... "Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am."  

Dayum: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind"..... "Frankly,my dear, I don't give a dayum."  

Everwhichaways: To be scattered in all directions....."You should have been there when the train hit attair chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways.  

Far: A state of combustion that produces heat and light....."Ah reckon it's about time to put out the far and call in the dawgs."  

Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant..."If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."  

Fur: Measure of distance....."It's a fur piece ta Etlanna."  

Fur: Because of or to indicate possession....."Fur yew ta get attair new car yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan."  

Good ole boy: Any Southern male between age 16 and 60 who has an amiable disposition and is fond of boon companions, strong drink, hound dawgs, fishin', huntin', and good lookin' women, but not necessarily in that order... " Bubba's a good ole boy."

Griyuts: What no Southern breakfast would be without - grits...."Ah like griyuts with butter and sawt on'em, but Ah purely love'em with red-eye gravy."  

Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna. (Atlanta) ......   "General Sherman said "War is Hale" and he made sure it was."  

Hep: to aid or benefit....."Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you."  

Idinit: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't..... "Mighty hot today, idinit?"  

Jew: Did you. ......."Jew want to buy attair comic book, son, or just stand there and read it here?"  

Kumpny: Guests........ "Be home on time. We's havin' kumpny for supper."  

Law: Police, or as Southerners pronounce it, PO-leece. ........."We better get outta here. That bartender's dun called the law."  

Likker: Whiskey; either the amber kind bought in stores or the homemade white kind that federal authorities frown upon......" Does he drink? Listen, he spills more likker than most people drink.'  

Mash: To press, as in the case of an elevator button. ...."Want me to mash yo floor for you, Ma'am?"  

Muchablige: Thank you...... "muchablige for the lift, mister."  

Nawthun: Anything that is not Southern...... "He is a classic product of the superior Nawthun educational system." (sarcasm)  

Ovair: In that direction...... 'Where's yo paw, son?" He's ovair, suh."  

Phraisin: Very cold...... "Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."  

Plum: Completely..... "Ah'm plum wore out."  

Retch: To grasp for...... "The right feilder retch over into the stands and caught the ball."  

Saar: The opposite of sweet. ....."These pickles Sure are saar."  

Shovelay: A GM car...... "Nobody could drive a Shovelay like Junior Johnson."  

Sinner: Exact middle of. ......"Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner."  

Shugah: A kiss...... "Come here and give me some shugah."  

Tarred: Fatigued. ...."Ah'm too tarred to go bowlin' nonight."  

Tar Arns: A tool employed in changing wheels..... "You cain't change a tar without a tar arn."  

Uhmurkin: Someone who lives in the United States of Uhmurka....... "Thomas Jefferson was a great Uhmurkin."  

War: Metal strands attached to posts to enclose domestic animals. ....."Be careful and don't get stuck on that bob war."  

Whup: To beat or to strike. ......."OOOEEE!!! Yer mama's gonna whup you fer sayin' a cuss word."  

Yankee shot: A Southern child's navel........ "Momma, what's this on mah belly?" "That's yo Yankee Shot." Zat: Is that. "Zat yo dawg?"  

BARD - verb: Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."...... "My brother bard my pickup truck."  

JAWJUH - noun: A highly flammable state just north of Florida......... "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."  

MUNTS - noun: A calendar division....... "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."  

IGNERT - adjective: Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."....... "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"  

RANCH - noun: A tool..... "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

BAHS - noun: A supervisor......"If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"  

TIRE - noun: A tall monument.........."Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eifel Tire in Paris sometime."  

HOT - noun: A blood-pumping organ......HOD- adverb: Not easy...... "A broken hot is hod to fix."  

RETARD - Verb: To stop working....."My granpaw retard at age 65."  

RATS - noun.:Entitled power or privilege....... "We Southerners are willing to fight for our rats." (Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class's study of the "War of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees as the "Civil War"), she showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)  

LOT - adjective: Luminescent...."I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."  

FARN - adjective: Not local....."I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."  

DID - adjective: Not alive....."He's did, Jim."  

EAR - noun: A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA)...."He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"  

JU-HERE - a question......"Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach, Jimmy Johnson, recently toured the University of Alabama?"  

HAZE - a contraction...."Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."  

SEED - verb: visualized.....VIEW: question, have you?...."I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"  

HEAVY DEW - phrase: A request for action...."Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"  

WARSH - verb: To clean.....SQUARSH - noun: A vegetable (also verb - to flatten)...."Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"  

GUMMIT - Noun: An often-closed bureaucratic institution....."Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"  

Cole's Law: Thinly shredded cabbage 

And if a southerner says: “Waw’ch dis….” RUN for your life. Cuz it aint gonna be pretty! Someone is sure to be hurt. 

Y'all Kum bak now, ya'heah?!!