Its not often I say something like this...ok so only maybe every other day or so... but...I HATE SKINNY WOMEN!!!!!! Yes you heard me I HATE YOU...the commercials on TV...I am a size TWO? Give me a freaking break, you need a sandwich BITCH!

Let me explain why I say this: 

I had this party I was supposed to attend, it was a Christmas party, which I hate Christmas too but that’s a whole different ramble. See this dear friend of mine asked me to go to her party at her folk’s house. So what could I do but say yes? Knowing in the back of my mind a T-shirt an a cut off sweat shirt an holey jeans with heavyass work boots wouldn’t be appropriate. I had nothing to wear to go to this party! So the day OF the party I hurry on down to Wal-Mart to find something to throw on. That was my second mistake, first being agreeing to go.

So here I am 4 hours before this thing in Wal-Mart...shopping...which I almost hate as bad as skinny women, ok sometimes even worse. I hunt an pick through dress pants in the men's section as I know what size I wear in men’s jeans so why not just take the easy road and buy a pair of men’s slacks an dress shirt an be done with it? WRONG!!! 

See not one pair was in my size: all were too big, too long or too small. So I find a pair the right size in the waist but to long in the legs. I took a chance and tried them on; nope that’s a no go on those. I did find a shirt I liked so it was a start. I went back to the men's section to look one more time, nope no luck all were wrong. By this time I've been there for an hour and a half. I have yet to eat lunch (yes I get low blood sugar at the drop of a hat.) I am getting bitchier by the second. I finally make the dreaded walk to the women’s section. This is where it went to hell in a fuckin’ hand basket! 

See I have NO CLUE to how women’s pants are sized but I was about to get an ear full from my mom. I called her as I couldn’t get a hold of Shady! Well she goes on and on about how my clothes always looks so baggy and hang like a gunny sack on me. I happen to like them that way thank you very much! Anywhoo...I get the advice I need after a 20 minute lecture. By now I am ready to beat the hell out of the next person I see. So I once again begin my hunt for some dress slacks.  

Keep in mind I just had the longest week of my life with exam finals at school then add a new baby puppy into the mix, which all equals no sleep for over a week! I find a pair I like an go to the dressing room to try them on. Now this here’s my 3^rd mistake as I HATE trying on clothes in a store. My luck there is a hidden camera some-wheres and I will end up on whosuglywhosnot.com! Under the FUGLY section! I tried on the pair I sorta like but they were to SMALL! So I put on my comfy jeans and go out an ask the girl (whom is skinny as a fence post mind you, she stick her tongue out an ya turn this bitch sideways you could use her as a zipper for fucks sakes!) 

“Excuse me but would you happen to have this in a bigger size?” I ask politely, (yes I can be when I have to be!) 

She don't even look up at me and says, “What's out on the rack is it.” Snaps her buddle gum and continues reading her magazine! About then I could have jerked her off her chair and beat her senseless! The little snot! So I throw the pants on the counter over top of her magazine and walk back to the racks to try again. I spot another older lady and go to her for help, 

“Excuse me, ma’am but would you happen to have any more of these in a larger size?” I point to the rack in front of me, she looks at the rack an tells me everything they have is out. I step closer to her an ask... 

“Do you ... would you happen to have ANYTHING IN A MOOSE SIZE IN THIS STORE?” I kept my voice down but hissed at her.  

“Did you try the plus size rack?” 

“I’m standing in front of it lady!” I growl and clench my fingers on the hanger I am holding to keep from beating her with it. I had just lost it, I snapped at her. I gave up and walked away before I was arrested for assault on a skinny old lady. Yes my Gramma taught me better then beating someone to a bloody messy pulp! 

I found two more pairs but they were also too small. I tried black dress jeans, blue slacks, green slacks and even a pair of striped slacks! Bout this time I see some woman coming with a shopping cart full of pants. It was the same lady I had just asked if there were anymore pants in the store room. I looked at her an lifted up a pair of slack, 

“This to me looks like you found some slacks in the back store room! I thought everything you had was out on the racks? Is everyone full of BS in this store?”

Well she didn’t get my insult and looked at me dumbfounded. “Never mind lady, can you tell me if there's a ‘Dress Barn’ here in this town?” 

She looked at me as if I had just sprouted wings and grew an extra eyeball!” She tells me she has no clue as to what that is. So I explain to her it’s a store for us PLUS sized women, you all know the one I am talking about! The one where it’s SKINNY BITCHES waiting on you and they have Holstein cows on the wall and labels in the shirts like MORE THEN A WOMAN, THREE TIMES A LADY... You know the store where I can find a pair of slacks that are not a size TWO!” 

No she had not heard of this store. KILL ME NOW...GOD PLEASE STRIKE ME DEAD!!!! I looked up to the ceiling and prayed for a lightening bolt to flatten my fat ass to the dirty tiled floor in Wal-Mart! 

I was by this point not going to this party and I would be sending my dearest friend HATE MAIL when I got home. I bought the dress shirt and some other shit I needed and left the store. I had been in the store now for over two hours and a half. I get out to my truck and turn on the radio, the first commercial I hear is for weight watchers...KISS MY G.D.ASS! I am not really fat just built like a brick shit house! My phone rings and it’s my mom asking me if I found something to wear that don't look baggy and awful. I told her yes I found something that would give me camel toes and my ass would look like two hippos in a gunny sack fighting for air (or was it an over stuffed sausage?  ) and a dress shirt, that showed my fuckin’ nipples. I don't really remember as by this time the blood sugar level had dropped to below zero like my IQ. I was shaking and the thought of making some kind of dish to bring along to this party was giving me a headache! 

I did find a pair of dress pants to wear and yes I did make potato soufflé and yes I did go to ‘Dimples’ party and yeah I did have a good time, even if I was dressed like a monkey! But my point to all this is SKINNY WOMEN SUCKASS.... they have all the nice clothes, they have all the nice shoes...and I wouldn’t look twice at a skinny women even if she was a nurse in full uniform, red hair with a bigass rack and a heart shaped butt! Nope I’ll pass... so I may sound mean an nasty but ya’ll still suckass!

 

MOVE OVER BACON NOW THERE'S SOMETHING MEATTIER!